Christmas Day

It was a great Christmas Day! My entire family spent it at one of my uncle's beatiful homes up in the mountains. When I say entire, I mean both mom and dad, and yes, they are divorced (my family is good like that....). My maternal grandparents. My mom's long time boyfriend, and many many of my aunties, uncles, and cousins, along with their children. My brother, his girlfriend and their children. It was awesome. The only one missing was my DH who had to work, so he could not be there.

We had lots of food and lots of laughs. See, I love my family, and greatly enjoy my time with them. Sadly though, this Christmas was difficult for me. I kept it hidden well, and no one knew. But I was greatly wishing I had my own little family to be with me. See, I was the oldest grandchild there. However, I do not have any children. My brother, and two of my cousins, all younger than myself, all have little ones running around. So of course, my parents, and aunties and uncles are now proud grandparents. I am very happy for all of them and their families, but somehow, I felt a little out of place. I felt like I didn't belong. I didn't have a little one to fuss over, who was crying, or who needed to be fed, or who needed to be reminded not to throw rocks or to be careful when running. I didn't get to bond and share in the stories over how little so and so got this for Christmas, or how we had to hide the toys so little so and so wouldn't find it before Christmas. Before, I would have never been phased to not be a part of the "parental group", because before, I had been not-a-parent by choice. Now, I have had two losses and so desparately want to be a parent. I now know what it's like to go through the holidays, alone, and childless not by choice.

I know was not truly alone. I felt alone in my head, and I know it is all a product of my own grim thinking. I am never truly alone because I know I have a wonderful family who cares for me, and I have a wonderful husband who is working hard for me. I also have a loving Lord who is with me always. He will grant me the desires of my heart. I do not want to spend another childless Christmas not by choice ever again. This Christmas, though perfect as usual, was slightly marred by the sadness of an empty womb and my empty arms. Not for long if I can help it................TWO MORE MONTHS until we can start TTC!