Induction questions.

Can concentrate at work! Keep logging onto babycenterdotcom to read about other people's experiences with upcoming due dates and labor signs, symptoms, or lack thereof. I think based upon my research on google, it is more common that women give birth beyond their due dates than before, but I'm not really sure how accurate the statistics are that I've read. All I know is this suspense is killing me. I really thought that I'd have a baby by now. Although my EDD is still 3 days away, I'm getting so impatient. Not only am I fed up with all the discomfort, fatigue, etc., i'm also getting nervous about having to be induced. I had planned to last as a long as I could without pain medication, but if I have to be induced, I may not have much of a fighting chance without pain meds. Should I then schedule to have my induction off island where an epidural will be certain? Or if I'm induced here, will we also be able to schedule an anethesiologist so that an epidural will be certain? What will they do if I have to be induced? When will I be induced. I know that my doctor has said that they do not like to let patients go beyond 41 weeks, so that means I could have an induction next week sometime.

My next doctor's appointment is tomorrow, so obviously I'll have a lot of questions and will probably have a lot of answers then. I am in uncharted territory. I'm almost to my due date, and still no baby. Just some braxton hicks which are irritating and sometimes a bit cramping and a VERY SLOW losing of my mucus plug. C'mon baby, when ya coming?

I really hope its not on my birthday.

Ugh, not again....

Not sure if you remember, but back when I was pregnant with Kaua, my quad screen test came back with an increased risk for downs syndrome for him. We had an early level 2 ultrasound which put our fears at ease.

Well the same thing is happening again with this pregnancy. I tested again for an increased risk for down syndrome with this baby. Our numbers are 1 in 49! Seems small scary huh? With Kaua it was 1 in 77. Normal for someone my age is 1 in 500 and normal back when I was pregnant with Kaua was 1 in 714.

I'm flying to the big hospital next monday for the early level 2 ultrasound again. We're praying that all will be well as it was with Kaua. While I'm feeling somewhat of a veteran when it comes to this, it still is worrisome.

Thinking good thoughts.

Today is a big day!

Today is a big day. Not only is Kaua 13 months old, but we will find out for certain whether he is going to be a big brother come early August. My doctor's appointment is today, at 9:30am. Of course, we will have an ultrasound to date the pregnancy. My mind is filled with excitement and anxiety. There are two scenarios, both of which i have previously experienced that could happen. I could see a beautiful squirmy gummy bear on the ultrasound, complete with heartbeat, or I could see nothing, an empty uterus, or an empty sac. I've been trying not think about this day, and only think positive. On the one hand, I feel pregnant. I've had some nausea, my nipps are a little sensitve, I'm always tired, my tummy is a little bloated, and I havent had AF since the end of October. On the other hand, I feel normal, the nausea is rare, the nipps haven't been sensitive until very recentily, the tiredness could just be lazy, the bloated tummy could be too much holiday eating, and just because AF doesn't come doesn't always mean you are preggos.

Well, I can only move forward. I will find out today what the deal is. I pray for God's grace and blessing.

6 week symptom update

I'm a little over 6 weeks pregnant and have felt like I haven't had much symptoms. I think I've been feeing slight nausea early in the mornings and sometimes in the middle of the night, but nothing to really fret over. If I didn't know I was pregnant, I wouldn't even notice it. So, I decided to peruse over my posts from the same time in my pregnancy with Kaua. Back then, I was feeling nausea, constipation and sore nipples. So far, the bbs are just fine, but I forgot about constipation. I think I'm having a slight case of that too. Nothing super noticeable, but now that I think about it, I didn't have much in the way of toilet production both yesterday and today, despite feeling like I had to go. So I guess I can chalk that up as a pregnancy symptom. I'm not sure if I'm more tired than usual. I feel tired, but what mom of a 1 year old doesn't feel tired? lol...so not sure if that counts.

I've been having a couple strange dreams over the past week. I've already dreamt twice that I had a miscarriage. Once I dreamt that my period came and I wasn't that sad about it because I wasn't quite ready for #2, but last night I dreamt that I had a miscarriage and you could actually see a tiny little baby (gross, I know). I was abit more bummed about that in my dream because as the days pass, the idea of this child is growing on me. So when I woke up, I was glad it was just a dream. I wonder if these dreams are just my subconcious way of expressing my anxiety. I mean, I feel fairly confident that there is going to be a healthy baby in 9 months, but still, I will not feel 100% until we have our first ultrasound and see everything is going smoothly.

I just received a questionnaire packet in the mail from my doctors about this pregnancy. Although I have Kaiser, I have a different clinic since we moved, and I guess they mail out a questionnaire packet for the expectant mom to fill out. It asks bizarre questions like "Do you think you'll have a problem staying off drugs and alcohol during your pregnancy?" or "Have you been raped since your last period?" It's actually kind of sad that such questions need to be asked. I filled them out. And also read some of the info pamphlets they provided. I was reminded that I'm not supposed to eat large tuna fish (what we call ahi) in quantities over 6oz in 1-2 weeks due to the potentially high mercury contamination. Ooopsie, I forgot and had some at a christmas party the other night. Guess we have to cut that out! ugh. No caffeine, no alcohol, no fish...no fun for me during the holidays. lol.

I think I have 16 more days till the ultra sound. While that seems like very long, I know it'll come in no time. I just POAS again, for fun, since the internet cheapie tests I have are expired and will be no good any other pregnancy. The Test line showed up first and was much more darker than the control line. While that doesn't tell me much other than I have a very high HCG count right now, it was reassuring to see. Cant wait to have that first ultrasound appointment!

20 week ultra sound today!

I haven't gone to the appointment yet. I'm just so excited that I had to post about it now. I admit, I'm getting nervous too. Doctor's appointments are always a little nerve wracking. I miss those days when a doctor visit was nothing more than a tedious routine visit I did on the required 6 month or annual visit and I was completely confident that nothing would be wrong. I was always such a healthy individual, so I was lucky in the sense that I never really had to dread the doctor's office, or dread the dentist's office.

After my 2 MCs (ontop of a prior history of 2 abnormal papsmears), the doctor's office has become a place of dread for me. Of course, it's not always like this, especially now, when things have been going so smoothly, but even so, that dread feeling creeps back in. I'm pretty sure I've been feeling some movement from the little firecracker within the past hour this morning (before that I was getting worried and even googled when I should be feeling consistent movement in the pregnancy -- according to dr. google its not till 27 or 28 weeks), so I'm sure that we'll go in and see a live little baby on the monitor (see, I take nothing for granted...the small joy of having a living baby...that's always a something I'm grateful for). I'm just still nervous... you know? We're going in for a heart check, just because the doctor wasn't able to see all that he wanted to see the last time we went in because baby boy was just 16 weeks.

I'm planning to ask the doctor to walk me through what he's looking at (last time he didn't), whether my chances for risk of Ds have gone down now that we've had two good u/s (I'm already planning on this one going good), and to tell me the length of my cervix, and the length and weight of the baby. Hope I remember to ask all these questions.

I learned by way of ambush over the telephone that the MIL is coming to this appointment. Yippee. On the way into work this AM, i called DH and asked if he was going to meet me at the hospital for the appointment. I asked whether his MIL was dropping him off (she's using his car while she stays here) and he said no, that she wanted to come with us. Then he asked, that's ok right? (Note that she's sitting in the car with him while he's asking), so of course, I say it's ok (or I actually think I said "whatever") because really, what was I supposed to say without sounding rude? I think that I should be fine with her coming because after all, she is DH's mom, and if my mom lived where we did, I'd want her to be there for sure. It's just.... well.....weird for me to have her there. I feel like its a personal private moment for me and DH and I dont want someone there that I'm not comfortable with. So of course, I called my own mom afterwards to gripe and she helped me to realize that I should be thankful that this baby is so loved and that MIL wants to take such an active role in this pregnancy. Also, I'm really trying to keep in mind how important MIL is to DH, and so whatever makes him happy should make me happy. Ah well....I'm totally willing to have MIL or anyone else in the room, all as long as baby boy is thriving along and doing wonderful. That's all that really matters in the end.

4th PNA today.

I'll go in for my 4th PNA in about 5 hours. I admit it, I'm nervous. It's been a while since I last seen a doctor. A little over 3 weeks, but that's a long time for me. Over the course of this pregnancy, I've averaged seeing a doctor about every 2 weeks (not by choice for some of them), but it was helpful to see a doctor to either hear the heartbeat or see the firecracker on u/s. The longest time I went in between doctor's appts was in the very beginning when I first found out I was pregnant and when we went on our trip. Now I feel invested.

I know I shouldn't be worried. I should be standing on my faith, that all is going well. But I'm a crazy lady and google is not my friend right now, and I read all these sad stories of women who lose their children far along into the pregnancy or have still born children. I dont know why I do this to myself. I drive myself crazy. Then I drive DH crazy by asking him to reassure me that all is ok.

DH may not make it to the doctor's appointment today. He's working on fixing up our house so we can put it on the market at the end of August. So if he's not done with his project, he wont be able to come. I told him it was ok, because the biggie appointment (where we go back to the perinatologist for another level 2 u/s) is next week monday, but now that he may not be coming, I'm more terrified. What am I going to do without my rock? Ugh.

I cannot think like that. Everything is going to be fine. It's going to be perfect. It'll be a boring appointment, pretty much like how most of my appointments have been. I need to stop working myself up into a nervous wreck!

Spotting scare(s)

As if yesterday's news wasn't enough, I also started spotting (again). However, it was bright bright red blood last night and boy did that freak me out. It was after hours when it started, so I called the advice nurse line for after hours and they instructed me to go straight to the hospital, L&D. When I got there, there was a slight mix up, b/c apparently, L&D only takes moms beyond 20 weeks, and I'm only 15.5 weeks. They were wonderful though, and took me anyway. (It may have helped that when they started asking me about my MC history, I started bawling...bc it's really difficult to talk about when you think you're going through another one). Luckily, PRAISE GOD, baby is completely fine! He was just kicking away on the screen and his heartbeat still sounded strong and regular. The doc was informed of my big u/s appointment being pushed up to next week b/c of my abnormal quad results, but she reassured me that based on what she could see, baby looked completely normal and healthy. She was very reassuring about my spotting and explained that sometimes, some women just bleed. (She called it a "friable cervix" and compared it to people that easily have nose bleeds.) She also mentioned that sometimes, when a placenta is low and covers the cervix, this could be a cause for concern, but noted that my placenta, while a little low, did not appear to be covering the cervix. She said that the doctor I'll be seeing next week tuesday is a specialist at these kinds of things and that I'd find out more from him then.

I was discharged home shortly with the instructions to take it easy till the appointment, which includes not going into work today or Monday and Tuesday. Now, with my occupation, that's not always easily do-able, but I'm going to try. The health of this little one depends on it. The bleeding stopped as soon as it came last night, and no more till this morning. However, the spotting was much lighter and dark brown. Kinda like that slight scare I had a couple weeks ago. I'm feeling a little crampy down there, but I'm not sure if its the normal off and on crampy that I've been feeling throughout the pregnancy which we all attribute to my uterus growing or something else. I'm not sure what's going on with me.

I'm reminded very much of my fellow bloggy friend (who interstingly enough, also had a septate uterus and surgery to correct it after a two losses) who was also "a bleeder". She's getting ready to give birth to her healthy baby boy any second. =) Hi Meg!! Her story has always been an inspiration from me, even before I found out I had a SU and for some reason I've always been drawn to her blog. Now that I find out that our stories our soooo similar, I've been finding myself perusing her blog to see how she felt and dealt with things when she was as far along as I was. I find it very helpful and reassuring. God works wonders doesn't he?

I'm continuing to pray and put my anxiety and trust on and in the Lord. Nothing is impossible for Him and I know He answers prayers. He's already answered my prayers, and I know I will have a beautiful, healthy, normal, baby come December 2009. That's all I need to know. Believe and Receive.

Bad News

Just got a call from the doctor.

Got our results back from Quad screening test.

Normal results for my age is 1 in 714.

My results: 1 in 77.

This may not mean anything. We are just at an increased risk for baby with birth defects for someone at my age. Many factors can cause such a result.

Will find out more at upcoming ultrasound on July 7. (ie. whether we need to do an amniocentises, if the perinatologist finds any birth defects etc.).

I'm blessed. This baby is blessed. This baby will be Healthy.

I'm shocked.

Will update more when I know more.

Looks like I'm cancelling a gender reveal party....

*** edit, the BIG u/s appt has been moved up to next week Tuesday, 6/23. So we'll find out more then. I'm reading a lot (online) about people having false positives (told they had high risks, only to have a healthy baby), so that's buoying my hope. I know I need to rely on the Lord. I'll keep you all posted, and thanks for your concern. =)

15 weeks!

We made it to the end of another week! Hallelujah! I'm a week away from being officially 4 months pregnant. The belly is getting bigger, which means baby is getting bigger (or so I'd like to think, rather than just mommy is getting fatter...which is probably the actual case). I'm clocking in at a whole inch in growth at the waiste as compared to last week -- 35 inches.

Tomorrow is ANOTHER PNA appt. Not sure if you'd call this my 3rd or 4th, because it's my 3rd scheduled PNA, but my 4th visit to the doctor (since we did the little surprise surprise visit and got the 13 week u/s photo of the little squirt). On my mind to ask the doctor is 1) if we're allowed to bring in a recording device to our next u/s appt. on July 7th (which is a little scary for me b/c the last time we brought in a recording device, my camera, was the u/s where we found out we had had a 2nd MC....BUT, we're not thinking negative, ONLY POSITIVE!). And I swear, I had a #2 question but I cannot remember what it is at this time.... Am I nervous, I'm not sure? I guess a part of me is nervous and I doubt I'll ever be super confident at these things (you know, the whole finding out you're baby is dead at one of your prior appts does that to a gal), but I'm feeling fairly good and am confident things will go just swell (and nifty....gee willikers).

The latest on my baby brain -- having a gender reveal party or BBQ to share the gender of our baby with friends and family after our July 7th appt. We're going to ask doc to put the baby's gender (and hopefully a photo showing the "specific part") into an enevelope which we will open while amongst friends and family (if any want to come). It'll be fun to see what everyone's guesses will be right before hand. DH and I have no preferences for this pregnancy, we just want a happy, healthy baby. At first I thought we were having a girl, then I thought we were having a boy, and now I'm confused because I have no idea. I think I still think we're having a girl, but part of me thinks I secretly want a boy (b/c I think DH would be sooo cute with a boy, and even a girl)....who knows!?? Where we're going to have the party? I have no idea...maybe our place? but it's been so beautiful out, so maybe at the beach.....hmm, gonna go with the flow on this one....

Also on the baby brain, figuring out what kinds of stuff we'll need to get the baby - the latest has been car seats and strollers. We haven't really went out to look at these things yet b/c money isn't quite flowing right now (we're going to sell our house sometime soon and in this market, it may mean a loss, but we're praying for a profit and I know God answers prayers!!), and I think we'll *hopefully* get some hand-me-downs from my very fertile friends and family as well as some great shower gifts, but I'm reading up on what's good and what's not. I'm hearing good things about the Graco brand for baby car seats and strollers and the like. I've also heard a good book to help in making these decisions is Baby Bargains, but part of me is being too cheap and doesn't want to spend the $20 it'll cost me to buy the book, so I've been waiting to borrow it from the library (I'm #8 on the request line). I figure, we'll get down to serious buying business in month 6, but I want to plan now, so that should the need ever arise (or the money just fall into our laps), I'll know what to buy.

As for pregnancy symptoms, they're few and pretty good. I see why people call the 2nd trimester the easiest. Though, I must admit, 1st trimester was easy for me too (and these tiny pimples!?? gag me!!!) I've got no nausea, and my urge to pee has subsided. No more waking up in the middle of the night for me! Yippee! My eating is still pretty hefty, so I'm a little nervous to step on that scale at the doctor's office (at my last visit at 13weeks, I was up about 5 lbs since prepregnancy, so imagine how high I'll be two weeks later!!) According to one website, I'm supposed to have gained only about 5lbs as of right now, but I doubt I lost weight the last two weeks, so the number tomorrow will be a doozy! I really meant to be a good girl this weekend and work out so that I could trick the doctor's office scale into thinking I had gained the proper amount of weight, but ah well, that didn't happen, so I guess I'll just have to suffer the consequences of seeing that stupid sliding weight thingy go way way way down to the right side of the scale. ugh...But I'm not complaining, I'm loving this pregnancy....promise. My co-worker also pointed out that I've probably gained the most in my boobies, which I admit, is probably true....these suckers have a mind of their own. I've always complained about being "smallish" but man-oh-man, I miss being small. This puppies are getting in the way!

Without further adieu, here's the latest belly photo (completely with me showing my buttocks off for you all in my bathing suit...sorry for you sensitive stomach readers, avert your eyes if you're easily offended.)

Sent the doc an email - update

Ok, I decided to follow all of your suggestions and I just sent my doc this email this morning:

Hi Dr. M,

I'm feeling some anxiety inbetween appointments wondering whether everything is going ok down there. Yesterday I noticed some slight brown discharge on my underwear which gave me a little concern. However, it was just one time and never appeared again. I dont have any other pain or bleeding, but based on my history, I cannot help but worry. My next appointment with you is June 16. Is there a way where I can come in just for a short check (ie. hear the baby's heartbeat) to make sure everything is ok before then? The one month wait in between appointments is difficult for me.

I'll update this post with his response. I'm anxious about going in because part of me doesnt' want to know if anything is going wrong, but I know I should because I will probably (most definitely, better be) finding out that everything is going right. It's kinda like another bloggy friend who wrote that she didn't want to find out the results of a test she had taken at the RE's. I completely understand the feeling. It's a feeling of wanting to know but not really wanting to know. You know? I'm a crazy lady.....

*** update: Doc wrote back (in two hours I might add, impressive!) He said: Hi [B MoM]. Yes, I will have the nurses call you to shedule an office visit.

I then received another email from an RN asking me to call the clinic to schedule an appointment. I have an appointment tomorrow morning 9:00 a.m. with another doctor (since my doctor is booked up today and tomorrow and we thought it best for me to come in). She did advise me to come in to the ER if I start bleeding heavily. (yikes!) I guess they're taking my mention of brown discharge as spotting...you know, in my mind, I didn't even relegate the situation to spotting status, so now I'm a little more freaked out.

It's weird, throughout the day, at times I'm worried, at times I'm not. Now, I'm in the "not worried" category, so I'm feeling a little foolish. It's just not me to be "unusual" and needing "special" attention....I like to be the norm, so this is all new for me and pushing me out of my comfort zone.

I will keep you updated about the appointment tomorrow. And I normally dont have to pay anything for my prenatal appointments, but for this one, I have to pay the normal co-pay....oh well, its worth it. I'm guessing they must get this sort of thing often, huh?

The Nerves.

So after posting this morning, I went to the bathroom and noticed some brown discharge on my panties. However, when I wiped, there was nothing on the TP. Each time I went to the bathroom afterwards, I got nervous to look down, but all is the same...nothing. Was the brown discharge just a fluke (nothing smelly either...sorry if this is too graphic)? Since then, I've gotten myself into a smally tizzy...wondering if all is ok in there, analyzing every little twinge and cramp. Ugh! I really want to get a doppler so I can check for a heartbeat on my own, but at the same time I'm terrifed to go get one because what if I cannot find the heartbeat? Sometimes ignorance is bliss...and I'm not sure if this ignorance is blissful.

It's 15 more days till my next appointment. I'm trying to hold out till then. I called the DH and he helped reassure me that all is going ok and that we dont need a doppler (and financially we really shouldn't be spending money on that). It would be helpful if I knew someone that had one b/c maybe I could just go over and check myself out.

I've thought about calling the doctor's office, but I'm not sure what to say or what they'll say or do that can help. You think they'll let me come in just for a check? I'm sure they get worried moms calling in all the time and simply say if there's no bleeding or pain that all is well. Maybe I'll send an email over. This worry cant be good for baby....(though I think the worry level is ok, not unhealthy at this point). Maybe they will let me come in sooner.....

I think this anxiety comes from starting to tell so many people about the pregnancy. (Went to a wedding yesterday where the pregnancy was a hot topic with the gang). It's really starting to set in that we're pregnant, yet, I dont feel pregnant (except for Saturday, where I was having a tough pregancy day) and dont really look pregnant (still just looking fat). I'm working hard to stand on my faith in God that all is well down there. It's tough, but i'm trying. Oh that's the other thing... I'm trying to practice what I preach and walk by faith and not by sight, and it doesn't help if I cannot even stand on my faith that all is well and need the wordly reassurance of hearing the baby's heartbeat to keep me going. Now that's not really having much faith at all, isn't it?

Ack, get me out of this funk! I thought 2nd trimester was supposed to be a breeze?

2nd Prenatal Appointment Tomorrow!

It's almost here! My 2nd prenatal appointment, which is tomorrow at 3:00pm. Wow, it's been soooooo long since I last went to the doctors. Other than the follow up email I sent my doctor after my first appointment (where he told me not to have s.e.x - yeah right), I haven't spoken to or even called my doctor's office. I guess, with Dr. Google and all of my pregnancy boards and the WTE book, I just do not feel the need to. That's a good thing, I think.

I dont know what quite to expect tomorrow. I believe that at my last appointment, I was told this appointment was to be a physical and work up on my medical history and that I will be seeing a nurse practitioner instead of my OB. I've seen this NP before, and I love her, but I have never seen her for this type of thing. I dont think I'll be getting an ultra sound, but I'm hoping that she'll be able to tell me during my exam if all feels right for how far along I am (11 weeks and 1 day!!). At this appointment, I also believe I'll probably receive my next appointment date which will be with Dr. M and will probably involve another ultra sound. Yippee!

I'm still nervous for the appointment tomorrow. Not quite as nervous as I was for my last appointment though....I guess because I just believe that everything is going alright in there. I haven't had any cause for worry (other than my prior MC history) and although, I know just because you have no pain or bleeding doesn't mean everything is A-OK (as was the case with my last MC when I had to have a D&C), I'm just standing on faith that we found the problem that was causing the MCs, fixed it and everything is going smoothly. I prayed to the Lord, and He has answered my prayers....simple as that. Right?!

Another biggie is that I'll be heading to this appointment alone, meaning sans the DH. He'll be working. He's going to try to get off to come with, but if he's on a call, or they're busy doing something, he may not make it. There better not be any bad news (which OFCOURSE THERE WONT BE) because he's my rock and without my rock I'll be a mess. (Nah I wont be, but still, I want DH to be there for both good and bad).

Well, in a little over 30 hours, I'll be at the doctor's office, receiving another perfect report!!! (See, that's me thinking positively).

Oh - on the symptom front - the newest symptoms I've had over the trip and since we returned are gas (talk about fart central...you know, the silent but violent kind....Lord!), constipation, diarrhea (probably mostly due to the bad eating habits I had while on vacation), headaches (they're gone for now and were only mild), bloat (I have a teeny tiny belly, but look more like I'm overeating -which I probably am- rather than carrying a baby. New belly pic to come this weekend). I had some nausea on vacation, but its pretty much gone. I still have the frequent peeing and sore BBs which were and likely will be my constant companion for a while. And the best news of all - I have grown a bra cup size!!! whoooooooooooo! I'm loving that. AND I feel as if I may have to go up another!!!!

3 more days....

I'll either be super stoked or super bummed in three days. I'm standing on my faith that it'll be the former.

Since my last post, I've been doing ok with pushing away that fear and thinking postive. I haven't been checking the TP as much. However, I must make a concious effort to think postive constantly. Both DH and I talk about the upcoming u/s often and both of us are trying to only think positive. We've even come up with a potential baby name, something that we haven't really allowed ourselves to do before. I'll reveal the name after Tuesday, in celebration of our great news. The name selection is not for sure, as we've spouted out tons of names over the years that we've been together, but for this week, it's a name that I like.

I'll be praying tons and celebrating the Lord's ressurection while we undergo the wait in the next three days.

Thank you Lord for my little miracle and for the perfect report that we'll have on Tuesday. We'll see our little one's heartbeat and have his or her first picture to share with you in three days.

Do not be afraid

Thanks to fellow blogger, Amy, I was reminded of a very important scripture that I'm going to re-read every day (as I've wrote it on a post-it and put it on my work computer where I sit all day long). It says:

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8.

I've been having a constant battle with fear and worry. It's tough, when you've had two prior MCs, there's a fear that it will happen again. I look at my TP every time I wipe to see if there's blood. When I feel "moisture" down there, I have to resist the urge to go "check" to see if its blood, and I admit, sometimes the urge gets the best of me. I get nervous when I dont "feel" any symptoms. I replay the last ultra sound I had where the technician was silent, then excused herself to go get the doctor, who then told me I was a "mist" or someone who they were not sure if I was just 3 weeks behind or miscarrying.

But I must and do consciously choose to push these thoughts out of my head. I choose to cast aside my fears and my worries. I remind myself to be "strong in faith...fully persuaded that what God has promised, He is able to perform!" Romans 4:20-21. I know that I am blessed, and the fruit of my womb, this little baby is blessed. I just need to focus on those thoughts for six more days.

On the pregnancy symptom front, I think I felt more morning sickness than usual as I was getting ready for work this morning, but thankfully, the feelings have subsided. I've noticed that the two times I felt really sick were both times when I wasn't satisfied with what I had for breakfast. Today I practically gagged when I ate this mango relish recipie thing that I got from WTEWE. The nips are not as sensitive today, but I swear, both me and DH thought they looked larger than usual last night. Still peeing often, feeling thirsty often, and hungry every few hours. I may have had constipation for the last couple of days b/c everytime I feel like going, when I get there, I just sorta sit (TMI, i know) without much "productivity" so to speak. I'm not sure, I've never really had constipation, but I imagine that this is probably a mild case of it.

6 more days!!!

Dont be discouraged!

I keep telling myself that.....remain positive...have faith....trust in the Lord.
Man this waiting is tough! I can feel it trying to consume me...the worry, the fear, the anxiety...what if this cycle is a bust?

It's times like these when I turn to the Word. The bible says: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4: 6-7.

I've been repeating this verse to myself over and over yesterday and today. I admit, anxiety is coming over me and I'm doing my best to obey God's word and overcome it. I'm trying not to be anxious. And I'm praying to God...please, grant me the desires of my heart....Thank you Lord for answering my prayers.

Symptom-less?

I'm anxious (but I'm really trying not to be). I've been comparing this cycle's post O symptoms to my last cycle when I got a BFP. The biggest difference I see between the two cycles is that in the BFP cycle, I had copious amounts of creamy CM. This cycle, I had much less. Yesterday and the day before, my CM seemed a little more than normal, but today, it's gone away. I really dont know what to make of it. I also keep checking the BBs to see if they're sensitive or sore, and nothing. I may be imagining slight cramps and backaches, but really, they are so faint, that I think it's all in my head.

I'm trying to tell myself that I'm still in the running, because my first BFP cycle, I didn't see any increased CM or sensitive BBs and only realized I was preggo because AF was overdue by 6 days.

I really really want to see a BFP and a December 2009 baby. I've got about 6 more days before AF is due and 7 more days till I plan to test. (As of today, I'm planning to test on 3/25, trying t0 hold out on testing until AF is overdue). I'm so anxious!!!

***Edit - I just went back and reviewed my blog that I kept just after my first MC and during my 2nd BFP and its accompanying journey. I was such a happy go-lucky person in that blog. Cute even. My posts on this blog lack that happy go lucky flair. It really emphasizes my belief that since the 2nd mc, I feel robbed of my innocense. Granted, I'm still a fairly positive person, but its amazing to see the difference in my posts and thus, my attitude from that 2ww to this 2ww. I pray that I will one day be able to get back to that happy go lucky self. This journey has been tough...it's left me scarred from battle, but the war is NOT over. I have the Lord's strength to carry me through....and that's just what I intend to rely on now...when things are getting tough and my anxiety kicks in.

NO O?

I thought I ovulated but I guess I didn't. My temps are still low. I'm disappointed and worried. This means, my cycles are still out of whack. I'm also a bit nervous today. I go for my pre-op consult with Dr. M at 1:30. It'll be a fairly quick and easy appointment I think. I've got some pre-typed out questions I'd like to ask him. I'm anxious to hear what he'll have to say. I'm praying that everything goes smoothly, both today and on Thursday. I hope he can help me figure out what's going on with my cycles too.

I'll update with how the appointment went.

Pre-appt. Anxiety

I go to my doctor's today to discuss the fibroid situation. I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm excited. I want to start TTC and want to have a plan in place for that journey. Part of me hopes that she'll say, oh, it's nothing, you can start TTC today if you want...but a huge part of me knows that she wont and doesn't want her to. The other doc who found the fibroid (the one who got nominated as one of the top 50 doctors in this town) said he thinks this is the cause of my prior MCs...I cannot take that statement lightly. Plus from my own research, it looks like removing the fibroid is pretty simple. So, why not have it removed, and ensure that my next PG has that much more chance at success? I'd hate to have to go through ANOTHER loss.

I'm nervous, nervous, nervous --- 2:15pm cannot seem to get here fast enought.