Tugging at my heart strings

I spent the entire day with my newest niece. 2 month old Saydie. She is adorable (aren't they all?) The whole time I'm with her, carrying her and feeding her, I'm thinking...I wish this were my child. I even looked in the mirror, to see how I'd look. I think I'd look like a natural (well as natural as a new mother would look).

The pangs of wanting to be a mother are growing stronger. It tugs at my heart strings. Last night I cried at a family party (in secret), when my brother made rude comments to me about him having three kids (yes, my niece is his 3rd child and yes, he's my younger brother) and how he's so tired and I wouldn't understand what its like until I had my own kids. He said this when I woke him up from sleeping on the table after drinking too much alcohol. Those comments cut into me deep. Luckily, my husband was there and he was my rock (as usual). He let me cry on his shoulder and hugged me and made me feel better. He said that my brother is blaming his life and its difficulties on the fact that he his three kids; and when we have our own children, we'd never blame our difficulties on our children. At the time, that made me feel a lot better. While I'm close with my brother, we're not close enough where I'd feel comfortable talking to him about my childbearing difficulties (but he does know about my 2 prior MCs) and how his comments hurt me. He may know though, because when my husband and I walked back into the party, my brother had left for the night (either he knew he upset me or he realized he was so drunk that it was time to go home).

It's horrible, this internal struggle I have about not having any children, even though we so desparately want one and being around people (my family) who have absolutely no problem having children. I love my family so much, but sometimes, it's so difficult to see them all rearing their own children, while I'm still childless. I'm so ready to have my own children. I'm ready to be a mom.

I go back to my hometown this evening....back to work where my co-worker will announce her new pregnancy to the office. Oh goodie.

On the TTC front: I didn't take my temperature this morning. (Woke up too late). I am 11 DPO and have no idea if my temps stayed low or not. I dont feel any pregnancy symptoms though and with that big temp drop, usually, this means that AF is on her way..... I should see AF on Tuesday.