As I slowly become more comfortable with my "situation" I've begun sharing my story with my close circle of friends. I'm the first one that I know of this group to encounter "difficulty" in the childbirth/bearing department. (hooray me!) It's been great, sharing my "situation" because it feels as if I'm revealing my true self. It was difficult, not sharing the most important thing and events in my life with those close to me. I felt as if I wasn't being me. However, along with sharing my story with individuals who have absolutely NO IDEA what it's like to go through consecutive losses and be unable to TTC not by choice, I get the occasionial unsolicited advice. Of course, i know that this advice comes from a place that means only well.
One of the first awkward situations arose when my uncle asked - "so you have cancer??? Dont worry, you can beat it." (He said this lovingly, because he actually had cancer and beat it). Somehow, he got this notion from my dad who freaked out when he heard that my hyperplasia condition could be precancerous. (Clarification -- the case of hyperplasia I have is simple w/o atypia, which is basically the slightest form you can have. 99% of the cases my doctor treats like mine have resolved completley after 3 months of BCPs. And according to my research, only about 1% of these cases actually go on to be cancerous. Hyperplasia is NOT cancer, it is an abnormal growth of the uterus lining caused by excessive estrogen in the system. Apparently, the cells are a bit abnormal too, and any abnormal cells are a cause of concern b/c cancer is abnormal cells.)
Another uncomfortable unsolicited advice situation I just received this mornign; it was a reference to this website - fertilityblend.com. I briefly checked it out, and saw that it was what I thought it was - a blend of herbs/drugs to help someone who is having difficulty conceiving and/or to maintain a healthy pregnancy. I politely thanked the person for referring me to the website (which she learned about while working at the local bridal expo this past weekend) but explained that in my case, I dont have difficulty conceiving, it was the shape of my uterus that caused me to miscarry twice after conceiving. I also re-explained to her that luckily, I had a surgery to correct this problem and should have no further problems during pregnancy. (I omitted to re-explain the hyperplasia condition which is keeping me from TTC right now, because I thought that would be all too much info to keep track of for someone who is very very far from babymaking land).
Anyways, I felt sort of embarrassed to be referred to this website. I dont know exactly why. I guess it's because precisely what I dont want to happen is happening. People are looking at me and thinking - "poor thing, she cannot have babies, how can we help?" - or something to that effect. I hate feeling pitied. I know, I know, I have no idea if that's what she was really thinking, but in my paranoid state of mind....that's what I'm imagining.
Ah well, hopefully in 22 days this will all be over and by the end of the year I'll be a mother.
I think people mean well, but I think it's hard for people to relate unless you have been though it.
ReplyDeleteat least people are concerned and are thinking about you. They could just go back to life as normal and never say anything about it. A lot of my friends did that and it kind of hurt.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and hoping for the best!
Hi B-
ReplyDeleteI so understand. People are trying to be helpful, but sometimes miss the mark. One thing that bothers me is when people share other peoples stories.....like it is supposed to help me feel better that their neighbor got PG using a pillow, or taking a special vitamin....yay for their neighbor, but it doesn't really apply to me! sending you hugs and you TTC time is coming :)
In the last two years, I have been shocked to learn what people don't know. One of my best friends is uber-fertile and I just assumed she knew what the lutenizing hormone was, what OPKs did, etc. She looked at me like I was speaking Greek. Then she tells me to just relax. Bah. I haven't told her anything since.
ReplyDeleteHi there,
ReplyDeleteI have felt that people pity me too. But I realise that they care about me and want me to be happy.
I also get loads of unhelpful advice! Possibly the oddest advice is from my parents who encourage me to drink more alcohol!
My favorite unsolicited was: "Have you tried OPKS? They help you get pregnant you know"
ReplyDeleteI know people THINK they mean well, but really just give us a hug, or say NOTHING.
It hurts most when they try to help. I don't know why but the idea that my infertility is stealing joy from people I love just kills. They are sitting there and thinking like you said, "what can we do to help?" and all the while I know that the sadness and fear has touched them. I am so tired of the guilt that I feel each time one of my loved ones has a new idea that I have already looked into and I have to steal their joy by explaining to them why that will not work or that I have tried it and failed... it is too much some days. Too much.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the first post, I think people mean well, but they have not a clue until it's them in the driver's seat. I am wishing well thoughts for your pre-valentine's day appointment.
ReplyDelete