Ho'ea is five months old today! wow, he is almost half a year old! How time flies.
Last week, he started scratching his head/face more and I initially thought he was doing it as a sleep mechanism, b/c he would only do it just before he fell asleep. Well, then his cheeks started turning red, and then i thought he might be sensitive to the bath soap we'd been using (Kaua all of a sudden became sensitive at about 2-3 mos old...so I thought it could be something similar). But when we changed bath soaps without any improvement, and in fact, saw his condition worsening, I took him to the doctor. He was diagnosed with eczema last thursday.
The pediatrician (not his regular one....Kaiser will give you whoever is available to fit you in quick) recommended 1% hydrocortisone ointment and tons of moisturizer. That seemed to do the trick because that night, Ho'ea began sleeping through the night again (he had stopped ever since he first started scratching).
(OMG -side note, Kaua is watching sesame street - so I can have some down time to type - and elmo is on, his favorite, but they're discussing the weather and a tornado is depicted as a puppet and kaua is freaked out! He wants the tornado to go "bye bye" and he jumped and startled when it first appeared and even shuddered! Amazing...this isn't the first time he's seen this episode because we have it recorded for just in case emergencies, but its the first time he's reacted negatively to it. Wow, it really is true that when they watch the same show or read the same book over and over, they learn something new each time).
Unfortunately, the next day, Ho'ea started scratching again, but this time it was his scalp!!! I tried to apply the hydracortizone ointment and moisturizers to his head, but his hair is so thick, I dont know if I got it on properly. Anyway, it started getting worse again, and he even seemed to have it on his eyes and was constantly rubbing them, so I made another appointment today. (I did call the oncall advice line and spoke with another pediatrician over the weekend, who also told me to keep trying to apply the ointment and moisturizers to his scalp). Basically, the same pediatrician said there was not much more we could do....she suggested trying a dandruff shampoo, like Selson Blue, and referred me to the dermatologist. She also said that if I got desparate, I could try giving him 8 ML of benadryl (an antihistamine) (how I get 8 ML is pretty difficult, though, b/c I could only find liquid gel capsules of 25ML...but anyway) but that they did not recommend it to children this young. We talked about it as a last resort and the potential side effects (apparently, drowsiness is the only one, which is something that sounds appealing to me since he's having such a hard time sleeping). So tonight, I went to the store, purchased two additional types of eczema moisturizers, picked up some Selson Blue and benadryl and slathered them on Ho'ea. I have not given the benadryl and really will use it only if I'm desparate because I really try to adhere to the most conservative, less is more, approach to medications.
He's still scratching, but it seems less intense. *cross my fingers, knock on wood* I will still take him to the dermatologist when/if I get an appt. Not sure if they'll be able to do much more than I've already done (I did my google research - at the suggestion of the pediatrician at Ho'ea's first appt), but I want to make sure I cover all my bases.
Oh crap...he's up and crying.
And he's back down. (I'm typing this at night when he's sleeping, and he just let out a couple cries...but when I went to check on him, he was sleeping. This has been typical ever since the eczema came on....he wakes up fairly often, fussing, because he is so itchy).
Eczema is pretty awful. From what I've learned, this condition is common in infants and most of 'em grow out of it by the age of 2. (What, I've got a year and a half more left of this sad torture??!!) There is also apparently no cure, just different methods to help alleviate the itching and the scratching which makes it worse. Skin moisture (or lack thereof) is the key. Eczema runs in the family, and while DH and I dont seem to have it, I believe my dad had it and so did his mom. My cousin on my dad's side also said that her oldest daughter had it.
Ugh...it's awful to have your child suffer and you're helpless to stop it. I've been praying that God heals his condition and alleviates his suffering. My new year resolution is to get back closer to God. I feel like i've strayed over the past year or two, and I really want to rebuild/reestablish the relationship.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Monday, September 14, 2009
28 weeks and crib is set up!
We made it another week! Here's my 28 week belly photo and interestingly, there was no growth in belly inches:
Newer symptoms are a feeling of heaviness in my lower belly/uterus. It's a little difficult to describe. Its not BH but more like I'm just getting bigger (Kaua is, I mean) and I can feel his weight more. Occassionally, I feel sharp pangs in my lower sides, which I'm sure is round ligament pain, as well as an occasional sharp pain in my left butt cheek, which I'm pretty sure is sciatic nerve pain. I usualy only feel these when changing positions (from sitting to standing or vice versa) and I read in WTE that that's normal. Once in a while I feel a little dull cramp-like achy pain, which I'm not sure what its caused by. i'm not alarmed at it b/c it's dull and occasional. I think it could be Kaua kicking me in my cervix, but I dont feel a kick low, which would further indicate its him. Perhaps he's sitting on my cervix sometimes? Not sure, so I'll call my doctor if I get concerned and really monitor myself when I feel that (make sure it's not preterm labor or something). I'm also starting to notice pregnancy fatigue more in the sense that I'm feeling less energetic than usual. Even in the mornings, I'm feeling tired and sometimes like I wouldn't mind just staying in bed. We also set up Kaua's crib this weekend and it looks great! (despite not having any bedding).
As we put the crib together (mostly DH doing the work with me occassionally assisting), I noticed the difficulty in getting up and down from sitting on the floor and overall I just felt the need to sit more often. One of my friends also came by to drop off newborn sized diapers that her daughter no longer fits, so we got a nice little starter supply of diapers. She also dropped off a cute little blue bathrobe for Kaua.
Previously, the room that Kaua's crib is in had a futon bed/couch. We were able to sell that for $30 over the weekend (it wasn't in the best of conditions so the money was a nice bonus since we were just going to throw it out), so now Kaua's room has the crib and diaper changer in it. I like walking by it and peeking in and seeing the nursery developing (though not as fancy and visually appealing as I'd prefer). It's just so exciting that we'll be having a child in a couple months! (And a little overwhelming too.). There's a lot more I want to do to the room, but I'm hesitant b/c we're moving, so I'm a litte saddened at the thought that we wont be living here for very long to enjoy it.
Which brings me on to another topic. Our move. You all know that DH is currently working away from me, so we're commuting on the weekends until I can move to be with him. The good news is, he is finished with his training early and will be put out on the field soon. The bad news is, he was just told that he will not be stationed where we thought he was going to be stationed, meaning his schedule will not be very accomodating to commuting back and forth. He's appealed to his chief about the transfer and the chief is trying to see what he can do, but there's no guarantees at this point. There are good things and bad things to this new twist in our situation.
Good news is, this may hasten my permanent move to be with DH quicker. And when I move, the schedule will work out just fine. With the prior situation, I initially planned to give birth here then move to be with DH at my leisure while he communted back and forth till then. Now, I will still give birth here, but may move shortly thereafter (maybe even not returning to work after maternity leave). The bad news is almost purely cosmetic-ish in that I'm reluctant to move out of our "home" and move in with my mom (though I love her, it's so hard to move back home after owning your own). DH, myself and Kaua will be living in a 3 bedroom with mom and her BF. Though that's still plenty of room for all of us, it wont be our own home filled with our stuff chosen specifically for our own comfort. We'll be sharing everything. I wont get to do a nursery with Kaua b/c the spare bedroom is currently my mom's office. Kaua will likely be rooming in with me and DH. It also may be a while before we can afford to get our own place, so we'll be with my mom for probably a couple years. I will also be leaving my job earlier than desired. I work for a great company and am disappointed at having to leave them and eventually look for new work (in a market which is not as great as it is here). Leaving my job will also put additional financial strains on us since we'll be living off of DH's already reduced income alone. Plus we'll all have to go under DH's medical plan which may be difficult at first based on the enrollment timing rules for the healthcare provider. Also, although DH and I will be together (yippee!!!) in one place as it should be especially when raising our first child, it will take some adjusting to the new town since we've built our lives where I'm currently living (all of our friends are here, there's a lot more to do here in the big city, etc). I really love where we live now, so I'm going to miss it. I also wanted Kaua to spend some time (just for a little) in the town which is his namesake (or at least the weather of the town), but such may not be the case since we may be moving so soon.
Either way, we've got some really decisions to make soon, depending on where DH gets stationed, and coupling this with the impending birth of our first child, is somewhat overwhelming at times for me.
But thankfully, so far Kaua is healthy and that's all that really matters. The rest is all negotiable. So for that I praise God. As for the rest, I'm going to pray to God to direct my path when determining what the best choices are for our family.
Newer symptoms are a feeling of heaviness in my lower belly/uterus. It's a little difficult to describe. Its not BH but more like I'm just getting bigger (Kaua is, I mean) and I can feel his weight more. Occassionally, I feel sharp pangs in my lower sides, which I'm sure is round ligament pain, as well as an occasional sharp pain in my left butt cheek, which I'm pretty sure is sciatic nerve pain. I usualy only feel these when changing positions (from sitting to standing or vice versa) and I read in WTE that that's normal. Once in a while I feel a little dull cramp-like achy pain, which I'm not sure what its caused by. i'm not alarmed at it b/c it's dull and occasional. I think it could be Kaua kicking me in my cervix, but I dont feel a kick low, which would further indicate its him. Perhaps he's sitting on my cervix sometimes? Not sure, so I'll call my doctor if I get concerned and really monitor myself when I feel that (make sure it's not preterm labor or something). I'm also starting to notice pregnancy fatigue more in the sense that I'm feeling less energetic than usual. Even in the mornings, I'm feeling tired and sometimes like I wouldn't mind just staying in bed. We also set up Kaua's crib this weekend and it looks great! (despite not having any bedding).
As we put the crib together (mostly DH doing the work with me occassionally assisting), I noticed the difficulty in getting up and down from sitting on the floor and overall I just felt the need to sit more often. One of my friends also came by to drop off newborn sized diapers that her daughter no longer fits, so we got a nice little starter supply of diapers. She also dropped off a cute little blue bathrobe for Kaua.
Previously, the room that Kaua's crib is in had a futon bed/couch. We were able to sell that for $30 over the weekend (it wasn't in the best of conditions so the money was a nice bonus since we were just going to throw it out), so now Kaua's room has the crib and diaper changer in it. I like walking by it and peeking in and seeing the nursery developing (though not as fancy and visually appealing as I'd prefer). It's just so exciting that we'll be having a child in a couple months! (And a little overwhelming too.). There's a lot more I want to do to the room, but I'm hesitant b/c we're moving, so I'm a litte saddened at the thought that we wont be living here for very long to enjoy it.
Which brings me on to another topic. Our move. You all know that DH is currently working away from me, so we're commuting on the weekends until I can move to be with him. The good news is, he is finished with his training early and will be put out on the field soon. The bad news is, he was just told that he will not be stationed where we thought he was going to be stationed, meaning his schedule will not be very accomodating to commuting back and forth. He's appealed to his chief about the transfer and the chief is trying to see what he can do, but there's no guarantees at this point. There are good things and bad things to this new twist in our situation.
Good news is, this may hasten my permanent move to be with DH quicker. And when I move, the schedule will work out just fine. With the prior situation, I initially planned to give birth here then move to be with DH at my leisure while he communted back and forth till then. Now, I will still give birth here, but may move shortly thereafter (maybe even not returning to work after maternity leave). The bad news is almost purely cosmetic-ish in that I'm reluctant to move out of our "home" and move in with my mom (though I love her, it's so hard to move back home after owning your own). DH, myself and Kaua will be living in a 3 bedroom with mom and her BF. Though that's still plenty of room for all of us, it wont be our own home filled with our stuff chosen specifically for our own comfort. We'll be sharing everything. I wont get to do a nursery with Kaua b/c the spare bedroom is currently my mom's office. Kaua will likely be rooming in with me and DH. It also may be a while before we can afford to get our own place, so we'll be with my mom for probably a couple years. I will also be leaving my job earlier than desired. I work for a great company and am disappointed at having to leave them and eventually look for new work (in a market which is not as great as it is here). Leaving my job will also put additional financial strains on us since we'll be living off of DH's already reduced income alone. Plus we'll all have to go under DH's medical plan which may be difficult at first based on the enrollment timing rules for the healthcare provider. Also, although DH and I will be together (yippee!!!) in one place as it should be especially when raising our first child, it will take some adjusting to the new town since we've built our lives where I'm currently living (all of our friends are here, there's a lot more to do here in the big city, etc). I really love where we live now, so I'm going to miss it. I also wanted Kaua to spend some time (just for a little) in the town which is his namesake (or at least the weather of the town), but such may not be the case since we may be moving so soon.
Either way, we've got some really decisions to make soon, depending on where DH gets stationed, and coupling this with the impending birth of our first child, is somewhat overwhelming at times for me.
But thankfully, so far Kaua is healthy and that's all that really matters. The rest is all negotiable. So for that I praise God. As for the rest, I'm going to pray to God to direct my path when determining what the best choices are for our family.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
5th PNA went well
By now, these PNA appointments are becoming fairly routine and uneventful for me. I even went all by my little self like a big girl. I got to see my old OB - Dr. B because my current OB, Dr. M. was on vacation. I like Dr. B because she has great bedside manners. I feel as if she takes more time with me to explain things. My repoire with her is best. But unfortunately, I had to switch from her because when I was having the MC complications, she kept referring me out to other doctors, which I didn't like. I want to see one doctor that does it all (sort of).
Anywas, back to my appointment. Baby boy is doing fine! (Thank you God!) His heartbeat was about 145-150. He wasn't moving very much when she had the doppler on me, (still moving though), but he's been quite the active little guy everyday, so I'm not worried at all. We discussed some questions I had about my funky nipples (apparently its normal for the tips of the nipples to harden a little - almost like scabs - in preparation for my milk production). She said if they get itcy, like they have been off and on, I can put lotion or oil on them (which I have been).
She also encouraged me to consider taking the H1N1 flu shot, which will be out and available in my clinic in October. She said that she's never seen the CDC or the government push a flu vaccination out so fast and explained that pregnant women are on the top of the list of who can get the shot because of the deaths in America, pregnant women are by far a large group of the population who are apparently susceptible, even though they are fairly healthy. I was at first, reluctant to get the shot because I dont like pumping my body full of chemicals and stuff if its not necessary. She helped ease my fears saying that it wasn't like these would be hormones or other chemicals, but instead types of proteins and viruses that will help my body fight off the virus should I ever come into contact with it. She said they've been giving pregnant women the flu vaccination for years and have not found any bad side effects, and the H1N1 would be no different. DH is still not sure he's into me having the shot, especially since October will be so close to my due date anyways (Dec. 6) that it may not even be really necessary. I'm going to give it some more thought....
If you're expecting, what's your stance on getting the H1N1 flu shot?
My next appt is in 27 days and I'll have to take my glucola test a few days prior to the appointment so we can go over my results. This is a big test for me because if I fail, I could have gestational diabetes which means a whole crap load of stuff I need to do to monitor it. (GD can cause your baby to grow to big and other complications in your pregnancy and with baby). My coworker had GD during her first pregnancy and just found out she has it again for her 2nd pregnancy. It's not a fun thing to have at all. And unfortunately, its just something someone gets during pregnancy, no matter how healthy or unhealthy they are. So this next appt will be a biggie for me. The good news for GD is that I'll be on a strict diet which will hopefully regulate this weight gain, because even though I've been trying to be good, I still gained another 5 lbs since my last appt. The total weight gain for me has been 19 lbs so far! yucky!
Also up on the countdown list for me - 2 more weeks till the MIL leaves!!! Ugh! Cant wait. She's a fine houseguest and all, but still, 2 months is just way way way way too long to be living with your MIL. I miss having it just be me and the hubsters at home. But the sad thing is DH leaves to go to his new job location (with less pay!!!) just 4 days after MIL leaves, so that's sad. =( We'll try to fly back and forth to see each other every weekend, but with a pay cut, it may not be feasible to do it every weekend. We'll see though...I'm going to pray to God about it, and I'm finding that He always answer my prayers.
Anywas, back to my appointment. Baby boy is doing fine! (Thank you God!) His heartbeat was about 145-150. He wasn't moving very much when she had the doppler on me, (still moving though), but he's been quite the active little guy everyday, so I'm not worried at all. We discussed some questions I had about my funky nipples (apparently its normal for the tips of the nipples to harden a little - almost like scabs - in preparation for my milk production). She said if they get itcy, like they have been off and on, I can put lotion or oil on them (which I have been).
She also encouraged me to consider taking the H1N1 flu shot, which will be out and available in my clinic in October. She said that she's never seen the CDC or the government push a flu vaccination out so fast and explained that pregnant women are on the top of the list of who can get the shot because of the deaths in America, pregnant women are by far a large group of the population who are apparently susceptible, even though they are fairly healthy. I was at first, reluctant to get the shot because I dont like pumping my body full of chemicals and stuff if its not necessary. She helped ease my fears saying that it wasn't like these would be hormones or other chemicals, but instead types of proteins and viruses that will help my body fight off the virus should I ever come into contact with it. She said they've been giving pregnant women the flu vaccination for years and have not found any bad side effects, and the H1N1 would be no different. DH is still not sure he's into me having the shot, especially since October will be so close to my due date anyways (Dec. 6) that it may not even be really necessary. I'm going to give it some more thought....
If you're expecting, what's your stance on getting the H1N1 flu shot?
My next appt is in 27 days and I'll have to take my glucola test a few days prior to the appointment so we can go over my results. This is a big test for me because if I fail, I could have gestational diabetes which means a whole crap load of stuff I need to do to monitor it. (GD can cause your baby to grow to big and other complications in your pregnancy and with baby). My coworker had GD during her first pregnancy and just found out she has it again for her 2nd pregnancy. It's not a fun thing to have at all. And unfortunately, its just something someone gets during pregnancy, no matter how healthy or unhealthy they are. So this next appt will be a biggie for me. The good news for GD is that I'll be on a strict diet which will hopefully regulate this weight gain, because even though I've been trying to be good, I still gained another 5 lbs since my last appt. The total weight gain for me has been 19 lbs so far! yucky!
Also up on the countdown list for me - 2 more weeks till the MIL leaves!!! Ugh! Cant wait. She's a fine houseguest and all, but still, 2 months is just way way way way too long to be living with your MIL. I miss having it just be me and the hubsters at home. But the sad thing is DH leaves to go to his new job location (with less pay!!!) just 4 days after MIL leaves, so that's sad. =( We'll try to fly back and forth to see each other every weekend, but with a pay cut, it may not be feasible to do it every weekend. We'll see though...I'm going to pray to God about it, and I'm finding that He always answer my prayers.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Spotting scare(s)
As if yesterday's news wasn't enough, I also started spotting (again). However, it was bright bright red blood last night and boy did that freak me out. It was after hours when it started, so I called the advice nurse line for after hours and they instructed me to go straight to the hospital, L&D. When I got there, there was a slight mix up, b/c apparently, L&D only takes moms beyond 20 weeks, and I'm only 15.5 weeks. They were wonderful though, and took me anyway. (It may have helped that when they started asking me about my MC history, I started bawling...bc it's really difficult to talk about when you think you're going through another one). Luckily, PRAISE GOD, baby is completely fine! He was just kicking away on the screen and his heartbeat still sounded strong and regular. The doc was informed of my big u/s appointment being pushed up to next week b/c of my abnormal quad results, but she reassured me that based on what she could see, baby looked completely normal and healthy. She was very reassuring about my spotting and explained that sometimes, some women just bleed. (She called it a "friable cervix" and compared it to people that easily have nose bleeds.) She also mentioned that sometimes, when a placenta is low and covers the cervix, this could be a cause for concern, but noted that my placenta, while a little low, did not appear to be covering the cervix. She said that the doctor I'll be seeing next week tuesday is a specialist at these kinds of things and that I'd find out more from him then.
I was discharged home shortly with the instructions to take it easy till the appointment, which includes not going into work today or Monday and Tuesday. Now, with my occupation, that's not always easily do-able, but I'm going to try. The health of this little one depends on it. The bleeding stopped as soon as it came last night, and no more till this morning. However, the spotting was much lighter and dark brown. Kinda like that slight scare I had a couple weeks ago. I'm feeling a little crampy down there, but I'm not sure if its the normal off and on crampy that I've been feeling throughout the pregnancy which we all attribute to my uterus growing or something else. I'm not sure what's going on with me.
I'm reminded very much of my fellow bloggy friend (who interstingly enough, also had a septate uterus and surgery to correct it after a two losses) who was also "a bleeder". She's getting ready to give birth to her healthy baby boy any second. =) Hi Meg!! Her story has always been an inspiration from me, even before I found out I had a SU and for some reason I've always been drawn to her blog. Now that I find out that our stories our soooo similar, I've been finding myself perusing her blog to see how she felt and dealt with things when she was as far along as I was. I find it very helpful and reassuring. God works wonders doesn't he?
I'm continuing to pray and put my anxiety and trust on and in the Lord. Nothing is impossible for Him and I know He answers prayers. He's already answered my prayers, and I know I will have a beautiful, healthy, normal, baby come December 2009. That's all I need to know. Believe and Receive.
I was discharged home shortly with the instructions to take it easy till the appointment, which includes not going into work today or Monday and Tuesday. Now, with my occupation, that's not always easily do-able, but I'm going to try. The health of this little one depends on it. The bleeding stopped as soon as it came last night, and no more till this morning. However, the spotting was much lighter and dark brown. Kinda like that slight scare I had a couple weeks ago. I'm feeling a little crampy down there, but I'm not sure if its the normal off and on crampy that I've been feeling throughout the pregnancy which we all attribute to my uterus growing or something else. I'm not sure what's going on with me.
I'm reminded very much of my fellow bloggy friend (who interstingly enough, also had a septate uterus and surgery to correct it after a two losses) who was also "a bleeder". She's getting ready to give birth to her healthy baby boy any second. =) Hi Meg!! Her story has always been an inspiration from me, even before I found out I had a SU and for some reason I've always been drawn to her blog. Now that I find out that our stories our soooo similar, I've been finding myself perusing her blog to see how she felt and dealt with things when she was as far along as I was. I find it very helpful and reassuring. God works wonders doesn't he?
I'm continuing to pray and put my anxiety and trust on and in the Lord. Nothing is impossible for Him and I know He answers prayers. He's already answered my prayers, and I know I will have a beautiful, healthy, normal, baby come December 2009. That's all I need to know. Believe and Receive.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Trust in God
In today's daily devotional from KCM.org, the introductory bible verse struck me and I wanted to share it with the blog-o-world.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6.
This just really resonated with me and reminded me to trust God and He'll show me the way. Extremely helpful for a time in my life when everything is about to change (not only is baby coming soon, but we may be moving across the seas, with DH having to go first for his job, which means selling our home, possibly being without DH for long periods of time, shipping our things, and figuring out a new job for me and how to pay for it all with a baby on the way!)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6.
This just really resonated with me and reminded me to trust God and He'll show me the way. Extremely helpful for a time in my life when everything is about to change (not only is baby coming soon, but we may be moving across the seas, with DH having to go first for his job, which means selling our home, possibly being without DH for long periods of time, shipping our things, and figuring out a new job for me and how to pay for it all with a baby on the way!)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Symptom-less
Today, at 7w3d, is a symptom-less day. I feel less nauseated, almost normal, and the bb's are less sore. Yesterday, was a symptom-full day. Felt nauseated for most of the day and the bb's were super sore. Over the weekend, I think I was more symptom-full than less. I woke up this morning and even commented to the hubsters that I felt less pregnant. Ugh. I know its common for symptoms to come and go, and that I'm probably lucky -blah, blah, blah, but I dont know if I like this yo-yo.
I started researching home heart fetal monitors. I'm know I'm way to early for something like this, but man, over 1 month in between doctor's visits to reassure me that all is well down there, is asking a lot for me in terms of faith. But then again, that's what I've been preaching -- walking by faith and not by sight.
So with that said, I better contine to stand on my faith....the Lord has blessed me and this child will be fine. I believe I receive. "Strong in faith...fully persuaded that what God has promised, He is able to perform." Romans 4:20-21.
More on the first baby gift I've received in a little bit -- perhaps on one of those days where I'm symptom-full.
I started researching home heart fetal monitors. I'm know I'm way to early for something like this, but man, over 1 month in between doctor's visits to reassure me that all is well down there, is asking a lot for me in terms of faith. But then again, that's what I've been preaching -- walking by faith and not by sight.
So with that said, I better contine to stand on my faith....the Lord has blessed me and this child will be fine. I believe I receive. "Strong in faith...fully persuaded that what God has promised, He is able to perform." Romans 4:20-21.
More on the first baby gift I've received in a little bit -- perhaps on one of those days where I'm symptom-full.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Praise God, we have a heartbeat!
I cried when the technician said that everything looks good. =) And she found baby ASAP with the vaginal ultrasound. I'll post pictures tonight.
Can you believe it? We have a living baby in mah belleh! Whew, talk about a sigh of relief, a shout of joy and endless praise to the Lord. You should have seen me, the whole drive to the appointment, I was praying over and over saying aloud various pieces of scriptures I had read and could remember by heart. I kept praying softly even in the doctor's office. I kept praying even just before the ultra sound. And of course, I praised God after the appointment was over.
So baby is measuring 6 weeks 2 days. I'm due December 6 and the heart beat was nice and strong for his or her age at 122BPM. DH and I got to see the flicker on the screen, and we got to listen to it, and boy was it music to my ears. It's AMAZING to imagine that there is a tiny little living thing inside me. Thank you thank you Lord, for you are truly good!
I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders.
I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.
Psalm 9:1-2.
So, today, I believe I saw two signs from God that everything was ok. One was a rainbow as I drove into work. It appeared over the hill just as I was feeling a little anxiety come over me regarding the appointment. The second sign was today's daily devotional from KCM. It was about Genesis Chapter one and God's ability TO CREATE by stating His Word. Not sure if you remember, but for the new year I wrote a letter to God (as a part of a tradition where my friends write a letter to the universe every NYE and burn it as we watch the first sunrise of the new year) and my word for the year was "Creation" because I was planning to Create our litttle baby this year, in 2009. If you wanna refresh your memmory about what I said in that letter (you know, because you so aptly want to keep up with the daily nuances of my life), read this post here.
Ok, here's the kicker, I'm measuring 6weeks 2days, but according to FF, I should have been 6 weeks 6 days. Ugh....doesn't this motherhood stuff ever get easier? I mean c'mon, I completed one hurdle - I SAW MY BABY'S HEARTBEAT FOR THE FIRST TIME TODAY and now I have to worry if I'm measuring behind? The doc didn't seem to concerned, but unfortunately, he didn't spend much time with me. I didn't even get to whip out my pregnancy book with my questions. All I got to ask about was my upcoming trip. I'm thinking, maybe I should switch back to my old OB, you know the one who had great bedside manners, but couldn't handle all of my prior MC complications and surgeries? Now that I'm relegating myself (by faith) into normal pregnancy status, maybe I can go back to her? Ah, I guess its something to consider in another post. Anyways, guess I'm going to be updating my EDD and tickers to December 6.
And here's the other "kicker." Remember that long awaited trip DH and I had planned to fly to NYC, DC and Virginia in 2 weeks? Well doc recommends not to go. However, the only reason why he said he wouldn't recommend me going is because based on my history, he wouldn't want me to feel guilty if something happened. He did not say that he was worried about the traveling and its affect on my pregnancy. He just didn't want me to feel worried. Thank you very much doc, but I wasn't worried, but now that you're saying that, you're giving me reason to be worried. Am I going to call of the trip? Probably not. I know myself and my body and I know that this baby is going to do what it wants with or without the trip. Not to worry, I'm going to pray about it and make sure that what ever I decide is in my and this baby's best interest.
Can you believe it? We have a living baby in mah belleh! Whew, talk about a sigh of relief, a shout of joy and endless praise to the Lord. You should have seen me, the whole drive to the appointment, I was praying over and over saying aloud various pieces of scriptures I had read and could remember by heart. I kept praying softly even in the doctor's office. I kept praying even just before the ultra sound. And of course, I praised God after the appointment was over.
So baby is measuring 6 weeks 2 days. I'm due December 6 and the heart beat was nice and strong for his or her age at 122BPM. DH and I got to see the flicker on the screen, and we got to listen to it, and boy was it music to my ears. It's AMAZING to imagine that there is a tiny little living thing inside me. Thank you thank you Lord, for you are truly good!
I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders.
I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.
Psalm 9:1-2.
So, today, I believe I saw two signs from God that everything was ok. One was a rainbow as I drove into work. It appeared over the hill just as I was feeling a little anxiety come over me regarding the appointment. The second sign was today's daily devotional from KCM. It was about Genesis Chapter one and God's ability TO CREATE by stating His Word. Not sure if you remember, but for the new year I wrote a letter to God (as a part of a tradition where my friends write a letter to the universe every NYE and burn it as we watch the first sunrise of the new year) and my word for the year was "Creation" because I was planning to Create our litttle baby this year, in 2009. If you wanna refresh your memmory about what I said in that letter (you know, because you so aptly want to keep up with the daily nuances of my life), read this post here.
Ok, here's the kicker, I'm measuring 6weeks 2days, but according to FF, I should have been 6 weeks 6 days. Ugh....doesn't this motherhood stuff ever get easier? I mean c'mon, I completed one hurdle - I SAW MY BABY'S HEARTBEAT FOR THE FIRST TIME TODAY and now I have to worry if I'm measuring behind? The doc didn't seem to concerned, but unfortunately, he didn't spend much time with me. I didn't even get to whip out my pregnancy book with my questions. All I got to ask about was my upcoming trip. I'm thinking, maybe I should switch back to my old OB, you know the one who had great bedside manners, but couldn't handle all of my prior MC complications and surgeries? Now that I'm relegating myself (by faith) into normal pregnancy status, maybe I can go back to her? Ah, I guess its something to consider in another post. Anyways, guess I'm going to be updating my EDD and tickers to December 6.
And here's the other "kicker." Remember that long awaited trip DH and I had planned to fly to NYC, DC and Virginia in 2 weeks? Well doc recommends not to go. However, the only reason why he said he wouldn't recommend me going is because based on my history, he wouldn't want me to feel guilty if something happened. He did not say that he was worried about the traveling and its affect on my pregnancy. He just didn't want me to feel worried. Thank you very much doc, but I wasn't worried, but now that you're saying that, you're giving me reason to be worried. Am I going to call of the trip? Probably not. I know myself and my body and I know that this baby is going to do what it wants with or without the trip. Not to worry, I'm going to pray about it and make sure that what ever I decide is in my and this baby's best interest.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
3 more days....
I'll either be super stoked or super bummed in three days. I'm standing on my faith that it'll be the former.
Since my last post, I've been doing ok with pushing away that fear and thinking postive. I haven't been checking the TP as much. However, I must make a concious effort to think postive constantly. Both DH and I talk about the upcoming u/s often and both of us are trying to only think positive. We've even come up with a potential baby name, something that we haven't really allowed ourselves to do before. I'll reveal the name after Tuesday, in celebration of our great news. The name selection is not for sure, as we've spouted out tons of names over the years that we've been together, but for this week, it's a name that I like.
I'll be praying tons and celebrating the Lord's ressurection while we undergo the wait in the next three days.
Thank you Lord for my little miracle and for the perfect report that we'll have on Tuesday. We'll see our little one's heartbeat and have his or her first picture to share with you in three days.
Since my last post, I've been doing ok with pushing away that fear and thinking postive. I haven't been checking the TP as much. However, I must make a concious effort to think postive constantly. Both DH and I talk about the upcoming u/s often and both of us are trying to only think positive. We've even come up with a potential baby name, something that we haven't really allowed ourselves to do before. I'll reveal the name after Tuesday, in celebration of our great news. The name selection is not for sure, as we've spouted out tons of names over the years that we've been together, but for this week, it's a name that I like.
I'll be praying tons and celebrating the Lord's ressurection while we undergo the wait in the next three days.
Thank you Lord for my little miracle and for the perfect report that we'll have on Tuesday. We'll see our little one's heartbeat and have his or her first picture to share with you in three days.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Do not be afraid
Thanks to fellow blogger, Amy, I was reminded of a very important scripture that I'm going to re-read every day (as I've wrote it on a post-it and put it on my work computer where I sit all day long). It says:
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8.
I've been having a constant battle with fear and worry. It's tough, when you've had two prior MCs, there's a fear that it will happen again. I look at my TP every time I wipe to see if there's blood. When I feel "moisture" down there, I have to resist the urge to go "check" to see if its blood, and I admit, sometimes the urge gets the best of me. I get nervous when I dont "feel" any symptoms. I replay the last ultra sound I had where the technician was silent, then excused herself to go get the doctor, who then told me I was a "mist" or someone who they were not sure if I was just 3 weeks behind or miscarrying.
But I must and do consciously choose to push these thoughts out of my head. I choose to cast aside my fears and my worries. I remind myself to be "strong in faith...fully persuaded that what God has promised, He is able to perform!" Romans 4:20-21. I know that I am blessed, and the fruit of my womb, this little baby is blessed. I just need to focus on those thoughts for six more days.
On the pregnancy symptom front, I think I felt more morning sickness than usual as I was getting ready for work this morning, but thankfully, the feelings have subsided. I've noticed that the two times I felt really sick were both times when I wasn't satisfied with what I had for breakfast. Today I practically gagged when I ate this mango relish recipie thing that I got from WTEWE. The nips are not as sensitive today, but I swear, both me and DH thought they looked larger than usual last night. Still peeing often, feeling thirsty often, and hungry every few hours. I may have had constipation for the last couple of days b/c everytime I feel like going, when I get there, I just sorta sit (TMI, i know) without much "productivity" so to speak. I'm not sure, I've never really had constipation, but I imagine that this is probably a mild case of it.
6 more days!!!
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8.
I've been having a constant battle with fear and worry. It's tough, when you've had two prior MCs, there's a fear that it will happen again. I look at my TP every time I wipe to see if there's blood. When I feel "moisture" down there, I have to resist the urge to go "check" to see if its blood, and I admit, sometimes the urge gets the best of me. I get nervous when I dont "feel" any symptoms. I replay the last ultra sound I had where the technician was silent, then excused herself to go get the doctor, who then told me I was a "mist" or someone who they were not sure if I was just 3 weeks behind or miscarrying.
But I must and do consciously choose to push these thoughts out of my head. I choose to cast aside my fears and my worries. I remind myself to be "strong in faith...fully persuaded that what God has promised, He is able to perform!" Romans 4:20-21. I know that I am blessed, and the fruit of my womb, this little baby is blessed. I just need to focus on those thoughts for six more days.
On the pregnancy symptom front, I think I felt more morning sickness than usual as I was getting ready for work this morning, but thankfully, the feelings have subsided. I've noticed that the two times I felt really sick were both times when I wasn't satisfied with what I had for breakfast. Today I practically gagged when I ate this mango relish recipie thing that I got from WTEWE. The nips are not as sensitive today, but I swear, both me and DH thought they looked larger than usual last night. Still peeing often, feeling thirsty often, and hungry every few hours. I may have had constipation for the last couple of days b/c everytime I feel like going, when I get there, I just sorta sit (TMI, i know) without much "productivity" so to speak. I'm not sure, I've never really had constipation, but I imagine that this is probably a mild case of it.
6 more days!!!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I POAS again
Before my first BFP, I ordered more cheapy HPTs on the internet. They came in the mail last night, and since I'm relatively symptom free, I couldn't resist taking one immediately. After I came home from the gym I POAS again. I didn't really have much pee, but I did it any way. And you know, a dark line showed up just as fast as the control line, and they were both just as dark as the other. That made me happy. While I know this does not indicate how my u/s will go in two weeks, I at least have the comfort of knowing that my HCG levels have increased since Friday.
As for how the u/s will go in two weeks, I'm relying on the Lord for my positive report. Everyday I thank Him for my pregnancy, the healthy child we will have in December and the positive report we'll have on April 14th when we have the u/s and every appointment thereafter. Thank you Lord!
"Strong in faith...fully persuaded that what God has promised, He is able to perform!" Romans 4:20-21.
Symptom update: slight nipple sensitivity and waking up in the middle of the night to pee. That's it! I kinda like not having much symptoms because I can carry on with my life like normal (almost) and avoid thinking about my u/s and freaking out, but at the same time, having pregnancy symptoms would be reassuring. Tomorrow I'll have completed 5 weeks of pregnancy and will be entering my 6th week!
As for how the u/s will go in two weeks, I'm relying on the Lord for my positive report. Everyday I thank Him for my pregnancy, the healthy child we will have in December and the positive report we'll have on April 14th when we have the u/s and every appointment thereafter. Thank you Lord!
"Strong in faith...fully persuaded that what God has promised, He is able to perform!" Romans 4:20-21.
Symptom update: slight nipple sensitivity and waking up in the middle of the night to pee. That's it! I kinda like not having much symptoms because I can carry on with my life like normal (almost) and avoid thinking about my u/s and freaking out, but at the same time, having pregnancy symptoms would be reassuring. Tomorrow I'll have completed 5 weeks of pregnancy and will be entering my 6th week!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
faint line
Ok, 14DPO symptom update: Temp. still up. Yay! Food is starting to taste funny and not seem as appetizing. hmmmmm? Slight lightheaded/nausea feeling comes and goes. Having to pee more frequently. BBs still feel potentially, maybe, slightly, kinda sorta, just a tad bit fuller, but no nipple sensitivity. Cramping has stopped. But the real news is:
Can you see the shadow of a 2nd line? It's still very faint and not quite BFP status. Not as faint as yesterday, and honestly, the 2nd line is easier to see in person (I dont have the best digital camera), but it's there. I plan to test again on Saturday and if it gets darker, I'll call the doctor for an appointment. No need to immediately fret over HCG numbers (or as I've seen them be referred to as beta numbers). If it's meant to be it will be. As you can see, I'm determined to not let anxiety get the best of me.
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's might hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5: 6-7.
Today I'm pregnant. Praise the Lord, today I'm pregnant!
Can you see the shadow of a 2nd line? It's still very faint and not quite BFP status. Not as faint as yesterday, and honestly, the 2nd line is easier to see in person (I dont have the best digital camera), but it's there. I plan to test again on Saturday and if it gets darker, I'll call the doctor for an appointment. No need to immediately fret over HCG numbers (or as I've seen them be referred to as beta numbers). If it's meant to be it will be. As you can see, I'm determined to not let anxiety get the best of me.
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's might hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5: 6-7.
Today I'm pregnant. Praise the Lord, today I'm pregnant!
Friday, March 20, 2009
Dont be discouraged!
I keep telling myself that.....remain positive...have faith....trust in the Lord.
Man this waiting is tough! I can feel it trying to consume me...the worry, the fear, the anxiety...what if this cycle is a bust?
It's times like these when I turn to the Word. The bible says: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4: 6-7.
I've been repeating this verse to myself over and over yesterday and today. I admit, anxiety is coming over me and I'm doing my best to obey God's word and overcome it. I'm trying not to be anxious. And I'm praying to God...please, grant me the desires of my heart....Thank you Lord for answering my prayers.
Man this waiting is tough! I can feel it trying to consume me...the worry, the fear, the anxiety...what if this cycle is a bust?
It's times like these when I turn to the Word. The bible says: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4: 6-7.
I've been repeating this verse to myself over and over yesterday and today. I admit, anxiety is coming over me and I'm doing my best to obey God's word and overcome it. I'm trying not to be anxious. And I'm praying to God...please, grant me the desires of my heart....Thank you Lord for answering my prayers.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Enduring Hardships
Cautionary note: This blog could be controversial because it's about religion. I hope I do not offend anyone and complete appreciate respectful comments posing your view, even if it's not the same as my own.
A fellow blogger, Amy, has written a post in response to a question I posed to her a while back. It's about enduring hardships and the Lord and his plan for his followers, especially when we endure hardships. I personally do not think that bad stuff in life are caused by God, rather I think it is the devil that causes bad things to happen. I do think God has the ability to intervene though, and why he doesn't choose to intervene in certain instances, can be a mystery. I do believe that many times, God does not intervene because a person has not asked him to (or asked properly) and other times, when you've cried, begged and pleaded with God, He does not intervene for your own good, although we cannot understand why at the time. A while back, I realized why God chose not to intervene in my M/Cs and I wrote about it in a blog called Revelation.
Here's Amy's response to that line of questioning, which I think is very thought provoking and I appreciate the time and effort Amy has put into responding to my question. If you're at all interested in the Lord or faith, you may want to read it.
A fellow blogger, Amy, has written a post in response to a question I posed to her a while back. It's about enduring hardships and the Lord and his plan for his followers, especially when we endure hardships. I personally do not think that bad stuff in life are caused by God, rather I think it is the devil that causes bad things to happen. I do think God has the ability to intervene though, and why he doesn't choose to intervene in certain instances, can be a mystery. I do believe that many times, God does not intervene because a person has not asked him to (or asked properly) and other times, when you've cried, begged and pleaded with God, He does not intervene for your own good, although we cannot understand why at the time. A while back, I realized why God chose not to intervene in my M/Cs and I wrote about it in a blog called Revelation.
Here's Amy's response to that line of questioning, which I think is very thought provoking and I appreciate the time and effort Amy has put into responding to my question. If you're at all interested in the Lord or faith, you may want to read it.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Temperature charting is for cavemen
One of the blogs I follow is called "infertility blog". Its author is Dr. Liccardi, an IF doctor at NYU. This blog is wonderful because he basically offers free general advice for anyone who leaves a comment on his blog and posts about various topics, all having to do with TTC or IF treatments. It ranges from the most mundane and general, to the most specific and complex. It was actually from reading this blog that I discovered that a uterus shape deformity can cause miscarriages. I learned about a bicornate and septate uterus. It was also after reading this blog that I asked my doctor for a test to see if I had any uterine abnormalities, and as you all know, I then discovered I had a septate uterus. So, in a sense, thank you Dr. Liccardi!
Anyways, today, I read his latest blog entry where he answered many questions posed to him in a general Q&A format style. One of the "answers" (to a question which was not provided) was the following two statements: "Temperature charting was good for the cave people. Please use a predictor kit."
It ressonated with me b/c I am a temperature charter and have gotten pregnant 2x (though I'm still child-less) using this "caveman" approach (guess you could call me lucky??). I have since resisted the temptation to use a OPK because I thought they were unnecessary in my case. However, I wonder if I am living in the caveman days? I wonder if I should move on into the 21st century and finally break down and buy an OPK? Maybe I'll consider it for next cycle.....
Of course, I'm operating in faith that i wont even have to worry b/c there wont be a next cycle. I think this is the last cycle I'll have in order to have a 2009 baby. I've been praying and praying that I'll have a beautiful healthy baby in 2009. I just need to stand on that promise.
Anyways, today, I read his latest blog entry where he answered many questions posed to him in a general Q&A format style. One of the "answers" (to a question which was not provided) was the following two statements: "Temperature charting was good for the cave people. Please use a predictor kit."
It ressonated with me b/c I am a temperature charter and have gotten pregnant 2x (though I'm still child-less) using this "caveman" approach (guess you could call me lucky??). I have since resisted the temptation to use a OPK because I thought they were unnecessary in my case. However, I wonder if I am living in the caveman days? I wonder if I should move on into the 21st century and finally break down and buy an OPK? Maybe I'll consider it for next cycle.....
Of course, I'm operating in faith that i wont even have to worry b/c there wont be a next cycle. I think this is the last cycle I'll have in order to have a 2009 baby. I've been praying and praying that I'll have a beautiful healthy baby in 2009. I just need to stand on that promise.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Revelation
This morning at 5:30 am, I had a revelation.
For a while now, I had been asking: why didn't God intervene to save my pregnancies? Why did I have to have two miscarriages in a row?
I received the answer this morning.
Let me preface this by saying that before this morning, I knew that God only allows us to experience that which we can handle. After going through my losses, I thought, "man, God sure must think I'm a strong woman to be able to handle two miscarriages in a row." Now I realize that God knew that that was about all the loss I could handle (because as all of you who have experienced loss or consecutive losses know, this is very very very tough). I realized that had I not gone through those losses, I would have not researched causes of miscarriage, I would not have discovered that the cause of miscarriages could sometimes be due to a mishaped uterus, I would not have asked my previous OB to allow me to have a HSG to check the shape of my uterus, I would not have discovered that I had a mishaped uterus (subseptate), I would not have had the surgery to correct it, I would not have met my new doctor, he would not have discovered that I had hyperplasia as well, and I would not have been prescribed BCPs to control and treat the hyperplasia and prevent its return.
I also realized that I would have and could have potentially went through more pregnancy loss and difficulty without all of the foregoing happening. I have a virtual friend, who is currently going through a very very very tough pregnancy. She has a septate uterus while being pregnant. Currently, her baby is developing normally, but there is and has always been (through her 18 weeks of pregnancy) a major concern over the welfare of the baby and her own health due to the condition of her uterus. There are problems with the way the baby is positioned, problems with the amount of amniotic fluid surrounding the baby, major concern as to how the baby will be able to continue to develop normally in the cramped environment, and the very real threat of a late term miscarriage or stillbirth. Her condition has already caused her to lose a prior pregnancy at 15 weeks. She has been on strict bedrest for weeks now. I have been praying for her ever since she got her BFP. She is courageously facing this journey. Her situation has allowed me to realize that had I not gone through my own journey, I could be in a similar situation. I would not be as courageous as her. God knew this. Hence, my own path has been different.
So, this morning, I now know why things happened the way they happened. I understand "why?". I know, God is good.
In other news: Less than 12 days till the big doctor's appointment! My new mantra is: "I believe I receive." I believe I received my healing. I believe I will receive great news from my doctor at that appointment that I can stop taking BCPs and will be able to start TTC. I believe that I will receive a BFP on my first cycle and a smooth and health pregnancy this year. I believe that I will receive the birth of our first child, healthy and beautiful, by the end of the year.
For a while now, I had been asking: why didn't God intervene to save my pregnancies? Why did I have to have two miscarriages in a row?
I received the answer this morning.
Let me preface this by saying that before this morning, I knew that God only allows us to experience that which we can handle. After going through my losses, I thought, "man, God sure must think I'm a strong woman to be able to handle two miscarriages in a row." Now I realize that God knew that that was about all the loss I could handle (because as all of you who have experienced loss or consecutive losses know, this is very very very tough). I realized that had I not gone through those losses, I would have not researched causes of miscarriage, I would not have discovered that the cause of miscarriages could sometimes be due to a mishaped uterus, I would not have asked my previous OB to allow me to have a HSG to check the shape of my uterus, I would not have discovered that I had a mishaped uterus (subseptate), I would not have had the surgery to correct it, I would not have met my new doctor, he would not have discovered that I had hyperplasia as well, and I would not have been prescribed BCPs to control and treat the hyperplasia and prevent its return.
I also realized that I would have and could have potentially went through more pregnancy loss and difficulty without all of the foregoing happening. I have a virtual friend, who is currently going through a very very very tough pregnancy. She has a septate uterus while being pregnant. Currently, her baby is developing normally, but there is and has always been (through her 18 weeks of pregnancy) a major concern over the welfare of the baby and her own health due to the condition of her uterus. There are problems with the way the baby is positioned, problems with the amount of amniotic fluid surrounding the baby, major concern as to how the baby will be able to continue to develop normally in the cramped environment, and the very real threat of a late term miscarriage or stillbirth. Her condition has already caused her to lose a prior pregnancy at 15 weeks. She has been on strict bedrest for weeks now. I have been praying for her ever since she got her BFP. She is courageously facing this journey. Her situation has allowed me to realize that had I not gone through my own journey, I could be in a similar situation. I would not be as courageous as her. God knew this. Hence, my own path has been different.
So, this morning, I now know why things happened the way they happened. I understand "why?". I know, God is good.
In other news: Less than 12 days till the big doctor's appointment! My new mantra is: "I believe I receive." I believe I received my healing. I believe I will receive great news from my doctor at that appointment that I can stop taking BCPs and will be able to start TTC. I believe that I will receive a BFP on my first cycle and a smooth and health pregnancy this year. I believe that I will receive the birth of our first child, healthy and beautiful, by the end of the year.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
just what i needed
It is 3 AM and I'm up and typing. I actually got up around 1 AM and still cannot sleep, so I decided to log on and check out what was going on with my virtual buddies. I must say, coming on here was very very uplifting. Thank you so much for all of your wonderful comments on my last blog. Yes, I'm still back home, and yes, I'm still surrounded by so many happy families, with newborns and infants and toddlers and am constantly reminded of what I do not have. But I'm getting through it. Again, my DH is working, so its just me, navigating the lonely path of IF by myself, with really no one to talk to about it except my bloggy friends....but God gave me strength (I think by nature, I'm a strong person), so I'm getting through it. I do think that the reason for my not sleeping right now is because of my heavy heart, but hey, I'm getting through it.
I was reading one of the many tremendous blogs that I follow (most of you probably know this one --- Stacy of He Will Carry Me - and she said something very helpful (along with all of your comments) about how God will never fail us and heals the brokenhearted, even if we dont actually see it happening. We just need to continue on and trust in Him, even with tears in our eyes. True faith is, even if we do not see, we must believe. (My paraphrasing isn't perfect, and I would have actually copied the portion of her post here, but she has placed a copy right on her blogs). These words were very helpful and I will hopefully try to get some sleep keeping these thoughts in mind.
This IF journey is difficult. All of you know it as all of us have been or are going through it. I need to keep in mind myself that, although we do not understand God's plans for us, and perhaps we dont even feel as if (or see) our prayers being answered.....we must believe that they are...for that it was it means to have faith.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
Ah well - here comes another day in the land filled with babies and pregnancies. Hope I can get some sleep till then.
I was reading one of the many tremendous blogs that I follow (most of you probably know this one --- Stacy of He Will Carry Me - and she said something very helpful (along with all of your comments) about how God will never fail us and heals the brokenhearted, even if we dont actually see it happening. We just need to continue on and trust in Him, even with tears in our eyes. True faith is, even if we do not see, we must believe. (My paraphrasing isn't perfect, and I would have actually copied the portion of her post here, but she has placed a copy right on her blogs). These words were very helpful and I will hopefully try to get some sleep keeping these thoughts in mind.
This IF journey is difficult. All of you know it as all of us have been or are going through it. I need to keep in mind myself that, although we do not understand God's plans for us, and perhaps we dont even feel as if (or see) our prayers being answered.....we must believe that they are...for that it was it means to have faith.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
Ah well - here comes another day in the land filled with babies and pregnancies. Hope I can get some sleep till then.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Faith Line
I know this can be a controversial issue, even for those that are followers of Jesus, so I'd just like to preface this post by saying that I respect everyone's beliefs and everyone is entitled to believe what they want. On to the post:
As I have said before, I subscribe to daily devotionals from the Kenneth Copeland website. I really enjoy it because it enables me to get a daily dose of the Word and encourages me when I feel down. Today's devotional was very applicable to my situation and my quest to become pregnant and become a mother (and I usually find most of them are). Today's devotional discussed a "faith line" and how we should step over that "faith line" to attain God's promise to us, even though all things natural in this world point to the contrary. I've been standing on faith that God will (and already has) answer my prayer request to become the mother of many children, including a request that my first born child be conceived and born full term this year. I'm also standing on faith that my request that I experience no more miscarriages and tha tmy womb will be perfect with no more hyperplasia will be granted and that I will be able to start TTC by the end of February. For that to happen, i need to get pregnant practically immediately after my February 13 appt. Now, I dont even know if I'll be given the green light to start TTC in February, but I'm operating on faith. Most of the time, I'm strong in my faith and believe that all will work out and that my prayers will be answered. However, there are moments, almost daily, where that faith waivers, and I think -- what if......(insert some bad thought here)? I think many of us go through the same struggle - optimistic one day, pessimistic and doubtful the next. I think it's human nature to worry, especially when we have been faced with such disapointment in the past. Well, I'm glad I get my daily devotional dose of the Word, to help me to continue to have faith and to believe in the power of the Lord.
with that said, here is the devotional recopied below. I hope that it inspires someone else like it does for me. (p.s. 37 more days till the BIG appt!)
In the years I've spent living by faith, there's something I've learned to do that helps me receive from God in the toughest of situations. It's something I call stepping over the faith line.
A faith line is what you need when you want God to do the "impossible" in your life. It's what you need when you want to be firm in your faith and yet you keep wavering back and forth between your circumstances and God's promises--believing first one, then the other.
It's what can make you like faithful Abraham. You know, Abraham had natural facts to deal with just like we do. He knew there was no natural way for God's promise to him to come true.
Yet the Word says Abraham considered not his own body. In other words, Abraham ignored the natural evidence around him and believed only God's promise.
Somewhere he stepped across the line of faith.
He made an irreversible decision to go with the Word of God. He made a final commitment. He chose to step past the point of no return. And if you and I are ever going to see God do the impossible in our lives, we're going to have to do the same thing!
How do you draw that faith line?
Begin with the Word. Search the promises of God and purposely believe what He has said, and is saying, about your need. Meditate on those promises until faith rises in your heart.
Then draw the line of faith. Draw it in your mind and heart. Draw it across the floor in your prayer room. Say, "In the presence of God, in the presence of all the angels in this room, and in the devils face, I am stepping across the line of faith. From this moment on, I consider this matter done. From this day forward, I give God the praise and the glory in the Name of Jesus.
From that moment on, speak only as if your miracle has already happened. Turn your back on the problems, on the doubts, and turn your face toward Jesus.
God will do the impossible in your life. Dare to step across the faith line!
Scripture Study: Romans 4:13-21
As I have said before, I subscribe to daily devotionals from the Kenneth Copeland website. I really enjoy it because it enables me to get a daily dose of the Word and encourages me when I feel down. Today's devotional was very applicable to my situation and my quest to become pregnant and become a mother (and I usually find most of them are). Today's devotional discussed a "faith line" and how we should step over that "faith line" to attain God's promise to us, even though all things natural in this world point to the contrary. I've been standing on faith that God will (and already has) answer my prayer request to become the mother of many children, including a request that my first born child be conceived and born full term this year. I'm also standing on faith that my request that I experience no more miscarriages and tha tmy womb will be perfect with no more hyperplasia will be granted and that I will be able to start TTC by the end of February. For that to happen, i need to get pregnant practically immediately after my February 13 appt. Now, I dont even know if I'll be given the green light to start TTC in February, but I'm operating on faith. Most of the time, I'm strong in my faith and believe that all will work out and that my prayers will be answered. However, there are moments, almost daily, where that faith waivers, and I think -- what if......(insert some bad thought here)? I think many of us go through the same struggle - optimistic one day, pessimistic and doubtful the next. I think it's human nature to worry, especially when we have been faced with such disapointment in the past. Well, I'm glad I get my daily devotional dose of the Word, to help me to continue to have faith and to believe in the power of the Lord.
with that said, here is the devotional recopied below. I hope that it inspires someone else like it does for me. (p.s. 37 more days till the BIG appt!)
In the years I've spent living by faith, there's something I've learned to do that helps me receive from God in the toughest of situations. It's something I call stepping over the faith line.
A faith line is what you need when you want God to do the "impossible" in your life. It's what you need when you want to be firm in your faith and yet you keep wavering back and forth between your circumstances and God's promises--believing first one, then the other.
It's what can make you like faithful Abraham. You know, Abraham had natural facts to deal with just like we do. He knew there was no natural way for God's promise to him to come true.
Yet the Word says Abraham considered not his own body. In other words, Abraham ignored the natural evidence around him and believed only God's promise.
Somewhere he stepped across the line of faith.
He made an irreversible decision to go with the Word of God. He made a final commitment. He chose to step past the point of no return. And if you and I are ever going to see God do the impossible in our lives, we're going to have to do the same thing!
How do you draw that faith line?
Begin with the Word. Search the promises of God and purposely believe what He has said, and is saying, about your need. Meditate on those promises until faith rises in your heart.
Then draw the line of faith. Draw it in your mind and heart. Draw it across the floor in your prayer room. Say, "In the presence of God, in the presence of all the angels in this room, and in the devils face, I am stepping across the line of faith. From this moment on, I consider this matter done. From this day forward, I give God the praise and the glory in the Name of Jesus.
From that moment on, speak only as if your miracle has already happened. Turn your back on the problems, on the doubts, and turn your face toward Jesus.
God will do the impossible in your life. Dare to step across the faith line!
Scripture Study: Romans 4:13-21
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Letter to God
Since last NYE, my friends have started a tradition where they each write a letter to the universe, discussing their goals, dreams, and wishes for the upcoming new year. Each person also picks a word that sums up these goals, dreams and wishes. Then the group gathers at a an eastern beach on our island to watch the sunrise on the first day of the new year where they will burn the letters.
I did not participate last year. However, in years past, I have picked words to represent my goal for that year. The year I got engaged, my word was "engaged" and the year I got married, my word was "marriage". Last year, I think my word was subconciously "baby," but I did not state it out loud. Baby-making was clearly the focus of most of 2008, but my goal was not reached. This year, I plan to participate in writing my letter and selecting a word. However, for obvious reasons, I'll be calling my letter, a letter to God. I will also select a word that represents my goals, but is not so obvious as "baby." Many of my circle of friends do not even know about the journey I have been on as of late. I will be sharing my letter to God here:
Dear God,
It's been a tough year for me in 2008. The beggining was great, but it went down hill. I know, it wasn't all bad, but losing two pregnancies was very very tough. By far, the most difficult thing I have ever had to endure. Those were some dark times. It is also extremely tough to be patient and wait three months before even beginning to TTC. I know that in the scheme of life, this time of waiting, these past six to nine months will seem like such a blur, but now, as I live these days, hourly, minute by minute, the time seems to drag by. I take my first placebo pill tomorrow on my first BCP pack. To me this marks the ending of my first month of waiting and indicates that I only have two more months to go. Hallelujah! One of the good things that happened this past year, my faith has grown the strongest it has ever been. I never knew of the power of the Word, and the promises you have made us. I never knew that:
the desires of my heart will be fulfilled and all we have to do to attain them is to delight in you (Psalm 37:4);
you have promised that the fruit of my womb will be blessed (Deutoronomy 28:4);
as long as I perservere and do your will, I will receive your promises (Hebrews 10:36);
you will settle me, a barren woman, in my home with happy children (Psalm 113:9);
if I remain in You and You remain in me, I can ask you for whatever I wish and it will be granted (John 15:7);
I should have faith in You and speak to that mountain (problem) and if I do not doubt in my heart, that which I have said will happen (Mark 11:22-23);
when I pray, I should believe that I have received it, and it will be mine (Mark 11: 24);
and when I pray, I should have no grudges and have forgiven everyone so that You will forgive me, (Mark 11:25); and
anything I ask for in Jesus' name, He will do it (John 14:13-14).
There is so much more that I have learned, and am learning every day. I am so very thankful for you Lord, for your love and your Son, Jesus. I prasie you for the wonderful blessings you have already given me. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and loving family. Our marriage has only grown stronger and I continue to be in awe in the love that we share. I am so very very blessed to have him in my life. Thank you Lord for my wonderful home in this beautiful place. This place is truly paradise and I am blessed to live here. Thank you Lord for my great job. It allows me to fulfill my need for intellect as well as maintain a lifestyle apart from work. It also pays the bills and allows us some financial freedom. Thank you Lord for my good friends. They are such a blessing, each a strong woman with unique characteristics. Together, we combine our gifts to make an awesome support group. Thank you Lord for my health. I appreciate that each day I can get up and move about and not worry about pain. I love being able to exercise and take joy in the simple pleasure of a work out.
And Lord, I also praise you for the blessings you are bestowing upon me now and in the next year. Thank you for helping me to discover the cause for my miscarriages and for allowing me an opportunity to correct it. I thank you for preventing any scarring in my uterus from the surgery, so that we will have no problems getting pregnant immediately when we begin TTC again next year. I thank you for the diagnosis and treatment of the hyperplasia and for preventing its return come February when we test for it again. I look forward to a positive report from my doctor and the green light to start TTC in late February and early March 2009. I also thank you for my third BFP and for blessing me with the pregnancy of our soon to be first born child in this coming new year. As you already know Lord, I want to become a mother in 2009. I want to make my husband a father. I look forward to spending the holidays with a beautiful, healthy and perfect little baby in our arms or in my womb next year. I also look forward to continuing to grow in faith and in Your love. I will continue to strive to do Your will.
In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.
My word for 2009 is "Creation." First and foremost, because the definition is to "cause to exist" and for obvious reasons, I'd like to procreate with my DH to cause the existence of our first born child. I'd also like to create an environment for a family that will grow closer to God. I'd also like to create the perfect work/life balance.
I did not participate last year. However, in years past, I have picked words to represent my goal for that year. The year I got engaged, my word was "engaged" and the year I got married, my word was "marriage". Last year, I think my word was subconciously "baby," but I did not state it out loud. Baby-making was clearly the focus of most of 2008, but my goal was not reached. This year, I plan to participate in writing my letter and selecting a word. However, for obvious reasons, I'll be calling my letter, a letter to God. I will also select a word that represents my goals, but is not so obvious as "baby." Many of my circle of friends do not even know about the journey I have been on as of late. I will be sharing my letter to God here:
Dear God,
It's been a tough year for me in 2008. The beggining was great, but it went down hill. I know, it wasn't all bad, but losing two pregnancies was very very tough. By far, the most difficult thing I have ever had to endure. Those were some dark times. It is also extremely tough to be patient and wait three months before even beginning to TTC. I know that in the scheme of life, this time of waiting, these past six to nine months will seem like such a blur, but now, as I live these days, hourly, minute by minute, the time seems to drag by. I take my first placebo pill tomorrow on my first BCP pack. To me this marks the ending of my first month of waiting and indicates that I only have two more months to go. Hallelujah! One of the good things that happened this past year, my faith has grown the strongest it has ever been. I never knew of the power of the Word, and the promises you have made us. I never knew that:
the desires of my heart will be fulfilled and all we have to do to attain them is to delight in you (Psalm 37:4);
you have promised that the fruit of my womb will be blessed (Deutoronomy 28:4);
as long as I perservere and do your will, I will receive your promises (Hebrews 10:36);
you will settle me, a barren woman, in my home with happy children (Psalm 113:9);
if I remain in You and You remain in me, I can ask you for whatever I wish and it will be granted (John 15:7);
I should have faith in You and speak to that mountain (problem) and if I do not doubt in my heart, that which I have said will happen (Mark 11:22-23);
when I pray, I should believe that I have received it, and it will be mine (Mark 11: 24);
and when I pray, I should have no grudges and have forgiven everyone so that You will forgive me, (Mark 11:25); and
anything I ask for in Jesus' name, He will do it (John 14:13-14).
There is so much more that I have learned, and am learning every day. I am so very thankful for you Lord, for your love and your Son, Jesus. I prasie you for the wonderful blessings you have already given me. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and loving family. Our marriage has only grown stronger and I continue to be in awe in the love that we share. I am so very very blessed to have him in my life. Thank you Lord for my wonderful home in this beautiful place. This place is truly paradise and I am blessed to live here. Thank you Lord for my great job. It allows me to fulfill my need for intellect as well as maintain a lifestyle apart from work. It also pays the bills and allows us some financial freedom. Thank you Lord for my good friends. They are such a blessing, each a strong woman with unique characteristics. Together, we combine our gifts to make an awesome support group. Thank you Lord for my health. I appreciate that each day I can get up and move about and not worry about pain. I love being able to exercise and take joy in the simple pleasure of a work out.
And Lord, I also praise you for the blessings you are bestowing upon me now and in the next year. Thank you for helping me to discover the cause for my miscarriages and for allowing me an opportunity to correct it. I thank you for preventing any scarring in my uterus from the surgery, so that we will have no problems getting pregnant immediately when we begin TTC again next year. I thank you for the diagnosis and treatment of the hyperplasia and for preventing its return come February when we test for it again. I look forward to a positive report from my doctor and the green light to start TTC in late February and early March 2009. I also thank you for my third BFP and for blessing me with the pregnancy of our soon to be first born child in this coming new year. As you already know Lord, I want to become a mother in 2009. I want to make my husband a father. I look forward to spending the holidays with a beautiful, healthy and perfect little baby in our arms or in my womb next year. I also look forward to continuing to grow in faith and in Your love. I will continue to strive to do Your will.
In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.
My word for 2009 is "Creation." First and foremost, because the definition is to "cause to exist" and for obvious reasons, I'd like to procreate with my DH to cause the existence of our first born child. I'd also like to create an environment for a family that will grow closer to God. I'd also like to create the perfect work/life balance.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Reflections
I was looking at my brother's e-Christmas card. It's a picture of my two nephews, ages 4 and 3, sitting on Santa's lap. They will be expecting my neice's arrival, in February 2009 (no need to remind you the same month as the due date of my first pregnancy). (Also no need to remind you that my brother is 1.5 years younger than me and unmarried to the mother of his children. They are in a stable relationship thankfully). It obviously goes, without saying, that my brother and his girlfriend have had no problems having children. You should also know that they are both working class citizens (hey nothing's wrong with that, I'm not knocking it at all). They do not have college degrees and are scraping by. My brother works two jobs to help make ends meet. They squeeze themselves in a tiny two bedroom cottage they rent. Obviously, my soon-to-be niece will be sharing their bedroom and the boys will get their own room. They are blessed because our grandparents, yes, the boys' great grandparents, are retired, and are able to care for the little ones when my brother and his girlfriend work. Our mother helps out too, but she has not yet retired and is doing what she can. Overall, we have a great family, so the children go without want. Sadly however, my brother and his girlfriend do not have much time off together. Their "big" family vacation consists of a short trip to a neighboring island. And that's it.
I share all of this because as I was sitting here, looking at their christmas card picture, I wondered - are they satisfied with their lives? Are they happy? I hope so. They have two and a half darling children, but work their butts off just to live. Here, DH and I live in a fairly lavish 3 bedroom townhome, and have two empty rooms. (No, we dont live on the same island as my brother, so are not able to allow them some free board). DH and I have these plush jobs, and can take exotic trips yearly. However, we do not have what we so dearly want -- children. Can you tell me, which sibling has it better? I do not know....nor would I ever want to actually compare myself to my brother. We both have our blessings, though in different ways. I just wanted to share it with the blog world....it may look like I have it all, but my brother, has what I want. Good for him.
My turn will come next year!!!! As my Bible teacher told me today, I must "speak to that mountain.!" So here I go: "Self, you will get pregnant with a healthy beautiful baby next year, and you will give birth to that healthy beautiful baby by the end of 2009. Uterus and body, you will be healthy and perfect for this little baby, and you will not give me any complications. So, it shall be, as God has promised."
I share all of this because as I was sitting here, looking at their christmas card picture, I wondered - are they satisfied with their lives? Are they happy? I hope so. They have two and a half darling children, but work their butts off just to live. Here, DH and I live in a fairly lavish 3 bedroom townhome, and have two empty rooms. (No, we dont live on the same island as my brother, so are not able to allow them some free board). DH and I have these plush jobs, and can take exotic trips yearly. However, we do not have what we so dearly want -- children. Can you tell me, which sibling has it better? I do not know....nor would I ever want to actually compare myself to my brother. We both have our blessings, though in different ways. I just wanted to share it with the blog world....it may look like I have it all, but my brother, has what I want. Good for him.
My turn will come next year!!!! As my Bible teacher told me today, I must "speak to that mountain.!" So here I go: "Self, you will get pregnant with a healthy beautiful baby next year, and you will give birth to that healthy beautiful baby by the end of 2009. Uterus and body, you will be healthy and perfect for this little baby, and you will not give me any complications. So, it shall be, as God has promised."
Monday, December 22, 2008
The countdown begins
To make myself feel a little better, I've begun a countdown ticker to the supposed first day we could start TTC (CD1) which I'm estimating is the first or second day I take the placebo pills in my 3rd pack of BCPs. Right now the countdown ticker says it's just 2 months and four days from now! (It's on the left hand side of my blog). That seems a LOT less time to wait than saying I have to wait three months or until March 2009. (I know, I may actually have to wait a bit more to actually get to TTC because I will likely have a biopsy in late February and perhaps have to wait a bit afterwards to let the old ute heal, but since that date is not set, I'm sticking with what I've got.)
2 months and four days - imagine what could happen in that amount of time. Some of you will have gone through two cycles and perhaps have your BFP by then. We will have a new president. My newest niece will have been born and the due date of my first pregnancy will have passed (Feb. 19, 2009). I was a little freaked at the thought of not being pregnant during this date, but I'm not freaked anymore. It is what it is, and there is nothing I can do to change it.
The due date of my second pregrancy is April 19, 2009. Will I have my BFP by then? Who knows? All I know is that I have been praying every day to become blessed with the birth of our first child in 2009. I have high hopes set on this year. I have even come up with a rhyme - 2007 was like heaven (marriage, house, dog), 2008 not so great (2 mcs), 2009 will be divine. So here's to the countdown to a new year and a new fork in the road of my path to motherhood.
I know I have high expectations for the next year, as we all do. I know I may be disappointed. And previously, I would refrain from setting up such expectations, so that should they not come true, I wont have so far to fall. But I'm fully invested in this expectation. I've become a new person and am walking by faith, not by sight. The Lord has promised me that my fruit will be blessed. I'm continuing to stand on this promise. In two months and four days, we will be on our way to becoming parents.
2 months and four days - imagine what could happen in that amount of time. Some of you will have gone through two cycles and perhaps have your BFP by then. We will have a new president. My newest niece will have been born and the due date of my first pregnancy will have passed (Feb. 19, 2009). I was a little freaked at the thought of not being pregnant during this date, but I'm not freaked anymore. It is what it is, and there is nothing I can do to change it.
The due date of my second pregrancy is April 19, 2009. Will I have my BFP by then? Who knows? All I know is that I have been praying every day to become blessed with the birth of our first child in 2009. I have high hopes set on this year. I have even come up with a rhyme - 2007 was like heaven (marriage, house, dog), 2008 not so great (2 mcs), 2009 will be divine. So here's to the countdown to a new year and a new fork in the road of my path to motherhood.
I know I have high expectations for the next year, as we all do. I know I may be disappointed. And previously, I would refrain from setting up such expectations, so that should they not come true, I wont have so far to fall. But I'm fully invested in this expectation. I've become a new person and am walking by faith, not by sight. The Lord has promised me that my fruit will be blessed. I'm continuing to stand on this promise. In two months and four days, we will be on our way to becoming parents.
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