And the "rule-followers" have it.

Thank you so much for your advice, wise words, and tell it to me straight approach. I, myself, am a tell-it-to-ya-straight kinda gal, so I appreciate when others do the same with me.

Yes, I will follow the rules. I will begin the 3rd and final pack of BCPs as instructed and will continue taking the pills until my Feb. 13th appt. and until I receive the positive report that my hyperplasia is gone. You are all right...it's not worth it to mess around with my health and the doctor's orders, and a few extra weeks isn't a big deal in the scheme of things; especially in comparison to the 7-8 months that I have been waiting since my last BFP and mc.

And I did call the doc which helped me to finalize my decision. He instructed me to start the 3rd pack and said if I wanted, I could stop taking the pills after we get the lab results back that says the hyperplasia is gone.

(This will be the next decision I'll need to make: whether I should 1) stop the pill mid pack and potentially try to catch the eggie that month but likely messing up my cycle and essentially leaving me in the dark about when I O or when AF will come , or 2)finishing out the pack and knowing when AF will come, and thus ensuring that I know when I will O the following month. But I'll cross that bridge when I get there -- and feel free to provide any suggestions or input if ya want.)

For now, I will start the 3rd pack. Thank you all for your input. And as my ticker says - 16 more days till the appointment.

decisions

I've been wrestling with a decision for the last few days. As you all know, I have been prescribed three months of BCPs to treat or prevent the return of hyperplasia. I have a huge appointment on February 13, to check my uterus lining (essentially a biopsy) to see if the hyperplasia is gone. On February 13 I will be on the 9th pill of my 3rd BCP pack. If the Feb. 13 lab results (which probably will come in that day or the very next) show that my hyperplasia is gone, I will be given the green light to start TTC !!!

So I've been thinking - what if I dont start the 3rd BCP pack at all? If do not start my 3rd pack and if I am given the green light on February 13 to start TTC, I'll likely be on CD 8 or 9 that day. Pre-MCs, I normally ovulated on CD 21-23, which will give me a little over 1-2 weeks to let my uterus heal from the biopsy (I'm sure my doc will recommend pelvic rest for 2 weeks), before I need to start BDing to catch the egg.

So, skipping my 3rd BCP pack will mean that I can actually start TTC in February to see a March BFP. If I dont skip the 3rd BCP pack, I'll have to start TTC in March, (both if I continue out the BCP pack or if I stop taking the BCPs midcycle b/c it'll throw my cycle off by brining on an early AF).

Some people have suggested to call the doctor and see what he thinks. Of course, the doc initially prescribed 3 months of BCPs, so I'm sure what he's going to say is to continue with the 3rd BCP pack. Part of me thinks I should follow the doctor's orders, b/c I dont want to mess around with hyperplasia, and if the doc said 3 months of BCPs will do the trick, then 3 months it should be. But another part of me (the largest part) is so so so tired of waiting. It's been almost 8 months since I last had a BFP and a chance at TTC. I'm more than ready to start again. Let's get this show on the road!!!

What would you do? Be tempted to skirt the rules, or follow the rules, especially when your health is involved.

Bittersweet

Today is bittersweet. My newest niece is born. She was born last night at 10:55pm. She is 9lbs.5oz, and 20 inches long. She has a headfull of hair. She looks like her two older brothers. My brother is a proud daddy of a litle girl. My mom is a proud grandma of her first granddaughter. I'm a proud aunt of my first niece.

I'm so happy for them.

When's my turn?

Unsolicited Advice

As I slowly become more comfortable with my "situation" I've begun sharing my story with my close circle of friends. I'm the first one that I know of this group to encounter "difficulty" in the childbirth/bearing department. (hooray me!) It's been great, sharing my "situation" because it feels as if I'm revealing my true self. It was difficult, not sharing the most important thing and events in my life with those close to me. I felt as if I wasn't being me. However, along with sharing my story with individuals who have absolutely NO IDEA what it's like to go through consecutive losses and be unable to TTC not by choice, I get the occasionial unsolicited advice. Of course, i know that this advice comes from a place that means only well.

One of the first awkward situations arose when my uncle asked - "so you have cancer??? Dont worry, you can beat it." (He said this lovingly, because he actually had cancer and beat it). Somehow, he got this notion from my dad who freaked out when he heard that my hyperplasia condition could be precancerous. (Clarification -- the case of hyperplasia I have is simple w/o atypia, which is basically the slightest form you can have. 99% of the cases my doctor treats like mine have resolved completley after 3 months of BCPs. And according to my research, only about 1% of these cases actually go on to be cancerous. Hyperplasia is NOT cancer, it is an abnormal growth of the uterus lining caused by excessive estrogen in the system. Apparently, the cells are a bit abnormal too, and any abnormal cells are a cause of concern b/c cancer is abnormal cells.)

Another uncomfortable unsolicited advice situation I just received this mornign; it was a reference to this website - fertilityblend.com. I briefly checked it out, and saw that it was what I thought it was - a blend of herbs/drugs to help someone who is having difficulty conceiving and/or to maintain a healthy pregnancy. I politely thanked the person for referring me to the website (which she learned about while working at the local bridal expo this past weekend) but explained that in my case, I dont have difficulty conceiving, it was the shape of my uterus that caused me to miscarry twice after conceiving. I also re-explained to her that luckily, I had a surgery to correct this problem and should have no further problems during pregnancy. (I omitted to re-explain the hyperplasia condition which is keeping me from TTC right now, because I thought that would be all too much info to keep track of for someone who is very very far from babymaking land).

Anyways, I felt sort of embarrassed to be referred to this website. I dont know exactly why. I guess it's because precisely what I dont want to happen is happening. People are looking at me and thinking - "poor thing, she cannot have babies, how can we help?" - or something to that effect. I hate feeling pitied. I know, I know, I have no idea if that's what she was really thinking, but in my paranoid state of mind....that's what I'm imagining.

Ah well, hopefully in 22 days this will all be over and by the end of the year I'll be a mother.

Inauguration Day

Today was a big day. I'm proud to be an American. But......

Did anyone notice how the Chief Justice sort of screwed up President Obama's oath? First, lets compare Vice-President Biden's oath (administered by an Associate Justice), which was perfect. The AJ would state aloud approximately three or four words, pausing after each short interval to let VP Biden repeat after him. VP Biden's swearing took some time, maybe even several minutes, where we got lots of opportunities to watch close ups of Biden making his oathe (and wonder howcome he didn't stick his thumb in and keep it close to his palm, but instead had it sticking out and looking kinda funny).

But when it came time for the president's oath, the darn CJ pretty much rushed through the oath, saying practically an entire sentence for President Obama to repeat. Basically, Obama's swearing in took approximately 5 seconds, and it was administered with practically only three pauses to let poor Obama repeat after him. Of course, on such a momentus occassion, President Obama couldn't remember much past three words....so first, Obama accidentally cut off the CJ (thinking he was going to be like the AJ and stop after every three words to let him repeat after him), then, Obama forgot the second line he was supposed to repeat and had to stand there for an awkward pause while the CJ figured out that Obama needed some extra help. Darn CJ --- shoulda practiced the oath before administering it.

Nevertheless, Obama's speech was awesome and inspiring -- as usual.

just what i needed

It is 3 AM and I'm up and typing. I actually got up around 1 AM and still cannot sleep, so I decided to log on and check out what was going on with my virtual buddies. I must say, coming on here was very very uplifting. Thank you so much for all of your wonderful comments on my last blog. Yes, I'm still back home, and yes, I'm still surrounded by so many happy families, with newborns and infants and toddlers and am constantly reminded of what I do not have. But I'm getting through it. Again, my DH is working, so its just me, navigating the lonely path of IF by myself, with really no one to talk to about it except my bloggy friends....but God gave me strength (I think by nature, I'm a strong person), so I'm getting through it. I do think that the reason for my not sleeping right now is because of my heavy heart, but hey, I'm getting through it.

I was reading one of the many tremendous blogs that I follow (most of you probably know this one --- Stacy of He Will Carry Me - and she said something very helpful (along with all of your comments) about how God will never fail us and heals the brokenhearted, even if we dont actually see it happening. We just need to continue on and trust in Him, even with tears in our eyes. True faith is, even if we do not see, we must believe. (My paraphrasing isn't perfect, and I would have actually copied the portion of her post here, but she has placed a copy right on her blogs). These words were very helpful and I will hopefully try to get some sleep keeping these thoughts in mind.

This IF journey is difficult. All of you know it as all of us have been or are going through it. I need to keep in mind myself that, although we do not understand God's plans for us, and perhaps we dont even feel as if (or see) our prayers being answered.....we must believe that they are...for that it was it means to have faith.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Ah well - here comes another day in the land filled with babies and pregnancies. Hope I can get some sleep till then.

i'm so ready to be pregnant

Today, i'm having a little tough spell.....i'm so envious of people who have gotten their bfps or are on their way to becoming a mom soon and so down about my own situation. i'm surrounded by people, both virtual and real life, who are pregnant. my brother is expecting his youngest child to be born this weekend. it is the same weekend as the 5th birthday party for his oldest child. of course i'll be in attendance to help out. and my nephew is very important to me. however, i'm just sooooo sooooooo sad that i dont even have one child, or even a pregnancy to show, while my brother is expecting his 3rd child to be born. i'm also attending the 1st year birthday party for one of my cousin's daughters this weekend. She also has a second daughter (born less than one year after her first daughter). And finally, I'm attending the funeral of one of my best friend's father. My best friend has two children and is expecting her third in June. It's amazing. there are babies everywhere...even here, in IF land (thank God for that though). And yet, here I am, still not pregnant and not even able to try. i'm prepared to be bombarded ith questions of - "so when are you going to have kids" and the awkward response I'll have to come up with. they change frequently, depending on my mood and who is asking -- usually the response is "i dont know, soon perhaps". but inside, I sigh a little and am wistful that soon I wont have to say that and will instead be able to say my due date.

February 13 cannot get here fast enough. I'm so ready to start TTC. I'm so ready to be pregnant. I'm so ready to be a mom. =(

My heart is heavy.

Addictions and Awards

I got tagged again from Just Me at CanYouImagine. (so cool, Just Me, i also read your comments and FINALLY learned how to do the cool link thingy to text!!!) Hooray.

The task: list 5 things you are addicted to and then nominate 5 more people:

1. Reading infertility and TTC blogs (duh, aren't we all?)
2. Reading books (LOVE LOVE LOVE the library where I borrow all my books. I'm also a member on Shelfari).
3. drinking hot water (got the tip from a preggo GF who now drinks hot water instead of tea - which has caffeine. I've started it and found that I really like it. It fulfills my need to drink something hot in the morning and it doesn't have caffeine. I'm so ready to be pregnant -- cant you tell?)
4. TTC - unfortunatley, I haven't been able to do it for over 7 months now, but i'm hoping that will change next month, and I'm hoping that I wont be TTC for very long b/c I'll be pregnant soon!
5. spicy foods - I love all things spicy - hot soup, chili pepper water, yum yum.

I nominate ---- anyone - I know I'm really bad at this nominating thing. I'll get better, I promise.

EXACTLY 1 MONTH UNTIL THE BIG DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT!!!!!!!!!

Faith Line

I know this can be a controversial issue, even for those that are followers of Jesus, so I'd just like to preface this post by saying that I respect everyone's beliefs and everyone is entitled to believe what they want. On to the post:

As I have said before, I subscribe to daily devotionals from the Kenneth Copeland website. I really enjoy it because it enables me to get a daily dose of the Word and encourages me when I feel down. Today's devotional was very applicable to my situation and my quest to become pregnant and become a mother (and I usually find most of them are). Today's devotional discussed a "faith line" and how we should step over that "faith line" to attain God's promise to us, even though all things natural in this world point to the contrary. I've been standing on faith that God will (and already has) answer my prayer request to become the mother of many children, including a request that my first born child be conceived and born full term this year. I'm also standing on faith that my request that I experience no more miscarriages and tha tmy womb will be perfect with no more hyperplasia will be granted and that I will be able to start TTC by the end of February. For that to happen, i need to get pregnant practically immediately after my February 13 appt. Now, I dont even know if I'll be given the green light to start TTC in February, but I'm operating on faith. Most of the time, I'm strong in my faith and believe that all will work out and that my prayers will be answered. However, there are moments, almost daily, where that faith waivers, and I think -- what if......(insert some bad thought here)? I think many of us go through the same struggle - optimistic one day, pessimistic and doubtful the next. I think it's human nature to worry, especially when we have been faced with such disapointment in the past. Well, I'm glad I get my daily devotional dose of the Word, to help me to continue to have faith and to believe in the power of the Lord.

with that said, here is the devotional recopied below. I hope that it inspires someone else like it does for me. (p.s. 37 more days till the BIG appt!)

In the years I've spent living by faith, there's something I've learned to do that helps me receive from God in the toughest of situations. It's something I call stepping over the faith line.
A faith line is what you need when you want God to do the "impossible" in your life. It's what you need when you want to be firm in your faith and yet you keep wavering back and forth between your circumstances and God's promises--believing first one, then the other.
It's what can make you like faithful Abraham. You know, Abraham had natural facts to deal with just like we do. He knew there was no natural way for God's promise to him to come true.
Yet the Word says Abraham considered not his own body. In other words, Abraham ignored the natural evidence around him and believed only God's promise.
Somewhere he stepped across the line of faith.
He made an irreversible decision to go with the Word of God. He made a final commitment. He chose to step past the point of no return. And if you and I are ever going to see God do the impossible in our lives, we're going to have to do the same thing!
How do you draw that faith line?
Begin with the Word. Search the promises of God and purposely believe what He has said, and is saying, about your need. Meditate on those promises until faith rises in your heart.
Then draw the line of faith. Draw it in your mind and heart. Draw it across the floor in your prayer room. Say, "In the presence of God, in the presence of all the angels in this room, and in the devils face, I am stepping across the line of faith. From this moment on, I consider this matter done. From this day forward, I give God the praise and the glory in the Name of Jesus.
From that moment on, speak only as if your miracle has already happened. Turn your back on the problems, on the doubts, and turn your face toward Jesus.
God will do the impossible in your life. Dare to step across the faith line!

Scripture Study: Romans 4:13-21

The BIG appt.

It came in the mail yesterday. My next doctor's appointment will be on FEBRUARY 13!!! Holy Cow. That is 41 days from now (yes I counted). This is a big a appt. b/c this will be the day when the doctor retests for the hyperplasia. If, no when, there is no more hyperplasia, I'll be given the green light to TTC. 41 more days.......