Remembering or not?

This may be a controversial post. My intent is just to post my own personal experience and do not intend to cause anyone pain. I respect everyone's beliefs and choices as I'm sure others will do the same for me.

Today is, October 15, which is
National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Today is for remembering those who were lost. Those whose time on earth was brief but who will live on in our hearts and memories. At 7 pm tonight, light a candle. If everyone lights a candle at 7 pm and keeps it burning for a hour there will be a continuous wave of light over the entire world honoring those whose time with us was too short.

(I took the above from other's posts in the bloggy community).

Personally, I feel reluctant to recognize/celebrate this day for myself, despite having gone through two prior miscarriages. My reason? Simple - I dont want to remember my grief and pain of last year. (I will however recognize and celebrate this day for those many other parents who wish to remember their losses).

Coincidentally, I believe I had just had my first D&C for my 2nd MC around this time last year. I remember this time of year because both my mom and my grandma flew up to be here with me during and after the procedure and I remember going Halloween shopping with them and I remember purchasing a Halloween candy bowl for my house to put candy in. We also bought some fake spider webs and spiders and decorated the bowl. The pain and grief I felt during that time was like no other I had ever experienced. I was confused. I had lost two pregnancies consecutively. I felt completely robbed of my "innocence" and normally sunny disposition that I've always had on life. I put that bowl out this past weekend and filled it with candy and I remembered its origin for a brief few minutes as I did so.

But back to my post. For me, setting aside a day to remember my 2 MCs is like setting aside a day to be sad. I dont want to be sad. I'm happy. I have a healthy boy in my belly. He's expected to arrive in this world in less than 8 weeks. When people ask if this is my first, I respond with yes, it is. I dont know if I really count my first two pregnancies as a first and second child and that Kaua is my third. Those pregnancies lasted 5.5 weeks and 9 weeks respectively (though the embryo in the 2nd pregnancy didn't grow past 6 weeks). Although I completely respect, understand and even agree that for other's those pregancies and children are very real and somewhere in heaven they will be reunited as a family again, I just dont feel the same for my situation. Kaua is my first child. Am I weird? Am I callous? Am I heartless? I dunno. Why do I not feel the same about my prior two pregnancies? I dunno. All I know is that I'm happy, I'm blessed and I dont want to be sad. I doubt I'll ever forget my experiences and I know why I've gone through them and feel that I've grown so much as a person for going through it and infact relish my current pregnancy and will always relish having a child because of my experiences, but I dont want to set aside a day to be sad. I want to focus on celebrating.

Anyone else feel the same or am I the only one?

*edited - After reflecting a bit more on my post, I've decided that today will be a day where I will remember, honor and celebrate all those women (and men) who have gone through or are going through a loss. I will recognize that as celebrants of this day, we share a common bond of pain and grief and will send prayers and well wishes to all who continue to grieve and suffer. I will not, however, allow myself to use this day as a selfpity party, but instead, will praise God that I have been blessed with Kaua.