Friend's MC

I just heard about a friend's MC. she was 18 weeks along when she lost her son.  this brings back vivid memories of the pain.  i want to take hers away. thinking of things that will be of comfort to her.

Breasfeeding nostolgia

I'm planning on weaning Ho'ea from breast feeding and have just started the process today.  He is only 9 months old. I'm doing it earlier than usual because in a little over 1 month, I will be going on a 4 day trip without him for a hula competition and I know that I will not have the time (or the desire) to be pumping every three hours while away.  Not to mention, he is very dependent upon the breast at night, and to help alleviate the stress on his sitter (my mom), it would be best if he was already weaned before then.

BUT, I'm feeling very sad and reluctant that I'm going to be stopping the breast feeding.  Granted, there will be many benefits to stopping, all of which I'm looking forward to, but I can't help but feel sad that this will likely be the last time I'll be breast feeding....ever.  I don't think we have it in us to have another baby.  Our hands are so full with the two boys, I could not imagine another one.  Neither could we financially afford it as well.  So with that said, Ho'ea will very likely be our last.  And everything I do with him, will be...the last time...sigh.

Do I have a lifetime of nostolgia associated with all of Ho'ea's milestones to look forward to? (the last child to breast feed, the last child to go to school, the last child to graduate, the last child to go to college...etc.).

Haven't posted in a photo in a while.  Here is a picture of the boys, taken yesterday, Ho'ea age 9 mos. and Kaua age 2 (almost 2.5).  We celebrated DH's birthday by staying at a hotel that had a really cool kids pool area.  The kids had sooo much fun!

Lonely

Wow, it's been over a month since I last blogged, maybe even 2 months! Ho'ea is now 4 months old, and Kaua is 2! Here are pictures of the two brothers.

I'm writing because I'm feeling a little sorry for myself, and needing a place or outlet to vent. (Commencing pity party...)

Ever since moving back to my hometown with my hubby, we've had a difficult time adjusting. Part of it was because we had a baby (now we have 2) and were adjusting to being parents and not putting our wants first, but a very large part of it was because we left most (if not all) of our friends. I thought that in time, we would make new friends, or re-acquaint with old friends, and continue to lead the very active social life that we left behind. But here we are, going on 2 years now, and we have not yet found friends like we had or reconnvened a full social calendar like we used to have.

I'm not sure if it's because we are parents now and we just haven't had the opportunities to make friends, or if its myself and my husband that are some how inadequate, or if its because this place is a small town and people have already established their groups and dont need "extra" friends. A lot of the friends I had in high school are still here, and we do get together on occasion, but social events are extremely few and far between, and many of my friends are in different stages of their lives (ie. they had children much younger than we did, so they're doing sporting events etc with their pre-adolescent/teen kids) so we have not a lot of ground to connect with or bond over.

Anyways, hubby and I just have not quite gotten into our groove socially. Our social activities primarily revolve around events with my family, and while these are often and usually fun, we still miss our own "adult" time. There are times when even my family has their own things going on, and on nights like tonight, when DH is away at work, it's just me and the boys. As I type right now, I'm enjoying my 2nd beer while my 2 year old, Kaua, watches xmas cartoons and my 4 month old, Ho'ea sleeps. It's quite nice, actually, with my xmas tree and lights going, but I do miss having someone to hang with that is an adult once in a while.

I'm not sure if things would be drastically different if we hadn't moved, (meaning our social lives still would have probably declined due to kid obligations), but I do know that we both had several groups of friends who were also having children the same time that we did, so it would have been nice to have these friends to "commiserate" with, socialize with, etc.

Anyways, I'm not sure if there is an answer to this post. I do know that each of us are our own masters of our happiness, and if something isn't making us happy, then we should go out and do something about it...and I'm actually trying to do just that..(ie. joining an activity group)....I'm just not sure if I'm seeing any results. (I do admit that I am sort of quiet and shy at my chosen activity group -- hula-- but only because I'm not quite the most talented hula dancer, and so I find that my insecurity in dancing transcends into having a shy personna as well.)

With that being said, I wonder if all parents find the adjustmet from constant social outings to stay-at-home mommy/daddy a bit lonely, or if what I'm feeling is more unique, especially since my motherhood came just 2 weeks prior to a large move?

38 weeks

I'm 38 weeks 2 days today. I just had my PNA and sadly, I'm just 1 cm dilated and very little, if at all, effacement. I saw Nurse Wonderful again today and she said she thinks I'm going to give birth close to (or after) my due date. =( I'm surprised at how devastated I am by this news. I think part of it is because a friend of mine, who was due just 4 days prior to me, just gave birth on Sunday. (Her water broke a little, so they started her on pitocin). That gave me hope that my time would come soon...but she was dilated for 2 cm for a while already. I just started dilating, and the way Nurse Wonderful said it, it sounded like I was 1 cm at best. =(

The good news is I gained back the 5 lbs I lost over the past few weeks. So I've been given the green light to be able to exercise again. not sure what kind of exercise I'll be doing, but probably lotsa walking and of course - s.e.x. - as DH and I try to speed this little guy's arrival along.

I also now know what a contraction feels like because when NP Wonderful was in there, she massaged the cervix a little to try to get it to soften/open up. The cramping that I felt during this was what she said I could expect to feel when I have contractions. I now know that the BH that I though I was having were not BH, but instead just baby boy, sticking his body out, making my tummy feel hard. that explains why I'm not very dilated at this point despite the "BH" I thought I'd been having daily. lol. Ah well, at least now I know.

So how am I feeling at 38 weeks? Heavy and sore and uncomfortable. Walking hurts. Moving my right leg at all, hurts (even to put on clothes, get out of bed, standing up from a sitting position, everything!) My feet are tired. My body feels tired. My brain feels tired. I think a lot of this has to do with not only being 38 and a half weeks pregnant, but also the heavy work load I've been enduring for the past 3 weeks, coupled with the house in escrow and all the paperwork and deadlines I'm having to go through associated with that, plus having a part-time DH (since he's gone 3-4 days of the week) and also living with my MIL. It's just too much for me.

I know, I'm throwing myself a pity party. I'll perk up b/c my mom comes into town tomorrow night until Sunday night! Yippee!! (Not sure how this is going to work with MIL visiting since we only have one guest bed. I have a feeling MIL will stay with other relatives while my mom is in town...but I haven't exactly spoken with her about it.)

And last, but certainly not least - here's my 38 week belly photo:



I forgot to measure myself!!! Not to worry, I'll probably have a 39 week belly photo to measure myself with. Ok, pity party B MoM over and out!

DH is moving...

sniff, sniff*

I just booked DH's flight to ......away. He's trasferring fire departments which requires a move. I'll eventually move to be with him, but that wont be until after the firecracker is born and after we sell our house. So it'll likely be next spring sometime.

He'll be leaving next week Monday at 2:30pm. It's really not a huge deal b/c I'll be going to see him that following weekend, then he'll be flying back to see me the weekend afterwards. And we'll probably do a lot of the flying back and forth thing as long as our finances can allow it. But it's still so sad. My DH will no longer be a full time resident in our town. He'll be a parttime resident. He's staying with my family in my original home town, so ultimately the sacrifice is worth it b/c it's what I wanted...to move back home and raise our children there among my family.

but I just never knew of the sacrifices we'd have to make (though be it small in the scheme of things) to get there. DH is moving away. We'll do the "commuting" thing. He's taking a big pay cut for the first year...and we'll have to sell our house for a loss. =( (Though I'm praying to God that it wont be for a loss, and heck, God does work miracles as long as I believe). And I'll have to find a new job, which is scary since the job I have now is with a really really great company. The exciting thing is eventually we get to look for a new home, one where hopefully we wont be stretched to the limits in finances like we are now with this home.

The other really sad thing is that along with DH, he'll be taking our 2 year old american bulldog. It's a good idea, since our doggy is such a big dog that I cant walk him for fear of falling (when he sees another dog that sets him off, he gets crazy and tuggy and I have a hard time controlling him, even with a super duper heavy duty choker chain collar). I love our doggy, and he requires a lot of attention and exercise to match his high energy, so he's much better off with DH and my family where he'll have daily attention from my nephews. But the sad thing is, I'll be all alone in my little home without DH or a doggie. =( sigh.

It's only temporary. I keep telling myself that. But still, it's hard to be away from your best friend. At least I'll have little Kaua here with me and in me to keep me company. I hope Kaua gives us lotsa warning for when he's going to come so we can make arrangements for DH to be home when I go into labor. I will, however, have backup friends whom I'll be able to call should I need a ride to the hospital and DH's not here. Yikes!

I took a 25 week belly picture on Sunday, but need to post it. Only 3 more days and then I'll be in the 2 digit day count down (less than 100 days) till my due date! Crazy!

4th of July

Well, I made it! We're 18 weeks pregnant today! Just two more weeks till the halfway point!

And although I tried not to dwell on it, yesterday was the one year anniversary of my first MC. On the 4th of July, last year, it was just a few days after I had found out I was pregnant for the first time ever in my life, and the first time I MC. I remember it painfully clearly. DH and I had plans to go out with some friends to a fair later that day to celebrate the 4th of July. It was about 9am in the morning and I was just lying on the couch, when I felt wetness between my legs down there. I touched it and looked and saw blood. I went to the bathroom and wiped, and sure enough, bright red blood. My heart sank, and I showed DH. We called the advice nurse and they told me to take it easy, put my feet up and to come in to the emergency room if the bleeding got really heavy (like filling a pad in more than 1 hour). We called off our 4th of July plans, and decided to stay home. We both were terrified. I bled throughout the day, but it wasn't really bad. It was more just like a period, except we both knew it was a miscarriage. We waited the next day, a Saturday (when our clinic was open) and went in. The doctor (who eventually became my current Dr. M) confirmed it. I had miscarried. He also stated that my cervix was closed and hard, indicating that I hadn't been that far along and the miscarriage was likely already over. (I estimate I was only about 5.5 weeks pregnant). I wouldn't even have known I was pregnant and would have just thought my period was late by a week or two if I hadn't taken a pregnancy test. This was so devastating, because we had told everyone when I was pregnant, and now had to untell everyone. It was awful.

So needless to say, yesterday was a little daunting for me. We had plans to hang out with the same group of friends at the beach yesterday. On our drive over, I mentioned it to my DH - the fact that it was a year ago since our first MC, and he scolded me for thinking negative and said he remembered himself. We were both a little saddened, but decided not to let it get to us. We have a healthy little boy growing in my belly, and that's all we were focused on.

Well yesterday, the 4th of July, 2009, went off without a hitch. Well, I did start noticing some of the aches that comes along in pregnancy when staying out all day and evening at the beach to watch the fireworks, but it's still bearable. DH had suggested I bring a blanket and pillow to lie out, and I thought I'd be fine, but as the day wore on I realized he was right. Luckily, we have friends who have a baby girl (born Dec. 11, 2008) who brought all the amenities (pillows, blankets, cot, mattress), so I was able to relax using their stuff. DH and I both commented to ourselves that by this time next year, we'll have a little six month old of our own, just like they did! Crazy!

Well, we made it - we got through the 4th of July and our little firecracker's heart is still beating away. (Or so I'm assuming and relying on by faith, since I dont actually have a doppler to check). But I think I felt him move a little yesterday and today, so we're all good. Just a little over 1 week and a half till our next PNA where we'll get to hear the firecracker's heartbeat again. My friend who has the 6 month old daughter said she first started feeling her daughter's movements at 19 weeks, so I've got about a week or two more to go before I should start really feeling him. I even think I wont be feeling real noticeable movements till weeks 22-24. Can't wait. =)

And here's a parting photo of my 18 week belly. I'm really starting to look pregnant and people who dont know are asking how far along I am (but only when I wear tight fitting tops, they cant tell if I wear loose tops). I consider these people brave, b/c really, what if I was just gaining a ton of weight?? (Which I swear I am, my butt and thighs cant fit into anything!!)
36 inches!

Bad News

Just got a call from the doctor.

Got our results back from Quad screening test.

Normal results for my age is 1 in 714.

My results: 1 in 77.

This may not mean anything. We are just at an increased risk for baby with birth defects for someone at my age. Many factors can cause such a result.

Will find out more at upcoming ultrasound on July 7. (ie. whether we need to do an amniocentises, if the perinatologist finds any birth defects etc.).

I'm blessed. This baby is blessed. This baby will be Healthy.

I'm shocked.

Will update more when I know more.

Looks like I'm cancelling a gender reveal party....

*** edit, the BIG u/s appt has been moved up to next week Tuesday, 6/23. So we'll find out more then. I'm reading a lot (online) about people having false positives (told they had high risks, only to have a healthy baby), so that's buoying my hope. I know I need to rely on the Lord. I'll keep you all posted, and thanks for your concern. =)

Tugging at my heart strings

I spent the entire day with my newest niece. 2 month old Saydie. She is adorable (aren't they all?) The whole time I'm with her, carrying her and feeding her, I'm thinking...I wish this were my child. I even looked in the mirror, to see how I'd look. I think I'd look like a natural (well as natural as a new mother would look).

The pangs of wanting to be a mother are growing stronger. It tugs at my heart strings. Last night I cried at a family party (in secret), when my brother made rude comments to me about him having three kids (yes, my niece is his 3rd child and yes, he's my younger brother) and how he's so tired and I wouldn't understand what its like until I had my own kids. He said this when I woke him up from sleeping on the table after drinking too much alcohol. Those comments cut into me deep. Luckily, my husband was there and he was my rock (as usual). He let me cry on his shoulder and hugged me and made me feel better. He said that my brother is blaming his life and its difficulties on the fact that he his three kids; and when we have our own children, we'd never blame our difficulties on our children. At the time, that made me feel a lot better. While I'm close with my brother, we're not close enough where I'd feel comfortable talking to him about my childbearing difficulties (but he does know about my 2 prior MCs) and how his comments hurt me. He may know though, because when my husband and I walked back into the party, my brother had left for the night (either he knew he upset me or he realized he was so drunk that it was time to go home).

It's horrible, this internal struggle I have about not having any children, even though we so desparately want one and being around people (my family) who have absolutely no problem having children. I love my family so much, but sometimes, it's so difficult to see them all rearing their own children, while I'm still childless. I'm so ready to have my own children. I'm ready to be a mom.

I go back to my hometown this evening....back to work where my co-worker will announce her new pregnancy to the office. Oh goodie.

On the TTC front: I didn't take my temperature this morning. (Woke up too late). I am 11 DPO and have no idea if my temps stayed low or not. I dont feel any pregnancy symptoms though and with that big temp drop, usually, this means that AF is on her way..... I should see AF on Tuesday.

day of remembrance????

so, i didn't want to make a big deal and i still dont. Some do, and i respect that and get it. For me, it's just not my thing. It's too sad to really think about it and really celebrate it...so other than this teeny tiny blog post...that's all that's going to be said about it.

Today was the due date for the baby i lost in my first miscarriage.

That's all.

Bittersweet

Today is bittersweet. My newest niece is born. She was born last night at 10:55pm. She is 9lbs.5oz, and 20 inches long. She has a headfull of hair. She looks like her two older brothers. My brother is a proud daddy of a litle girl. My mom is a proud grandma of her first granddaughter. I'm a proud aunt of my first niece.

I'm so happy for them.

When's my turn?

just what i needed

It is 3 AM and I'm up and typing. I actually got up around 1 AM and still cannot sleep, so I decided to log on and check out what was going on with my virtual buddies. I must say, coming on here was very very uplifting. Thank you so much for all of your wonderful comments on my last blog. Yes, I'm still back home, and yes, I'm still surrounded by so many happy families, with newborns and infants and toddlers and am constantly reminded of what I do not have. But I'm getting through it. Again, my DH is working, so its just me, navigating the lonely path of IF by myself, with really no one to talk to about it except my bloggy friends....but God gave me strength (I think by nature, I'm a strong person), so I'm getting through it. I do think that the reason for my not sleeping right now is because of my heavy heart, but hey, I'm getting through it.

I was reading one of the many tremendous blogs that I follow (most of you probably know this one --- Stacy of He Will Carry Me - and she said something very helpful (along with all of your comments) about how God will never fail us and heals the brokenhearted, even if we dont actually see it happening. We just need to continue on and trust in Him, even with tears in our eyes. True faith is, even if we do not see, we must believe. (My paraphrasing isn't perfect, and I would have actually copied the portion of her post here, but she has placed a copy right on her blogs). These words were very helpful and I will hopefully try to get some sleep keeping these thoughts in mind.

This IF journey is difficult. All of you know it as all of us have been or are going through it. I need to keep in mind myself that, although we do not understand God's plans for us, and perhaps we dont even feel as if (or see) our prayers being answered.....we must believe that they are...for that it was it means to have faith.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Ah well - here comes another day in the land filled with babies and pregnancies. Hope I can get some sleep till then.

i'm so ready to be pregnant

Today, i'm having a little tough spell.....i'm so envious of people who have gotten their bfps or are on their way to becoming a mom soon and so down about my own situation. i'm surrounded by people, both virtual and real life, who are pregnant. my brother is expecting his youngest child to be born this weekend. it is the same weekend as the 5th birthday party for his oldest child. of course i'll be in attendance to help out. and my nephew is very important to me. however, i'm just sooooo sooooooo sad that i dont even have one child, or even a pregnancy to show, while my brother is expecting his 3rd child to be born. i'm also attending the 1st year birthday party for one of my cousin's daughters this weekend. She also has a second daughter (born less than one year after her first daughter). And finally, I'm attending the funeral of one of my best friend's father. My best friend has two children and is expecting her third in June. It's amazing. there are babies everywhere...even here, in IF land (thank God for that though). And yet, here I am, still not pregnant and not even able to try. i'm prepared to be bombarded ith questions of - "so when are you going to have kids" and the awkward response I'll have to come up with. they change frequently, depending on my mood and who is asking -- usually the response is "i dont know, soon perhaps". but inside, I sigh a little and am wistful that soon I wont have to say that and will instead be able to say my due date.

February 13 cannot get here fast enough. I'm so ready to start TTC. I'm so ready to be pregnant. I'm so ready to be a mom. =(

My heart is heavy.

Christmas Day

It was a great Christmas Day! My entire family spent it at one of my uncle's beatiful homes up in the mountains. When I say entire, I mean both mom and dad, and yes, they are divorced (my family is good like that....). My maternal grandparents. My mom's long time boyfriend, and many many of my aunties, uncles, and cousins, along with their children. My brother, his girlfriend and their children. It was awesome. The only one missing was my DH who had to work, so he could not be there.

We had lots of food and lots of laughs. See, I love my family, and greatly enjoy my time with them. Sadly though, this Christmas was difficult for me. I kept it hidden well, and no one knew. But I was greatly wishing I had my own little family to be with me. See, I was the oldest grandchild there. However, I do not have any children. My brother, and two of my cousins, all younger than myself, all have little ones running around. So of course, my parents, and aunties and uncles are now proud grandparents. I am very happy for all of them and their families, but somehow, I felt a little out of place. I felt like I didn't belong. I didn't have a little one to fuss over, who was crying, or who needed to be fed, or who needed to be reminded not to throw rocks or to be careful when running. I didn't get to bond and share in the stories over how little so and so got this for Christmas, or how we had to hide the toys so little so and so wouldn't find it before Christmas. Before, I would have never been phased to not be a part of the "parental group", because before, I had been not-a-parent by choice. Now, I have had two losses and so desparately want to be a parent. I now know what it's like to go through the holidays, alone, and childless not by choice.

I know was not truly alone. I felt alone in my head, and I know it is all a product of my own grim thinking. I am never truly alone because I know I have a wonderful family who cares for me, and I have a wonderful husband who is working hard for me. I also have a loving Lord who is with me always. He will grant me the desires of my heart. I do not want to spend another childless Christmas not by choice ever again. This Christmas, though perfect as usual, was slightly marred by the sadness of an empty womb and my empty arms. Not for long if I can help it................TWO MORE MONTHS until we can start TTC!