Letter to God

Since last NYE, my friends have started a tradition where they each write a letter to the universe, discussing their goals, dreams, and wishes for the upcoming new year. Each person also picks a word that sums up these goals, dreams and wishes. Then the group gathers at a an eastern beach on our island to watch the sunrise on the first day of the new year where they will burn the letters.

I did not participate last year. However, in years past, I have picked words to represent my goal for that year. The year I got engaged, my word was "engaged" and the year I got married, my word was "marriage". Last year, I think my word was subconciously "baby," but I did not state it out loud. Baby-making was clearly the focus of most of 2008, but my goal was not reached. This year, I plan to participate in writing my letter and selecting a word. However, for obvious reasons, I'll be calling my letter, a letter to God. I will also select a word that represents my goals, but is not so obvious as "baby." Many of my circle of friends do not even know about the journey I have been on as of late. I will be sharing my letter to God here:



Dear God,

It's been a tough year for me in 2008. The beggining was great, but it went down hill. I know, it wasn't all bad, but losing two pregnancies was very very tough. By far, the most difficult thing I have ever had to endure. Those were some dark times. It is also extremely tough to be patient and wait three months before even beginning to TTC. I know that in the scheme of life, this time of waiting, these past six to nine months will seem like such a blur, but now, as I live these days, hourly, minute by minute, the time seems to drag by. I take my first placebo pill tomorrow on my first BCP pack. To me this marks the ending of my first month of waiting and indicates that I only have two more months to go. Hallelujah! One of the good things that happened this past year, my faith has grown the strongest it has ever been. I never knew of the power of the Word, and the promises you have made us. I never knew that:

the desires of my heart will be fulfilled and all we have to do to attain them is to delight in you (Psalm 37:4);
you have promised that the fruit of my womb will be blessed (Deutoronomy 28:4);
as long as I perservere and do your will, I will receive your promises (Hebrews 10:36);
you will settle me, a barren woman, in my home with happy children (Psalm 113:9);
if I remain in You and You remain in me, I can ask you for whatever I wish and it will be granted (John 15:7);
I should have faith in You and speak to that mountain (problem) and if I do not doubt in my heart, that which I have said will happen (Mark 11:22-23);
when I pray, I should believe that I have received it, and it will be mine (Mark 11: 24);
and when I pray, I should have no grudges and have forgiven everyone so that You will forgive me, (Mark 11:25); and
anything I ask for in Jesus' name, He will do it (John 14:13-14).

There is so much more that I have learned, and am learning every day. I am so very thankful for you Lord, for your love and your Son, Jesus. I prasie you for the wonderful blessings you have already given me. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and loving family. Our marriage has only grown stronger and I continue to be in awe in the love that we share. I am so very very blessed to have him in my life. Thank you Lord for my wonderful home in this beautiful place. This place is truly paradise and I am blessed to live here. Thank you Lord for my great job. It allows me to fulfill my need for intellect as well as maintain a lifestyle apart from work. It also pays the bills and allows us some financial freedom. Thank you Lord for my good friends. They are such a blessing, each a strong woman with unique characteristics. Together, we combine our gifts to make an awesome support group. Thank you Lord for my health. I appreciate that each day I can get up and move about and not worry about pain. I love being able to exercise and take joy in the simple pleasure of a work out.

And Lord, I also praise you for the blessings you are bestowing upon me now and in the next year. Thank you for helping me to discover the cause for my miscarriages and for allowing me an opportunity to correct it. I thank you for preventing any scarring in my uterus from the surgery, so that we will have no problems getting pregnant immediately when we begin TTC again next year. I thank you for the diagnosis and treatment of the hyperplasia and for preventing its return come February when we test for it again. I look forward to a positive report from my doctor and the green light to start TTC in late February and early March 2009. I also thank you for my third BFP and for blessing me with the pregnancy of our soon to be first born child in this coming new year. As you already know Lord, I want to become a mother in 2009. I want to make my husband a father. I look forward to spending the holidays with a beautiful, healthy and perfect little baby in our arms or in my womb next year. I also look forward to continuing to grow in faith and in Your love. I will continue to strive to do Your will.

In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.

My word for 2009 is "Creation." First and foremost, because the definition is to "cause to exist" and for obvious reasons, I'd like to procreate with my DH to cause the existence of our first born child. I'd also like to create an environment for a family that will grow closer to God. I'd also like to create the perfect work/life balance.

2008: A year in review

I was inspired by "B" at the Angry Infertile to write a brief summary of my sucky year of 2008. It sucked big time in comparison to 2007 and I'm praying that 2009 will be just fine. I must first start off by showing you how awesome 2007 was.

2007

March 2007 - put in first offer for new home, it gets accepted immediately!
May 2007 - Close on new home, but rent it back to sellers for 2 months.
July 2007 - move in to brand new home and buy my first ever brand new car; it's an SUV - you know, for all those kids we're going to have!
August 2007 - bring home brand new puppy. DH's first dog ever!!
September 2007 - stop taking BCPs, begin NFP to avoid pregnancy
November 2007 - GET MARRIED!
December 2007 - first Christmas in new home with new hubby and new doggie. Not TTC, b/c waiting to go on honeymoon. LOVING LIFE!

2008
February 2008 - go on honeymoon - travel to Europe!!! First time for both DH and myself. Freeze our butts off. Begin TTC, but cycle gets thrown off completely due to travel.

March, April, May 2008 - still TTC. I have long cycles though, so only went through three cycles total of TTC.

June 2008 - get my first surprise BFP!!! Holy moly! Hallelujah, I can get pregnant!!! Yipppeeee!!!!

July 4, 2008 - miscarry 4 days after getting BFP at about 6 weeks. Natural miscarriage. Have to cancel fun 4th of July plans with friends and have to tell them all its because I'm miscarrying. =( =(

August 2008 -(8/8/08) Second BFP!!! Loving life!!! A little terrified b/c of recent MC, but happy none the less. Totally prepared for this BFP and had been eating properly and avoiding alcohol since last MC. Praying and praying that all will go smoothly. Major attendance at weekly bible studies in efforts to increast prayers and faith.

September 15, 2008 - first u/s appt. Discover measuring 3 weeks behind. Told that I could probably be miscarrying but will do HCG level comparisons to check. HCG level comparisons (all three of them) show levels dramatically decreasing, but still very high. Indicates to my old OB that probably should be 9 weeks, but fetus stopped developing at 6 weeks. Second u/s taken 1 week later shows no development of fetus. confirms, missed miscarriage.

September 26, 2008 - two weeks go by, and still no natural miscarriage, so have D&C. Faith is shaken.

October 2008 - waiting and waiting for period to show up after D&C so can begin TTC. Ask doc to run normal tests to find out cause of MCs, and all check out normal. However, read about how misshapped uterus can cause MC so ask for test. Doc refers me out to have an HSG performed.

November 2008 - HSG performed. New doc suspects submucosal fibroid and recommends NOT TO TTC until fibroid removed. Doc is fairly certain this is cause for MCs. Wait and wait for surgery date to remove it. Faith is renewed by constant prayers and bible study. Also start first period since May 2008. Spot for 3 weeks straight after period. Doc suspects its due to fibroid.

December 2008 - surgery to remove fibroid!! However, new doc discovers it was NOT a fibroid, but instead a subseptate uterus. Doc shaves down the septate and is feeling confident I should have no problems keeping my next pregnancy. However, doc also discovers fluffy lining on my uterus. He also performs a D&C and sends tissue to lab. Discovers I also have hyperplasia which was the cause for the spotting. Recommends treatment of 3 months of BCPs then need another biopsy to make sure hyperplasia doesn't return. Doc gives good news: 99% chance that hyperplasia will not return and I will be good to go for TTC in March 2009. Faith is stronger than ever and growing every day!

TODAY: Learning to have faith and be patient. It's tough. Thanking the Lord that 2009 will be significantly better than 2008 and that I will be holding our first child in my arms by the end of 2009.

2007 just like heaven
2008 no so great
2009 will be divine. It will be a year of extrordinary favor!

Christmas Day

It was a great Christmas Day! My entire family spent it at one of my uncle's beatiful homes up in the mountains. When I say entire, I mean both mom and dad, and yes, they are divorced (my family is good like that....). My maternal grandparents. My mom's long time boyfriend, and many many of my aunties, uncles, and cousins, along with their children. My brother, his girlfriend and their children. It was awesome. The only one missing was my DH who had to work, so he could not be there.

We had lots of food and lots of laughs. See, I love my family, and greatly enjoy my time with them. Sadly though, this Christmas was difficult for me. I kept it hidden well, and no one knew. But I was greatly wishing I had my own little family to be with me. See, I was the oldest grandchild there. However, I do not have any children. My brother, and two of my cousins, all younger than myself, all have little ones running around. So of course, my parents, and aunties and uncles are now proud grandparents. I am very happy for all of them and their families, but somehow, I felt a little out of place. I felt like I didn't belong. I didn't have a little one to fuss over, who was crying, or who needed to be fed, or who needed to be reminded not to throw rocks or to be careful when running. I didn't get to bond and share in the stories over how little so and so got this for Christmas, or how we had to hide the toys so little so and so wouldn't find it before Christmas. Before, I would have never been phased to not be a part of the "parental group", because before, I had been not-a-parent by choice. Now, I have had two losses and so desparately want to be a parent. I now know what it's like to go through the holidays, alone, and childless not by choice.

I know was not truly alone. I felt alone in my head, and I know it is all a product of my own grim thinking. I am never truly alone because I know I have a wonderful family who cares for me, and I have a wonderful husband who is working hard for me. I also have a loving Lord who is with me always. He will grant me the desires of my heart. I do not want to spend another childless Christmas not by choice ever again. This Christmas, though perfect as usual, was slightly marred by the sadness of an empty womb and my empty arms. Not for long if I can help it................TWO MORE MONTHS until we can start TTC!

Reflections

I was looking at my brother's e-Christmas card. It's a picture of my two nephews, ages 4 and 3, sitting on Santa's lap. They will be expecting my neice's arrival, in February 2009 (no need to remind you the same month as the due date of my first pregnancy). (Also no need to remind you that my brother is 1.5 years younger than me and unmarried to the mother of his children. They are in a stable relationship thankfully). It obviously goes, without saying, that my brother and his girlfriend have had no problems having children. You should also know that they are both working class citizens (hey nothing's wrong with that, I'm not knocking it at all). They do not have college degrees and are scraping by. My brother works two jobs to help make ends meet. They squeeze themselves in a tiny two bedroom cottage they rent. Obviously, my soon-to-be niece will be sharing their bedroom and the boys will get their own room. They are blessed because our grandparents, yes, the boys' great grandparents, are retired, and are able to care for the little ones when my brother and his girlfriend work. Our mother helps out too, but she has not yet retired and is doing what she can. Overall, we have a great family, so the children go without want. Sadly however, my brother and his girlfriend do not have much time off together. Their "big" family vacation consists of a short trip to a neighboring island. And that's it.

I share all of this because as I was sitting here, looking at their christmas card picture, I wondered - are they satisfied with their lives? Are they happy? I hope so. They have two and a half darling children, but work their butts off just to live. Here, DH and I live in a fairly lavish 3 bedroom townhome, and have two empty rooms. (No, we dont live on the same island as my brother, so are not able to allow them some free board). DH and I have these plush jobs, and can take exotic trips yearly. However, we do not have what we so dearly want -- children. Can you tell me, which sibling has it better? I do not know....nor would I ever want to actually compare myself to my brother. We both have our blessings, though in different ways. I just wanted to share it with the blog world....it may look like I have it all, but my brother, has what I want. Good for him.

My turn will come next year!!!! As my Bible teacher told me today, I must "speak to that mountain.!" So here I go: "Self, you will get pregnant with a healthy beautiful baby next year, and you will give birth to that healthy beautiful baby by the end of 2009. Uterus and body, you will be healthy and perfect for this little baby, and you will not give me any complications. So, it shall be, as God has promised."

Tag, you're it!

I got tagged!!I got tagged by Kim at Baby Shmaybe (http://babyshmaybe.blogspot.com/). The rules of the tag are as follows:1. Link to the person who tagged you.2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

Random facts about me:

1) I professionally straigten my hair spending gagillions of dollars each year going to a particular stylist who uses this japanese style straightening method called "Yuko." It really works though, and I love my straighter hair (helps to alleviate the frizzy bush that was on my head previously).

2) I can drink a lot of alcohol for a girl and particularly love beer. My DH and I now call ourselves "beer snobs" as we will only drink high priced imported stuff. Our preference - german beers, including weiss beers. Previously, I was a diehard bud light and michelob ultra amber fan.

3) My favorite liquor drink - vodka martinis with either olive juice (dirty martini) or pepperonci juice and tabasco (enfuego martini). Close second favorite - bloody marys.

4) I am part native-Hawaiian.

5) I dance hula and I love it.

6) Ever since I was a little girl, I would play with pointy corners on things, such as blankets, pillows or my dad's collard shirt. To this day, I still play with the corners on my pillows. The corners must be pointy or I wont play with them. What I mean by "play"-rub them with my finger tips and rub the corner in the little divid above my upper lip. (i know, I'm weird).

7) I dont like to see people uncomfortable or feeling awkward, so I go out of my way to please people. I have a hard time chewing someone out, even when they are in the wrong. For instsance, one time, my DH and I stayed at a hotel and when we checked in to our room it was filthy. There was a juice stain on the carpet (and it was fresh!), a cigarette butt on the comforter and the room smelled like smoke. I made my DH call down to the front desk to demand a room change b/c I was too shy to do it. Any my current occupation, demands the exact opposite type of personality. Hence, I try to find a medium balance between the two, which is difficult.

I'm not going to tag anyone, but if you've read this blog and want to participate, please do so. =)

The countdown begins

To make myself feel a little better, I've begun a countdown ticker to the supposed first day we could start TTC (CD1) which I'm estimating is the first or second day I take the placebo pills in my 3rd pack of BCPs. Right now the countdown ticker says it's just 2 months and four days from now! (It's on the left hand side of my blog). That seems a LOT less time to wait than saying I have to wait three months or until March 2009. (I know, I may actually have to wait a bit more to actually get to TTC because I will likely have a biopsy in late February and perhaps have to wait a bit afterwards to let the old ute heal, but since that date is not set, I'm sticking with what I've got.)

2 months and four days - imagine what could happen in that amount of time. Some of you will have gone through two cycles and perhaps have your BFP by then. We will have a new president. My newest niece will have been born and the due date of my first pregnancy will have passed (Feb. 19, 2009). I was a little freaked at the thought of not being pregnant during this date, but I'm not freaked anymore. It is what it is, and there is nothing I can do to change it.

The due date of my second pregrancy is April 19, 2009. Will I have my BFP by then? Who knows? All I know is that I have been praying every day to become blessed with the birth of our first child in 2009. I have high hopes set on this year. I have even come up with a rhyme - 2007 was like heaven (marriage, house, dog), 2008 not so great (2 mcs), 2009 will be divine. So here's to the countdown to a new year and a new fork in the road of my path to motherhood.

I know I have high expectations for the next year, as we all do. I know I may be disappointed. And previously, I would refrain from setting up such expectations, so that should they not come true, I wont have so far to fall. But I'm fully invested in this expectation. I've become a new person and am walking by faith, not by sight. The Lord has promised me that my fruit will be blessed. I'm continuing to stand on this promise. In two months and four days, we will be on our way to becoming parents.

I have a cold. *cough, cough*

I'm sick! I'm congested and I'm coughing up a storm. And it's awful. And I'm a big baby when i get sick.

I started to get sick shortly after my surgery, and it's come on full force. i'm taking extra vitamin supplements, some say they work, some say they dont. I'm all for anything that "could" help, so I'm taking 'em. I'm coughing like a mad woman. And I'm still at work!!! Today is our company Christmas party, and those are usually fun. And I brought in a christmas gift for the grab bag exchange game we play, so I wanted to make sure I used it. So here I am, miserable and at work, all just so that I can go to the party afterwork.

Ok, who cares about being sick...I know.....but I'm seriously running out of things to blog about. I'm not temping or charting b/c I'm on BCPs. I dont have anxious 2wws or impending doom and gloom of whether AF will or will not show. I dont have to anticipate or moan over an upcoming or past doctor's apptoinment. I'm not able to BD, since I'm on "pelvic rest" for 2 weeks after my surgery........I have nothing to write about, except my cold!!

Hoping that i'll have something more to write about later................. blah. (I have a life, I promise, I just dont think it's all that interesting to the blog world. For instance, I have parties to attend every night this weekend, even on Sunday. In fact on Sunday, I'm hosting a party at our house). I will also fly home to be with my family next Wednesday for the Christmas holiday, which I'm looking forward to. And work is really busy and intersting <--- see, I'm really not such a square, But yeah, not as exciting blog material as the promise of baby-making, I know.)

Oh, and on another note..on my blog roll, I keep up with several bloggers who are preggo. Mostly b/c they are sooo damn funny and witty, that I want to read b/c they make me laugh. Another few, I keep up with b/c I was following them when they were going through struggles, just like me. So i want to continue to cheer them on, now that they've crossed over onto the other side of the TTC journey....but oh how wistful I get when I read their blogs. Granted, I can just choose to tune out, but I know I dont want to. I just wish wish wish I had something like they did to blog about -- like what kind of diaper bag I should get, or how the baby just kicked me so hard today, or how someone asked when I was due and gasped at how big I was for having several more months left. Yup, call me green with envy (and blue with the cold). I CANT WAIT for my turn.

I know this blog was all over the place. that's what I get for blogging when I'm sick.

weight lifted

Ever since my last appointment with Dr. M, I feel as if a weight has lifted off my shoulders. Granted, I'm not in the clear just yet, since I still have to check for hyperplasia in February (and I'm not even pregnant yet), but doc's percentages that the hyperplasia will clear up (99%!!!!) are very very reassuring. And, somehow, I just know that my prayers to God will be answered and it will be gone. So, with that being said, I guess I just feel a huge sense of relief knowing and believing that we have found the problem that caused my miscarriages and have fixed it and that I may go through my next pregnancy normally, with little fear of miscarriage. It's been a rough six months since my first BFP till now. But I'm feeling good and am expecting only good things for next year. It's amazing how much pregnancy and getting pregnant has consumed my mind as of late. Dont get me wrong, it's still a huge priority and an ever present factor in my life, but I feel as if I can go back to how I once was before this journey began. I will never be the same, but I can now find joy in other things in my life without the pain of not having children yet affecting it (very much). Of course, I still wish and yearn for my future child(ren). I would love to be spending this Christmas with a little one in my belly and planning for his or her birth. But I'm feeling optimistic that I'll get to experience that soon. Call me naieve, call me crazy, call me overly confident and optimistic, but I'm standing on God's promise, and that's where I've placed my trust.

John, Chapter 15

5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

Post-operation follow up appt.

Saw Dr. M again today for a post operation follow up appointment. We discussed his findings. He showed me pictures from my surgery. I saw my septate uterus and both openings to my fallopian tubes (which he said were very good and not blocked whatso ever, yippee!) He explained how the septate most likely caused my miscarriages and that I was probably born with this condition. He said usually, in a septate uterus, the baby implants onto the septate (which it likely did in my case since the septate was a big round mound instead of a thin septate which is more normal in septate uterus) and because the septate is not filled with blood, it causes the baby to be unable to develop. He also noted how in my case, the baby did not seem to develop beyond six weeks, which he also said is very common for individuals with a septate uterus. He said that he shaved down the septate, and while my uterus isn't in the perfect shape it should be, the septate has been shaved down very considerably. He said he felt very positive at my chances for a normal healthy pregnancy the next time we get pregnant. (hallelujah!!!)

Now, he did say that I have to remain on the BCPs for three months. Because he also found some hyperplasia in my uterus, he said the BCPs would be the most effective method to treat it. He also said he preferred for me to treat with BCPs rather than progesterone (which is the other option for treating hyperplasia) because the BCPs will also help prevent scarring from the surgery. He said the type of hyperplasia I have is simple and in 99% of the cases he's treated hyperplasia like mine, it went away in 3 months. (So I'm praying that it goes away...which I'm absolutely sure it will, God is on my side for this, I can feel it!)

So, the plan is, I go back in February, and we do a biopsy to make sure the hyperplasia hasn't returned. I stay on the BCPs till then. I've accepted th wait and am praying for a March BFP so that I can have a Christmas 2009 baby!!!!

Good news and bad news about the surgery, mostly good news:

Yesterday’s surgery was relatively a success. The doctor went in and did what he needed to do. He indicated that what we thought was a 2cm fibroid, ended up being a subseptate uterus. (See pic below...the white is the uterine cavity, the pointy black thing is a septate and no this is not my uterus).

In other words, my utering cavity was more shaped like a heart rather than the upside down triagle it should be. He also stated that the base of the septate (the part sticking into the uterus that should not be there) was fairly broad, which showed up on the HSG (the ultrasound) as what appeared to be a fibroid. The doctor was able to remove the septate and restore my uterus cavity back to a more normal appearance. He also found what he described as a fluffly fibrous menstrual lining on the left side of my uterus and performed a curettage, scraping out this lining as well.

They sent all tissue to a lab to be checked for cancer. This fluffly lining returned back as hyperplasia, which is thickened and excessive growth of the uterus lining. (here's a link with more info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endometrial_hyperplasia). Hyperplasia is also known to cause spotting in between periods, cause miscarriages and prevent pregnancy. I had recently begun spotting since my last period and feeling a little bit of pressure in my uterus, which we thought was due to the fibroid (those are common symptoms of the type of fibroid I have). Since I did not actually have a fibroid, he said the hyperplasia was the cause of the spotting and pressure. He said that hyperplasia, if left untreated, can become cancerous. We already removed the hyperplasia, but to prevent its return, my treatment options are either birth control pills or progesterone. He had already prescribed me one month of birth control pills to help reduce any chance of scarring in the uterus (which could also prevent pregnancy). Because I had the hyperplasia, he said I should stay on the pills for three months, instead of the one. He also wants to do a biopsy after three months to make sure the hyperplasia didn’t come back.

Physically, I’m feeling fine. I had some bleeding yesterday, after the surgery, and today, the bleeding has been very very light. The cramping is very minimal. For instance, on a pain scale of 1-10, I’d say it was a 2 at best. I was able to return to work for a full day the very next day.
So, while this was a successful surgery, my hopes of trying to get pregnant and become pregnant are extended by another month or so, till March (I knew I’d have to wait at least two months before trying after the surgery anyways). There is also a chance of the hyperplasia returning, but I’m thinking it’s not likely. I’m still continuing to pray (as I have been about everything going smoothly) and I have faith that everything will turn out alright. I still have hopes and have the utmost faith that I will become a mom someday soon, perhaps by the end of next year!!

On an interesting note, I actually woke up during the surgery. I didn’t feel any pain, but could feel something going on down there. I couldn’t see the doctor though, because a sheet was between us. I remember looking at the monitor and asking them to bring my glasses so I could watch (the doctor used a hysteroscope to see what he was doing during the surgery and used the monitor to see what he was doing). They must have put me back out, because the next thing I remember is waking up while they were wheeling me to the recovery room. The anesthesiologist said I was cute because I kept asking for my glasses. Lol. I’m so intrigued with learning all about my condition, I guess, despite being heavily sedated and being queasy with blood, I still wanted to learn and to see what was going on.

Stay tuned for more, on the trials and tribulations of my journey to motherhood!

God's Blessing

I get daily emailed devotionals from the Kenneth Copeland website. To check this out and subscribe go here: http://www.kcm.org/about/index.php?p=daily_devotional

I love getting these because usually, the message hits right at home for me and helps especially in my TTC journey (or lack thereof at this time). Today's devotional discussed the topic of when you follow the Lord and his instructions, you'll receive and enjoy his blessings. The scripture reference was to Psalm 128.

Psalm 128 (New Living Transalation)
1 How joyful are those who fear the Lord— all who follow his ways! 2 You will enjoy the fruit of your labor. How joyful and prosperous you will be! 3 Your wife will be like a fruitful grapevine, flourishing within your home. Your children will be like vigorous young olive trees as they sit around your table. 4 That is the Lord’s blessing for those who fear him. 5 May the Lord continually bless you from Zion. May you see Jerusalem prosper as long as you live. 6 May you live to enjoy your grandchildren. May Israel have peace!

I wanted to share this scripture because I believe that God has made these promises to all of his followers and they WILL be fulfilled. It warms my heart to know that I will enjoy these blessings (such as my children flourishing around my table) as long as I follow his directives. It's comforting to know that I will not have to want because he will provide for me. For instance, I want to have a baby, so he's providing the method to ensure that I'll have many happy and healthy pregnancies --- I'm having this fibroid removed and will be ready to get pregnant in February. I just need to continue to follow God's will, have faith and believe, and everything will be ok.

BTW: I finally stopped spotting from my fibroid today!!! (one day before my surgery)

Pre-operation consult

Today's appointment went fairly well! Dr. M is very competent and after speaking with him and his very nice assistant (the same one who I had difficulty getting a hold of to make this appointment - yes I forgave her) I decided to make the switch. Dr. M will now by my primary OB-GYN. The assistant told me that my previous doctor, Dr. B, is getting close to retirement and doesn't appear to be as eager to perform new techniques and surgeries. She's apparently "comfortable" where she is, and that's the reason why I was getting referred out. The assistant told me that Dr.M "loves" doing "laps" which I think is short for laparascopic exams (where they take a microscope and look around in your belly --- but i'm not getting one of these). Anyways, she made it sound like Dr. M is the slightly younger (no gray hairs yet) eager doctor while Dr. B is the older (lotsa gray, infact mostly gray), closer to retirement doctor. That's what I see from my point of view as well.

Dr. M told me all about the surgery I am getting - it's called a hysteroscopic myomectomy (the same kinda surgery I've been reading about and assuming I'm going to get). In fact there are links to watch the actual surgery on youtube. Craziness!!! (here it is for all you interested viewers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOJRTTgLFqk)

Anyways, he explained the surgical procedure and its risks. He was very reassuring in the risks (even stating that these have never happened to him -- and knocking on wood that they continue to NOT happen). He said there is a chance of uterine preferation (in otherwords, they poke a whole in your uterine wall) and a chance of fluid overload. They use fluid to inflate the uterus to navigate better, and sometimes, very rarely, the fluid gets absorbed into your lungs. To avoid this they monitor the amount of fluid they put into my uterus and automatically stop when they hit a liter. He continuously said that for my type of fibroid - a submucosal - and its size -- he continues to say it's very small - he doesn't anticipate any complications. I've also been reading that this type of surgery is the least invasive. He also stated that this type of surgery is fairly common and routine (indicating, I think, that he's done the surgery a number of times). So, I guess in the scheme of things, of all the types of fibroids to have, this one is the best one to have. I pray that I dont have any more after this.

We also discussed how I'm still spotting now and feeling some slight pressure in the ute area. He stated that this is all from the darn fibroid. He was a little interested to learn that I still had daily spotting from the fibroid since my period.

I also asked him about the fact that my cycle seems to still be out of whack, and he said that it's common after a miscarriage for your cycle to take months to get back to normal. He did not believe that the fibroid was contributing to the unusual cycle. He also stated that since I do not appear to have any problems getting pregnant (Thank you Lord) that he is not very concerned about cycle lengths. He said in my case, we want to focus on getting the uterine cavity back to its original (normal) shape, and focus on my ability to carry a child to term. (I'm all with you there doc.)

I asked about the possibility of the fibroid growing back, and he wasn't too concerned. He said it could grow back, so we want to recheck for it in a year or two, but since I'm planning to get pregnant next year, he said we wont need to check right away.

I also asked about scarring from the D&C or from this surgery. He said that when he did the HSG he didn't see any scarring (and that one can normally tell from an HSG if there is scarring). He also stated that if he sees any scarring when doing the surgery, he'll "clean it up." Thanks doc!

As for recovery, he said I'll experience some cramping after the surgery, but it should be ok in a day or 2. He also stated that I should be able to resume normal activities within a day or 2, including workouts. He said I should resume activites based on how I feel. Of course, I'll have to stay on "pelvic rest" for two weeks. I then will see him for my post-operation consult on January 5.

And the most important thing: I can resume TTC in 2 months - he said by February!!! He wanted to be sure we gave my uterus a chance to heal. Soooooo here's to a happy, and re-productive February! Hooray!!

The Hubby

I've been tagged by Emmy to do a post about THE HUBBSTERS. Kinda cool, kinda fun. Thanks Emmy! http://emmynjoe.blogspot.com/2008/12/husband-tag.html

5 Things DH Loves:
1. Me (but of course)
2. our puppy
3. his job, he's a fire fighter
4. football
5. reading or learning about our native culture

5 Things on DH's "To Do" List:
1. pressure wash our back patio
2. recycle
3. buy more dog food
4. pull out the Christmas lights and ornaments so I can decorate the tree
5. weed out some bushes around our yard

5 Foods DH Enjoys:
1. poke (raw fish)
2. steak
3. oatmeal
4. crab legs
5. salmon

5 Things You May Not Know About DH:
1. he loves to read
2. he plays world of war craft (which I hate)
3. he generally does all the cooking (on his days off, he has the time)
4. he has a big (you know what) lol, tmi, I know
5. he lost 12 pounds and is on a mission to lose 20 more

5 Quirky Things About DH:
1. he doesn't like to have his foods touching each other (ie. wont put his bacon on his pancakes)
2. he is an impatient driver
3. he loves reading the newspaper
4. he drinks hot green tea almost every night
5. he has a very slight stutter that I didnt notice until one of his friends told me about it several months after we started dating.

This was fun. I love my DH too. Thanks Emmy for tagging me. I now tag the following people:

Just ME, Cassie Lou Who, Courtney

NO O?

I thought I ovulated but I guess I didn't. My temps are still low. I'm disappointed and worried. This means, my cycles are still out of whack. I'm also a bit nervous today. I go for my pre-op consult with Dr. M at 1:30. It'll be a fairly quick and easy appointment I think. I've got some pre-typed out questions I'd like to ask him. I'm anxious to hear what he'll have to say. I'm praying that everything goes smoothly, both today and on Thursday. I hope he can help me figure out what's going on with my cycles too.

I'll update with how the appointment went.

I ovulated yesterday.

I think I ovulated yesterday. I'm still doing the "old school" method of figuring out my O date --- just plain old temping, charting and observing my CM and CP. I'm too cheap to buy OPKs. In fact, I only finally gave in to getting the "VIP" FF membership yesterday. Previously, I was just using the free membership, but finally decided to suck it up and get the paid one. I figure, I might as well, since I wont be getting PG anytime soon. I can at least have the most advanced technology available through FF to track my cycles while I bide my time until I TTC. I want to be spot-on about my O dates when I finally get the A-OK to TTC. Yesterday, I read that the recommended wait time to TTC after a hysteroscopic resection (the type of surgery I'm getting) is 4-6 months! GOOD LORD! But I digress...back to me thinking I O'd yesterday.

So I think I had EWCM yesterday, but who knows......It's difficult to observe my CM when I'M STILL BLEEDING! Yup, I am still spotting and it's been 23 days since the first day of my period. According to Dr. M, this is all because of my fibroid, and my googlination research confirms that fibroids cause excessive bleeding during, between and/or after a period. I also think I O'd because my temperature increased and was higher than the last 6 previous temperatures, and yesterday's temperature appeared to be a dip in temps. Something I also learned should happen to indicate O occurred. Based on my previous cycles, I regularly O'd around CD 21, 22 or 23....so chances are I O'd yesterday. Too bad I'm not TTC, or I would be in my 2ww and anxiously counting the days until I could test. My LP has previously been 12 days, so I should see AF on Wednesday, 12/17/08. Not sure how my fibroid surgery on 12/11 is going to affect that though.

Anyways, it's Friday. Thank God! The weekend is here! My dad is flying in to visit with me on Monday. I'm excited to spend some time with him. That should keep me busy for a few days until my surgery. T-minus 6 days until I say bye bye fibroid! I pray that the surgery goes smoothly and the fibroid is completely taken out.

Postcard Project

From LFCA, I learned of a cool new postcard project hosted by Fractured Rainbows. http://fracturedrainbows.blogspot.com/2008/12/urgent-postcards-needed.html
She has invited everyone to send in a postcard that her kindergarten class will read, telling the story of the Gingerbread Boy's travels around the world. Click on the link to learn more.

I'm sending one from my home state. (Ok, so much for my secret identity.) Here's what I wrote (which I'm quite proud of, I must add).

Dear Marshall Elementary Kindergarten class,

I was cruising the island's North Shore the other day,
when I noticed a gingerbread boy heading my way.
He wore little blue swimshorts and carried a surfboard, giant and white.
I had never seen a gingerbread boy surf before; My what a sight!
I stopped to say "Aloha!" and asked where he was from.
He said Marshall Elementary Schoool in Lewisburg, Tennessee is from where he had come.
He explained, "I escaped to travel the world and to see some new sights!
I will surf big waves today and dance hula at a luau tonight."
I chuckled to myself and thought with some glee,
I better let the kindergarten class know where the gingerbread boy may be!

Aloha from Hawaii. B-MoM.

See, dont you think I'd be a fun creative mom? I love little projects like this to make children happy. Just today, I picked up an angel from a local angel charity. How it works: you select a paper angel, and on the angel is the name of a child or an elderly person who is in need this Christmas. It lists the person's age and their Christmas wish. Last year I picked up an angel for a little girl who wanted a doll. This year I picked up an angel for an elderly woman, 78 years old, who wants a pillow and blanket. How sad is that? That's her Christmas wish. I wonder what kind of pillow and blanket she wants? I've got till Dec. 21 to figure it out. It's kinda fun to go shopping for someone you dont know. It's nice to know you're helping to make their Christmas a little brighter.

toodles (and dont let my real identity get out, ok?)

name change B --> B MoM

I've decided to change my name. Obviously, by now, it's clear that I am prefering to remain anonymous only because 1) I work in a professional field and do not want either my colleagues or clients or potential clients to figure out this is me and learn about my personal road and 2) not even everyone I know or am on close friendship terms with know about my situation. Plus, it helps to be annonymous, because then I can be as honest as i want without fear of criticsm.

but lets face it, "B" is just too common. Some of you, who know me from WTE, know what I look like, what state I live in and even my first name. However, I prefer to keep that information private (i know, I know, no one really cares and wont do the tedious research to try and figure out my identity, but you never know, maybe some smart friend of mine will read this and put all the info conveyed in my blog together along with my name, and voila, my annonymity has vanished).

Ok so back to my name change. From now on, my name will be B MoM. B which stands for my first name and the title: Mother of Many. While I do not have any children right now, I have been praying that I will bear many children with my husband. My bible study teacher knows of my plight and has affectionately nick-named me Mother of Many and today even gave me the Hebrew translation for the phrase: E mah Raw veem (pronounced ee-mah rah - veem).

So for now on, I'll be called B MoM. I hope I dont cause any confusion.

Lemon Award

I have been awarded the "The Lemon Award"The Lemon Award is given to bloggers who have an attitude of caring - of turning life’s lemons into lemonade. This is my very first award!

Thank you to Emmy from Emmy's Thoughts. (still dont know how to make names link to blogs, so here's here blog addy: http://emmynjoe.blogspot.com/2008/12/lemon-award.html)

Following the spirit of the award I pass it onto the following people who I think need some recognition: I've also picked some people, who I'm not sure follow my blog, but I follow theirs:

1. Betty from I Married Barney, Now What? (http://mrsbarneyrubble.blogspot.com/)

2. Just Me from Can You Imagine (http://canyouimagine123.blogspot.com/)

3. RMCarter from In Pursuit of Parenthood (http://www.inpursuitofparenthood.com/)

4. Amy from Musings of a Teacher (http://simplemusingsofateacher.blogspot.com/)

The spirit of the award requires me to name 10 people/bloggers who really deserve it but, as I’m still relatively new at this whole blogging thing, I’m not acquainted with a wide variety of blogs.

So I think we all could use some encouragement! We all have the ability to turn our lemons into lemonade...even if it ends up sour!!! Chin up, girls! We will ALL BE MOTHERS ONE DAY!!!

I HAVE A SURGERY DATE!!!!

Oh, I'm sooooo excited. Ok, well, that's kind of sad to be excited about surgery, but I am! This means I am that much closer to being able to start TTC and perhaps becoming a mommy!

Of course, I had to call my doctor's office AGAIN today to find out my surgery date. Apparently, Dr. M's assistant was out, so when I called, a temporary assistant was filling in. Luckily she was very nice. She said that my surgery was already scheduled for Thursday, Dec. 11 (howcome no one told me??), but that no pre-operation consult had yet been scheduled, so she went ahead and scheduled the pre-operation consult on Monday Dec. 8.

Well, whew, I feel a little better. I finally have a plan and dates to look forward to. I now need to focus all of my energies on praying that the surgery goes smoothly and that I dont experience any scarring that will affect my ability to get pregnant and carry to term. I've heard about other's horror stories and do not want to experience that.

It's been almost two months since my last MC. I'm definitely feeling a little more at peace with my situation and the fact that we dont have any children yet. I dont pine as much when I see pregnant women and little babies. but I still notice them so much more now than before i started TTC and the Lord knows how much DH and I want children. That feeling has not gone down. I think it's the fact that the holidays are here -- though it's difficult b/c this wont be a holiday filled with babies, it's helping me to keep my mind occupied on the holiday rather than on my losses.

I told my extended family about my situation (2 m/cs and the fiborid) during the thanksgiving break. They were all very supportive and in fact, I learned that one of my aunties had had two miscarriages inbetween her first and second child due to fibroids. She went on to have four children total, then had to have a hysterectomy due to the fibroids. That gives me some hope. I'm glad I shared the story with them. I find that it's helpful to be able to express the person I truly am instead of having to hide it. And as discovered via my aunty's situation, I'm not alone in my plight. Perhaps, i'll think about telling some of my friends who do not know yet....ah well, maybe not....I guess when the time feels right, I will.

Still Waiting and waiting...

I called the doctor's office on Wednesday, trying to see if I could schedule the surgery. The appointment lady was nice, but she said that only Dr. M or his assistant could schedule it and they were gone for the day. She gave me his assistant's direct line and said to call back on Friday, where they would be in all day. I did call back, on Friday, and got the assistant's voicemail...I left a message (taking the very sweet approach in my tone) and asked if I could make the appointment for the surgery. She did not call back! It's now Sunday, and perhaps they were not in the office for the weekend. She better call tomorrow, on Monday! I'm going bananas!!!! This is ridiculus! I was diagnosed with a fibroid on November 7! It is now almost 1 month since, and I STILL DO NOT HAVE A SURGERY DATE! Oh, I need to change medical health care plans......

Ok, that's all for now....the frustration is overwhelming. Thankfully, I've been on a mini-vacation these past several days, it's helped keep my mind off of TTC and that fact that I cant. Unfortunately, I've still been spotting since AF, and it's been a couple weeks already!

Got a call from my doc

Yesterday, Dr. M called. Unfortunately, I still do NOT have a surgery appt. date, but at least he called me. He said that his assistant will be calling me soon to set up the surgery appt. date as well as the pre-surgery appt. date with him. He also told me that the surgery will be similar to a D&C except that I'll experience more cramping afterward and I should expect to feel a little out of it for the rest of the day after the surgery. He also confirmed that my constant spotting going on now 10 days after my period is the result of the fibroid. Thank God I'm getting it removed now. Whew. He also said that generally the OR rooms are booked 2 weeks in advance, so if that darn assistant calls me this week, I can hope to have a surgery appt. date the week of Dec. 8. Last, but not least, I asked if Dr. M could be my primary doctor. He said sure, he wants to be sure that I'm happy with my treatment. I explained that while I'm happy with Dr. B's treatment, since I have a more complicated case, I'll need to see a doctor who is able to perform the procedures I need. It's clear that he's a doctor that can, (duh, since she referred me to him).

In other brief news, I'll be traveling to a neighbor island via a ferry for the holidays to spend time with my family. DH and I leave tomorrow and we're excited. We're taking our doggie with us too. This is a big deal, b/c our doggie hasn't traveled with us since he was just a few months old. Everytime DH and I travel, we miss our doggie and worry about him. Now we do not have to worry about him anymore. This little doggie is such a spoiled doggie. I cannot wait till we have children upon whom we can lavish our love.

Thank you all for trying to vote for my blog on Ronda's Rants. I think voting ends today, so if you haven't done so, please go vote for me. (See my last blog for more details).

vote for my blog!

Ok all,

My last last post (The Story behind the Title) has been entered in charity contest hosted by Ronda at Ronda's rants. (I dont know how to make words turn into links just yet -- so here is the link to her blog:
http://rondasrants.blogspot.com/)

Here is the excerpted portion of her blog regarding the contest:

So, I am having a little contest in which you may blog a story about a time when you lost. But, in that losing you have gained something bigger! The winner who will be selected by a poll which will openSaturday, November 22 and close...Wednesday, November 26!The announcement will be made on Thanksgiving Day!Post a story written now or in the past, let me know and link it to me! Also, let everyone know what charity you would like to blog for...this will let others be aware of some important charities out there! The deadline for entry is Friday, November 21!I will donate $50 to the winning charity!Here are two entries so far...I will keep adding to this post!Candid Carrie's My Dearest Madeleine RoseHippie Family's Giving to GiveJourney of Faith- A Path to Motherhood The Story Behind the TitleSo I won't be blogging this week...but I will be reading your blogs!

She is allowing all of her readers to vote for the blog winner. Should my blog win, I'll feel really cool. I'd also like to donate all of my winnings to the Christian Children's Fund (http://www.christianchildrensfund.org/) I'm also contemplating signing myself and DH up to become a sponsor to a child in need. Heck if we cant have children of our own right now, why not start practicing with CCF and at least begin sponsoring a child in need?

Anyways, to vote for my blog, log on to Ronda's page, and on the top right hand corner she lists the three blogs under the heading "My Losing Season Contest". Click on the "The Story Behind the Title" and then hit vote. Ok, that's all for now.

It's monday, I'm hanging and I'm grouchy.

First - GRRRRRRRR!!!! I need to vent some frustration. I called the doctor's office, trying to see if maybe I could set up an appointment with Dr. M to do the consult (which is required before surgery). Of course, at bureaucratic-red-tape-irrating KP, I was not able to set up an appointment. I need to wait for his assistant to call me, and that could be anytime this week or next week! To top it all off, I'm STILL spotting from AF who was here 2 weeks ago tomorrow. STILL SPOTTING???? WTH??? I know that the first AF is funky after a D&C, but I truly think that this spotting is being caused by my fibroid. When I saw Dr. B last week, she asked me if I had any unusual bleeding or clotting (which are usual symptoms from a submucosal fibroid because the fibroid tends to bleed more and excessively). I told her that I did not see any such symptoms before the miscarriages. Based on that, she thinks that the fibroid likely started to grow during my pregnancies. I think that because it is now a bigger presence, I am now experiencing those symptoms. I think that this lengthy period (spotting) is the cause of the fibroid. I asked the advice nurse about it today, and all she was able to tell me was that if I'm not filling a pad or tampon within an hour or two, then I'm ok.

Ok, reading the above, I sound like a crazed, bitchy lady...you know, one of those people that always complains all the time. But you know what? I feel that way now. People - most people - who have never experienced infertility and trouble with pregnancy have no idea what it's like to be in my (all of our) shoes. I'm anxious and impatient to start TTC again, and this fibroid and the fact that I cannot even get an appointment to remove it, is driving me crazy!!!! I'm supposed to wait for the doctor to call me and it could take a week or two even before they call me to set up the appointment??????? And who knows when I'll be able to get in and see the doctor and then schedule the surgery. This whole process is taking significantly longer than I first anticipated. I truly thought that by the time Christmas rolled around, I'd be testing for another BFP. hah, little did I know. Alright, I know all this huffing and puffing is not serving any purpose but to make me seem whinier and gripier (those are words, aren't they)? So I'll stop for now....I'm just so frustrated that I'm at a standstill on this baby making journey because of the very very irratating KP. I really need to change health plans......

Now on to my next topic, which is a much more happier topic, I hope. Yesterday, I was watching a sermon by a local pastor for the church New Hope. (They televise his sermons, and he's great!) The topic pertained to having questions about the way life is and how it's ok to have questions, but not to let those questions cause you to doubt God. For instance, questions such as, why is there still war and suffering in this world, why do the young have to die while some very bad people still get to live, and of course, why do people who want to have a child and would make wonderful parents struggle with infertility when there are babies all over the world who are in need of better care and love? The Pastor explained that it is ok to have these questions, and that God encourages questions. And He will answer all of our questions when the time is right. The sermon was much more elaborate than that, but it really hit home to me, especially in light of my last post. I learned that it is ok that I have questions about God's plan. I learned that just because I dont understand His plan, does not mean that it is faulty and that I should not believe Him and have faith in Him. I still do, and in time, I'll learn what the purpose of his plan is. As to why it's taking soooo long for me to get this appointment, I have no idea....I just know that I need to be persistent and it will happen for me.

The story behind the title

So, some of you (you know, all of the three followers I have right now.....lol) may be curious as to what the story is behind the blog title? It appears to be a religious"y" title, yet I haven't even spoken about God or faith once so far.

Well, I really am a faith"y" kind of person. My brief background on my faith - I was born and raised a Catholic. My grandparents (both maternal and paternal) are staunch catholics, my parents - not-so-much. We went to church growing up, but not every sunday like my grandparents did. I went to a Catholic school my whole life, except for college. So I've always known God and He has always been a part of my life, but, sadly, not a big part. During college, when I'd go through those turbulent times (that every typical 20 something goes through) I'd attend church services on my own once in a while, and I always felt better...but the Word wasn't a big part of my life till now.

Dont get me wrong, I've still got eons to go before I'm one of those bonfide "preachy" types, but I've definitely learned a lot about God and the power of his Word and have only begun to really read the Bible and its message since my pregnancies and miscarriages. It all started when I began attending weekly bible studies with a co-worker of mine at work. It's a small thing, this Bible study, but it's definitely opened my eyes to a whole new way of looking at faith and God. My bible study teacher (and co-worker) is also a Catholic (and a blessing), but she doesn't teach like a Catholic...she teaches more like someone from a more Word-based church - such as The Word of Life or New Hope or....(see I'm so new at this, I dont even know the names of the churches). Anyways, through her, and recently logging on to the Kenneth Copeland website to receive daily devotionals, and through reading other bloggers of faith, I've learned so much and am still learning daily.

I believe that I've grown closer to God as a result of my losses. There were times, and there still are times, when my faith was shaken...for instance, after my first loss, I asked God and prayed that my second pregnancy would be ok, and when that didn't happen, I felt abandoned by God, because I knew he had the power to intervene and give me a healthy pregnancy, but didn't. But as time went on, I realized that I was not abandoned by God. I still dont know why it happened (physically I may now know - it may be due to the fibroid). Perhaps it happened because God wanted me to grow even more closer to him.... Perhaps God wanted me to discover the fibroid and have it removed now before it really grew too big....Perhaps God knew that if the second pregnancy had continued, He would have slowly faded out of my life and become the small part of it that He had been pre-pregnancy. Anyways, this is all speculation...i dont really know all the answers, and I could even be wrong in my speculations.

What I do know now, is that my faith is growing daily and I'm continously working on making it grow even stronger. I'm learning so much more about God and will be that much more able to raise my children with God and the Word being a bigger part of their lives. So I've come to terms with my situation (well, I'm working on it) and know that there is a reason for what happened to me...

I also know that my biggest desire is to become a mommy and to bear children with my husband. God knows this is my desire, and I have faith that he will grant my desire when it's right for me. Till then, I'll have to walk this journey of faith on my path to motherhood, trusting that He will make it right in the end.

Anti-climactic appointment

Today's appointment was anti-climactic and almost a waste of my time to say the least. Dr. B basically reenforced everything I already knew from my own research and was told by Dr. M (the doctor who did the HSG and diagnosed the fibroid). She agrees with Dr. M, I should not get PG until I have the fibroid removed. She also stated that generally it's an out patient procedure that lasts 1 day and that I will be instructed to be on "pelvic rest" (nothing in the vagi. for 2 weeks) and will need to come back for a follow up appt. after the surgery to make sure I'm ok. She also stated that they would not like for me to get PG for at least 1 to 2 cycles AFTER the surgery.

So at this point, I'm like, let's get this surgery started --- today even! Unfortunately, Dr. B does not do this type of surgery (or anything at all it appears -- she's referred me out for the D&C, the HSG, and now the hysteroscopy resection - do we see a pattern here?). She provided me with a couple of names of whom to refer me to, and Dr. M was on the list. Since he is the doctor who diagnosed me and did the HSG, (and the doctor on the top 50 best doctors list in our town), I elected to go to him. However, the way Kaiser works, I have to see him again for a consult/physical exam before we can even do the surgery. And he was not in the office today, and will not be in the office for the rest of the week, so I couldn't even set up an appointment for the consult/physical exam or surgery!!! GRRRRRRR!!!! Apparently, when he returns, his assistant will contact me to set these up. I did try to see if I could have the consult done over the phone, because heck, what else is there for him to do? He's already diagnosed me and seen all of my inner parts once (twice if you count the time he saw me when I first miscarried and went in for an emergency exam...but I dont know if he remembers)....Dr. B said this is a possibility but will have to check with Dr. M.

So as of today - I have no date for the surgery. I do know that at the very least I'll probably be not TTC for at least another 3 months.. =( So my hope of having a x-mas BFP is shot. =( I do know that the next time I see Dr. M, I'm going to ask to have him be my primary OB, b/c I'm over this whole running around in circles routine Dr. B has me going on. I initially chose Dr. B back when I was an innocent naieve, and thought all of my inner parts worked ok, b/c she had great bedside manners, but apparently, that's all she has. I need a doctor with substance, who will not refer me out...I cannot keep seeing doctor after doctor with weeks inbetween silly appts. It's such a waste of time and money. grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!

But lets end this post with good news, good news is.....well it's sort of good news...we all hope its the cause of my MCs and once the fibroid is removed, it will be smooth sailing pregnancies from here on out........right????? I pray that this is all worth it.

Pre-appt. Anxiety

I go to my doctor's today to discuss the fibroid situation. I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm excited. I want to start TTC and want to have a plan in place for that journey. Part of me hopes that she'll say, oh, it's nothing, you can start TTC today if you want...but a huge part of me knows that she wont and doesn't want her to. The other doc who found the fibroid (the one who got nominated as one of the top 50 doctors in this town) said he thinks this is the cause of my prior MCs...I cannot take that statement lightly. Plus from my own research, it looks like removing the fibroid is pretty simple. So, why not have it removed, and ensure that my next PG has that much more chance at success? I'd hate to have to go through ANOTHER loss.

I'm nervous, nervous, nervous --- 2:15pm cannot seem to get here fast enought.

First period funkiness

I'm still experiencing my first AF since the D&C. It's been very unusual, but then again, I was warned that it would be unusual. Here's a brief synopsis of the symptoms (in case anyone else is currently going through this and is curious):

2 days of spotting - very very lightly (more brownish discharge-like than actual period)
2 days of a very light flow (it seemed as if AF would start for a teeny bit, stop for a few hours, then start up again for a teeny bit, but there was definitely red blood and not just brownish discharge)
1 day of a medium flow - a definite need to wear a tampon
1 day of a very heavy flow - (woke up and darn it needed to change the bed sheets! Haven't had to do that since I was a teen!)
2nd day of medium to heavy flow (haven't had any "accidents" but definite need to change the tampons every 2-3 hours, again not the norm for me).

So far I have only had fairly mild cramping (just now, which prompted this blog) and on Friday (first day of medium flow). I'm hoping there is an end to this bleeding soon. I'm pretty over having AF.

T-minus 2 days until the big doctor's appointment where we discuss my fibroid situation.

Christmas songs - already??!

It's begun - they are starting to play Christmas songs on the radio. The radio station I normally tune into at work has added Christmas songs heavily into their rotation.

Normally, I am a Christmas song fanatic! I listen to them non-stop practically all throughout November and December and the world, through my eyes, is just good. Even before Halloween, I started downloading Christmas songs, to get myself in the mood. However, now that they've begun playing them on the radio (much different from me voluntarily choosing to listen to them on my ipod), I'm not feeling that Christmas vibe anymore.

It's quite sad really, I know why I feel this way, its because this Christmas was supposed to be our first Christmas with a baby - no not an actual baby in our presence, but one in my belly. My first due date was February 19 and my second was April 19...so no, no real screams and cries and coos from a baby at Christmas, just belly kicks, and backaches and baby preparations for Christmas. But as you all know or will know after reading my sidebar, there is no baby and will be no baby this Christmas. Sigh.....

I guess I have it good really and truly I'm thankful, because I'm fairly confident that I will have a baby by next Christmas (oh please please please not let me eat my words next Christmas), I'm just a little saddened because this Christmas is not so magical for me. Last Christmas - it was my first Christmas in my new house and as a new wife. This Christmas -- its just...my second Christmas in my new house and as a not quite as new wife......... =(

Ah well, I'm not really one for pity parties --- so I'm going to stop.......

False false alarm - AF is here

AF is here but very light. It's weird...I had v. light spotting on Tues. afternoon and Wed., and it stopped yesterday AM. Then it started back up as a v. light flow last night around 6pm. This morning, I woke up and it had stopped over the night and then started back up very light at about 8am. I do know that the first AF can be ususual, and hey, this is as unusual as it gets.

I know, this is way more information than you need or want regarding AF --- and it is rather boring. You know when your life is pretty dull when the highlight of your blog is your AF starting and stopping. Sheesh!

I just wanted to send a shout out to my virtual friend Antonia who has recently received the news that she is having a boy!! Nathan Alexander. She and I were belly buddies and were due the same week (or was it day?). She's been an angel and still checks in on me often, even though, I'm currently Sans Belly at the moment. Not for long though, if I can help it (getting a belly that is). I plan to get right back on that TTC train as soon as I'm cleared by the doc once we deal with this fibroid. And Antonia -- dont sweat it about the anniversary. It was wonderful and we really enjoyed ourselves! =)

Ok back to that work thing they pay me for.........

False alarm - no AF yet

The spotting I saw is gone today. WTH!??? it's a good thing I'm not able to start TTC anyway due to the fibroid or I'd be going bananas. I'm also glad I have that doctor's appt. next wednesday to discuss the fibroid...I can ask about the lack of AF. Tomorrow it will be 7 weeks since the D&C and no AF. Ack!!!!

Good news is - according to the "oh so scientific" sperm meets egg website (http://www.pregnancyloss.info/first_period.htm) (where I go for all of my info for the recovery after a mc) - this could still be my first period. Spotting for a couple days, stop, then heavier bleeding is a normal first period after a mc. Also according to this website, I may not actually see AF for another week or so since I actually didn't start bleeding from the D&C until 1 week after the surgery was done.

More on fibroids and pregnancy

So, work is slow and I'm doing my google research.

I've found lots of information regarding fibroids and pregnancy. I have a 2cm submucosal fibroid - the kind that bulges into my uterine cavity. The general consensus from my research is that I'll have to have this fibroid removed via hysteroscopy myomectomy before getting PG again. But the awesome news is this appears to be a procedure that is simple ("Hysteroscopic myomectomy is a technique that can be performed only if fibroids are within or bulging into the uterine cavity (submucosal). This procedure is performed as outpatient surgery without any incisions and virtually no postoperative discomfort.") and my chances of a healthy pregnancy will increase by 70%! I'm feeling hopeful. I hope Dr. B has the same good news as my research has uncovered.

If you're interested in learning more - check out this very informative site.

http://www.fibroidsecondopinion.com/pregnancy.htm

Spotting 49 days post D&C - Could this be AF???

It started yesterday - 48 days after my D&C surgery - exactly 6 weeks and 4 days. I saw pinkish discharge on the TP when I wiped. Later, it turned into brown. I put on a panty liner - and yup, there is still some slight brownish discharge. I'm calling it "spotting" on my FF chart. I feel funky down there, but then again, every since my 2nd PG, I've been "funky" down there. Oh, I hope, hope, hope, this is AF, making her way back.

Before last friday, AF's arrival would be a major cause for celebration. My normal OBGYN, whom I'll call Dr. B (no not me, I'm just plain ole B), said I could start TTC after AF arrives. I have been looking forward to this date in the hopes that I would get another BFP before Christams. But then, since last Friday, I now know that I have a submucosal fibroid, and know that I probably will be advised against getting PG again until after this fibroid is treated. Who knows when that will be or how long I'll have to wait again. =( So, should AF be arriving soon, she will be met with just a small cheer - a sigh of relief that my body, is hopefully getting back to normal.

You know, this will be my very first period since May! The last two bleedings I have had were all mcs. Yes, that's a very depressing thought, I know.

In exactly 1 week, I will be meeting with Dr. B. We will be discussing all of my options regarding treating the fibroid. Of course, this has not stopped me from doing my own "google research" to learn about my options beforehand. In fact, if it weren't for my obsessive googlination (I believe this is a term invented by KuKd Monica) we probaby would not have discovered this fibroid until after perhaps another loss (or more!!). That is one of the questions/irritations I have with Dr.B. I have always been the one to ask for additional tests and care, and feel that if I were not so proactive in my own research and requests for test, I may be still in the dark about my MCs. While I have stuck with Dr. B b/c she has decent bedside manner, seems competent and has been my OBGYN for over 6 years, I have thoughts of switching healthplans (currently, I'm a KP member), but am reluctant to go through the hassle. Is this normal? My mother, (who is not a health care professional I must admit), said she believes this lack of proactive care is generally routine with most typical healthcare providers, and because my mom is older and wiser and is usually right, I believe her. However, what do you guys think? How has it been for you and your healthcare providers. I dont know if I should seek out a specialist, b/c I'm not sure if my case is considered "special" yet........ I guess that's another question for Dr. B.

In the beginning - a summary of my TTC journey to date

Hello world! This is my first blog post on blogger. I have however, been blogging since late June 2008 immediately after discovering my first BFP and logging onto the website WTE. I was late for my period by six days and boy was I shocked and elated to see two pink lines! Sadly, I miscarried naturally just 6 days after discovering I was pregnant for the first time ever - and it happened on the 4th of July. Not to worry, I told myself, it's just God's way of saying - yes, B, you can get pregnant, so get ready, start eating healthy, avoid alcohol etc (you know, all those common misconceptions that us mc survivors tell ourselves). The miscarriage was over quick and seemed almost like a period, so my body got back into the "swing" of things so to speak immediately. I ovulated like normal, on CD 23 (I normally have 36 excruciating long day cyles) and lo and behold, on 8/8/08, just 11 DPO (a lucky day I believed) I got another BFP! Woohooo! This would be it I thought! I did everything right. I ate right, worked out right (I'm an exercise fanatic, so I cut back on exercises). I joined babyfit.com, and made sure I got all of the important vitamins and foods and did all the recommended pregnancy exercises. Then, dun-dun-dun-dun - the nine week ultrasound day arrived. I had never had an ultra sound before. DH and I went in and bam - our dreams were shattered. The technician could not see a baby, just a sac and a tiny speck of what appeared to be the baby. The doctor came in and explained, that the sac and "baby" were measuring only 6 weeks, and perhaps I was just much later than expected. He called my case a "mist". He ordered HCG level tests and I went back to my regular OBGYN for the results. She confirmed it, my levels were dropping, they went from 93,000 - 71,000. I asked for more tests, just to be absolutely sure (b/c I had virtually met one woman on WTE whose levels dropped a teeny bit, was told to have a D&C, only to discover right before surgery that her baby was alive. She was to give birth any day to a health baby boy). Sadly, the additional tests confirmed it, my HCG levels dropped again to 60,000 and another ultra sound 1 week later showed that there was absolutely no growth in either the sac and the baby. The technician (bless her heart) was wonderful and took the time to show me all of my "inner parts" the sac, and what appeared to be the baby - growing outside of the sac (WTF??). I also got to hear the "whoosh, whoosh" which she explained was blood rushing to or through my uterus. Were I to have a living baby, I would have been able to hear a heart beat. Talk about wistfulness - I longed for the day when I would hear a heartbeat and see a little baby squirming aroung, like so many other mommies-to-be report. I promised her I'd be back and we'd get to see a baby and hear the heartbeat. But that was not the case for me on that day. So, another week later, with no signs of spotting or bleeding, I had the D&C.

The D&C procedure went fairly smooth for me I believe. Recovery was very quick and I actually didn't really bleed much after. In fact, I didn't bleed at all until 8 days after the surgery and only for 1 day. I did spot after that day for 10 days though. It is now exactly 6 weeks and 4 days since the surgery and I still have not seen AF! But I do chart and it appears as if my temperatures have finally become consistent and I am currently 8 DPO. My LP (pre 2nd PG) was consistently 12 days) so I am hoping to see AF this Saturday.

Because I had two consecutive MCs I asked my doc to do all the normal tests to see if we could determine the cause. She ran some blood tests - all of them returned back normal. She said that I could just be very unlucky (ok, well she didn't use those words, but that's what I heard). She explained that typically a woman has 3 mcs in her life and perhaps I had two of mine early on. Of course, I continued to look for answers and I discovered a blog that discussed a septate and bicornate uterus (when the shape of the uterus affects a PG or causes a MC). I asked my doctor for a test to check for this. She agreed and ordered the test for me - having one of her colleagues perform it. So last Friday, November 7, 2008, I went in and he performed a sonohysterogram on me. Good news - my uterus and ovaries are normal. Bad news (or good news - I'm working on looking at it from this angle) is that he discovered a 2 cm fibroid growing on the inside of my uterus. He said that he believes that this is what caused my previous mcs. He also said they are very common in women and not cancerous. He said that there is a simple procedure that they can do to remove the fibroid and recommended that I not get PG until it is removed. But of course, I had to speak with my normal OBGYN about the results and my options. So I scheduled another follow up and that appointment is on November 19.

If you've made it this far. Thanks for reading. =) There will definitely be more on this TTC journey. I hope you come back to visit me soon.

BTW: yesterday was my one year wedding anniversary and it was great!